Dumb Britain (title nicked from Private Eye) We're running a Summer Staff Quiz, I sent out the first set of questions this week and got this answer in return..... Q - Which country has the highest per capita murder rate in the world ? A - The Vatican City Beware bishops with hand guns it would appear. I'll leave the culprit nameless, until one of the other staff sticks your name in the comments anyway ;-)

2 + 2 = 753 I am not about to sack anyone. Since I wrote a piece last week when I said this....."My advice to one or two staff members who don't seem to be picking up many shifts at the moment is you'd better take the work I'm offering now, because it certainly won't be on offer during after September", all the staff have been coming in with a rumour that I'm about to sack one or two of them. This isn't what I meant, there is no hidden message in the above statement, it means just what it says. Our work here at IGC is highly seasonal, we have lots of customers in Summer, and very few in Winter, and the amount of work / shifts on offer follows exactly how many customers we have. So, no-one is about to be fired, but do pick up as much work as I can offer you for the rest of the Summer before our trade dies away after the Summer ends.

The Frayed Ends Of Sanity I don't know what had got in to the waitresses on Saturday night (apart from maybe their own bodyweight in LSD perhaps ?), but they were all barking mad. Not that they didn't work hard, but Harry and myself stood as bemused islands of sanity amidst the babbling sea of madness that was Megan, Lucy and Georgie.

Must. Have. Sleep. The summer season is at it's zenith, we did an all day buffet for 160 customers yesterday courtesy of Bradford Blaize. Many thanks to the team, Rob and Chef Phil worked like troopers all day, then Amelia and Lucy took over in the evening. As always seems to happen on these big functions one of the girls phoned in to say she was ill, I did some frantic phoning around but everyone was busy at such short notice. We have a hugely busy weekend coming up, so I hope everyone is fit for work or I'll be a crabby old chef. We're now almost half way through the season, the longest day (with its Solstice golf comp teeing off at 6am) has passed, we've done about half of the major functions as well, but with Captain's Day and a big corporate golf day for Eddisons still to come. With half the season behind us Mrs YS is putting some serious planning into our holidays for this winter, we have decided to have two large holdiays, going to Canada to stay with some of Meg's relatives in November, then off to Florida and Disney with the Wossers in February, plus we're off to Pontins in December for two nights of serious heavy metal. I am also trying to plan a week's holiday on my own, well sort of on my own. I fancy doing a distance walk as I havn't done one since doing the West Highland Way way back when I was 18. I would like to do the Dales Way this winter if it can be fitted in around work and staff holidays. I thought that I might start out at the far end of the walk in Bowness where Meg could stay with me in a hotel for the night (Mrs YS does not do hiking), and then perhaps she could join me at a couple of hotels along the way as I get back towards Ilkley. I have no intention of camping, partly because it will be winter and winter camping would probably be horrible / wet / miserable, but mostly because a day's walking followed by a night in a decent hotel with beer / wine / good food sounds great. I'm not sure if I can fit it in yet, so it might have to be put back to winter 2010. It is strange having a very seasonal business, I spend the first half of winter going on holiday, dining out a lot, seeing friends, then the second half as winter really cuts trade down you start to wish for summer trade again and the influx of customers and some money coming in to replace your spendings. For the first three hectic months of summer you're grateful for all the business and working like mad, the last three summer months you're getting seriously overworked and you're looking forward to winter and getting a rest again. My advice to one or two staff members who don't seem to be picking up many shifts at the moment is you'd better take the work I'm offering now, because it certainly won't be on offer during after September. My friends say I'm going into 'summer hibernation' in May, I retreat into the kitchen and don't really come out again until about October.

How To Get Lost Say, you're in Peterborough and you need to get to Leeds, you wouldn't expect to end up in Durham now would you ? Nevertheless, that's just what two of my staff (and their brother) managed when coming back from holiday last week. Dear Lucy and Georgie, just in case you don't know where Ilkley and Durham are, I have provided this handy map to help you get around in the future. Hang on though, as you were travelling from London, what were you doing in Peterborough anyway ?

The Joys Of Being Your Own Boss Some people think that being self employed gives you the freedom to work when you want, in reality, being self employed means you have to cover all the shifts that your staff drop out of at short notice, through copying down someone else's shifts for example. Our muppet of the week here at work is young Rob, whose misdemeanour at the weekend was so grim that I find it hard even to write about. Suffice to say that Rob wil be getting a serious ragging at work for some time to come. Thanks to the staff that did turn up over the weekend, we had a triangular match between Ilkley, Lytham and Birkdale to look after and one incident aside, they had a really good weekend. Later in the year we have another triangular match between Ilkley, The Island Club Dublin and Portstewart, let's repeat all the good work for them as well.

Oh Yes Precious, Yes, YES, YES ! We worked really hard over the weekend, but not so hard that we didn't have time to discover that waitress Lucy does a good impression of Smeagol getting it on.

Zombies Are Real They exist among us and are ready to come forth and dine on your living flesh.

Multi-Talented That's my missus, runs the bar, she can paint or tile a wall, drive a forklift, and here she's doing the staff haircuts, that's sous chef Phil in the chair.

New Staff Amelia, she's nice, say hello !

Introducing My New Sous Chef....... There are so many wrong things in this photo of chef Phil that I hardly know where to begin, he's certainly a ladies man, even if the lady is made of latex and sporting a dubious porn star 'tache.

Sunshiners Haymakers The sun came out and so did the customers, we enjoyed a very busy weekend, I've had about 6 hours sleep in four nights but hey ho, I can sleep in the Winter. On the formal dining side we did 50 on Friday, 60 on Saturday and 70 on Sunday, with most of those having breakfast and lunch as well. Plus the weather brought hordes of casual golfers, I'm shattered today having worked about 55 hours over the three days. Cheers to all the staff, Georgie did a 12 hour Chef's shift on Saturday, cheers Georgie. All the rest of the gang including new girl Amelia did well, thanks. The weekend also threw up the strangest excuse I've ever heard for not wanting to work a shift "I'm having a fake tan and it won't be dry in time". April, you don't need to turn orange to be beautiful. What else happened ? We found that that Megan can't peel carrots to save her life, Amelia possibly had even weirder taste in music than me, and Lucy found God, apparently he'd been round the corner on table 7 waiting patiently for his fishcakes.

For One Night Only - We're A Proper Restaurant On Saturday the Captain held a social mixed golf day followed by a meal, and I was allowed to choose a menu for the night, so...... Sweetcorn soup with roasted cherry tomatoes and chilli oil. Grilled goat's cheese on a garlic croute with balsamic dressed leaf salad and grilled peppers. Duck confit on mustard mash with smoked bacon and leek sauce. Chicken pot roasted with lemon, thyme, basil, white wine and olive oil. Lightly spiced grilled salmon on a tomato and herb sauce. Warm chocolate brownie with steeped fruits, vanilla ice cream and caramel sauce. Fruit baskets with chantilly cream. Ably served by Rob... ...and Georgie.

Bouquets And Brickbats I often write about the staff here on the blog, and everyone that turned in this weekend did a stirling job, but my most important staff member hardly gets a mention on here so it's time to redress the balance. My wife Meg keeps the business going, in addition to running the bar and organising the bar staff she does nearly all the table setting, which is a lot of work every day, she waits on when we're having a rush in the kitchen, she clears tables and often pops in to the kitchen to lend a hand when we're getting a bit behind. As well as all this Meg now does all the bookwork which used to take me hours, and I must say she's far better at it than I am and far more organised. I really couldn't keep the place going without her, she's wonderful. So, Bank Holiday weekend, we've got 70 booked for a golden wedding anniversary, and two of the staff call / text to say they are not coming in. Now this year I have taken on more waiting staff than we have ever had, last summer turned into an endless pain for me, not enough staff and far too many hours worked, this year I'm not putting up with it, it's no more Mr. Nice Guy I'm afraid, you blow me out on a hugely important day like yesterday and we are parting company right away. Because I had to get staff in to cover yesterday at short notice (big thanks to Georgie !) I ended up without anyone to clear up or serve the junior team in the evening, thus although the function service finished at 4pm or so, I didn't finish clearing tables and washing up until past 9.30pm, I was not a happy chef. I have a waiting list of kids wanting jobs this year, I'll be making a couple of phone calls later on to replace the girls who are leaving. The rest of the weekend staff worked really well, head girl / chefling April did well as always, Georgie is becoming a real star, Rob, James, Paula and Lucy all did well and chef Phil had put in a tremendous amount of prep work on Friday making tarts and veg and potatoes and sauces and he's working today so that I can go for a day off with my friends and family, cheers Phil.

Work = Chaos It was a busy day yesterday, and got off to a bad start. Due to a bugger up somewhere in our bookings system, the first party of 12 throught the doors at breakfast time announcedthat they were not in fact staying for their evening meal. I served breakfast and then stripped down the table we had set for them the previous evening. Golfers continued to pour in, much as the rain had poured down all night. An hour later we got a call asking if we could fit in 16 golfers who couldn't play at another course due to flooding, of course we could, but bugger, I'd just taken the table down. So in the midst of everything we reset the table again. We served 67 golfers breakfast and a set dinner yesterday, plus looking after the casual golfers and members who had braved the rather cold and damp conditions, and we were all done and cleaned down for 6.30, good effort everyone. Phil joined the team as Sous Chef this week and he has been a great help, fast and efficient and cooks good food, thanks also to April, Megan and Paula, and to all the rest of the gang who are off on holiday in France / Italy / New Zealand etc., we're all dead jealous.

Ilkley Golf Club Requires Chef I will be taking on a new, full time chef/trainee chef very soon as Chefette Carol is leaving us. No experience is required, all training in cookery, hygiene, health & safety etc will be given. Hours are mostly an 8 hour shift, 5 days per week, mostly Mon-Fri, applicants will have to be flexible though to cover some evenings and weekends and to work extended hours during head chef's holidays. We are a small team, myself and the incoming chef do the vast majority of the cooking assisted by our group of hard working waiting staff / kp's. Contact Mike Jarvis on 01943 607277 Yorkshiresoul@gmail.com

When Life Gives You Lemons, Or Not.... I got back home at just before 1am on Sunday morning and I popped into the work kitchen to have a quick look around just so I knew exactly what prep I would need to do when I went in to work later that morning, there was the following note in my day book.... "Dear Mike, Mr Smith has changed his mind about Sunday's desserts and he now wants lemon tarts instead of chocolate tarts, he also wants extra slices of lemon in the water jugs on the tables. S..... is ill and cannot work, I have rung all the other staff and they are all busy or on holiday as it is half term. Hope you had a good holiday, Love, Jenny. p.s. I forgot to order any lemons" I love my staff, but sometimes I love them just a little bit less.

Just Weird The phone rings...... Waitress - "You're weird, you know that don't you ?" YS - (laughs)"Why do you say that ?" Waitres - "'Cos if one of my mates texted her boss for to ask some work the reply would be like 6.30 on Saturday or something like that, and you're reply was ?......" YS - "Er....." Waitress - "I've got the text here, it says 'Have you considered selling yourself to to Great Cthulu, MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!, you see, that's just weird." YS - "MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" Waitress - "WEIRD!" YS - "MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" Waitress - "What the hell is a Great Cthulu anyway ?" YS - "He is the Lord of Utter Darkness, the Knower of Madness, the Beast from Beyond Time, and he wants you to work 6.30 Saturday" Waitress - "Fine. Weirdo." You too can use YS's Cthulu Staff Management Programme, would you like your staff to be driven screaming into the maw of madness ? Yes ! Then chant 'Come Lord Cthulu' three times after midnight.

Sick Of Work, Or Just Sick ? With a final large flourish, the Christmas season ended. We did a dinner for 70 on Saturday night, with a disco, thus an early Sunday morning rather than late Saturday night finish. Then on Sunday we had lunch for 65 after the prize Christmas raffle run by our Golf Professional John Hammond. I've worked every day and many nights over Christmas and New Year assisted by those of my staff who have been able to work. We have had to send staff home if we even suspect they may have come into contact with the dreaded Norovirus or Winter Vomiting Bug. After the disaster that has befallen the restaurant Saffron up in town (for non-Ilkleyites, they have had a water born infection / poisoning that has made over 50 customers seriously poorly with some having to spend weeks off work, the restaurant has now closed down) we can't take too many precautions to ensure our kitchen is clean and healthy. My team have worked particularly well over the last week, thanks to the crew who came on New Year's Eve, Christine, Rob, Robyn and Claire. This weekend I thought the waiting staff had really gelled into an organised unit, Lucy L, Carol, April, Paula and Georgie all worked like troopers. Georgie has been front on house with me on the carvery twice now, under protest it must be said, but as per earlier posts about staff training they are going to learn some new skills, and she's starting to pick it up. Carving in front of the guests isn't the easiest thing in the world, gammons and loins of pork are quite straitforward, but ribs of beef and shoulders of anything can be quite tricky. I have been forcing the girls to learn though and we now have two good carvers in Carol and myself, and two that coming along nicely in April and Georgie. We do a lot of carveries so it is handy to have a group of us who can do the front of house part of the job. Mid January is traditionally the quitest time of the year, I might even get some walking done, but not today, I can hear the wind howling through the trees outside, brrrr, sounds like an Eve geek day to me.

Staff, and Family This is cousin Hollie, she's intelligent and good looking, studying art and photography, thus the arty weirdness pictures. And she does some fashion modelling as well, although I must admit I'm hard pressed to think just how this shot would sell clothes. I am fashion allergic though.

Staff Ever wondered what your staff do when they're not at work ? Apparently mine pretend to be 'Ghetto', I think that's the word that these young people use ? That's Gangster Lucy on the right. "Here is something you can't understand, How I could just kill a man."

Total Kitchen In an effort to finally resolve this summer's seemingly endless staff problems, I'm taking a leaf out of Jack Reynolds book, we're going for Total Kitchen. Everyone who comes on board now has to learn to cook, we are not going to have in future two chefs doing all the skilled work and then a skills gap to the waiting staff. By the end of the year I'm hoping to have all the waiting staff able to do some simple but supportive tasks for the chefs, like baking fresh bread, filleting fish, prepping and correctly cooking veg and potatoes, making dumplings and Yorkshire Puddings, making a roux - bechemel - simple sauces, soups and casseroles, braised lamb and beef etc. Then next year when we get busy again they will be able to work any shift and assist all round in the kitchen. The older girls and boys will get some further training, there is no reason at all why a bright and hard working 17/18 year old shouldn't be able to plan, cook and serve a 3 course meal for say, 30 people. Here we go then, it's going to be Ajax-Ilkley, it means yet more hours for me in the short term but I'm rather hoping it will pay off down the line.

Why Do I Employ You ? Is it because, in the words of the SilverGinger song, "I like girls 'cos girls are better than boys" ? Well, there is a pinch of truth in this. My staff are aged between 14, with parent's permission, and at the other end of the scale my most senior staff member is just over retirement age. There is no age, sex or colour bar to working for me. There is however, a personality bar. All summer I work really long hours, I'm often in the kitchen cooking breakfasts, and I don't finish work until the last evening diner has left the building and I can lock up. As I'm spending such long hours at work, it is important to me that my staff are pleasent people, people that I can get along well with, hat I can talk to and enjoy the company of. As a sweeping generalisation, teenage girls seem to be more socially adapt than teenage boys. The first contact for getting a job with me is usually on the phone, if someone calls me for a job, or if I'm calling someone back after they have left a message for me and they answer in monosyllabic neanderthal grunts, well, they're not getting the job. If they made it past the phone call they have to attend an interview with me. This is a semi formal chat that allows me to find out a bit about the person I am interviewing. If the interviewee is old enough to have worked before I would like to know where they have worked, and importantly, why they have left.* Many of the younger kids that come to me have not held a job before, so what I want from this sort of interview is a chat, I ask about school and what subjects they are good at, we talk about food and what they enjoy, what they like to do in their free time, hobbies, pastimes, I ask what was the last book they read and the last movie they saw and can they tell me a bit about it. After twenty minutes or so I can usually tell who I'm going to like and who I'm not. Even at an interview for a fairly simple job like waiting on, you should present yourself well. I had one lad who turned up in trainers and tracksuit and who wore his Nike cap throughout the interview, already at age fifteen his fingers were yellow stained with nicotine and from my position at the other side of the table I could detect that he had only the most casual relationship with soap and water. No job for him then. I do of course make allowlance for nerves, some kids are obviously petrified at attending an interview, others coast nervelessly through it. Overall though, and back to the sweeping generalisation, if you take teenage boys and girls as two groups, the girls tend to perform better at interviews. This simple process usually ensures that I have a staff of nice people that can all get along together and get along with me. It isn't infallible of course, and every so often I have employed a bad apple, but my current team are all good people, nice to be with, hard working and good company, and in an endless series of 16 hour shifts, good company is vital. We have held a couple of staff meetings in the last few days to discuss issues raised on here ny psuedonym JJ. I'm pretty sure that I don't frighten my staff all that much, in most cases I know the parents of my staff and if there were a problem at any point it could be sorted out. They were all fairly upset at the accusations that had been made, and the author of the comments was generally regarded to be 'sad' and a 'loser' amongst other comments. I did also point out to the staff though that I'm not changing the nature of the kitchen, I'm daft as brush at times and will say things that are daft / shocking / close to the bone in order to get a laugh, provoke a reaction or move a conversation along. I am not Mr Politically Correct, and never will be. Nobody is forced to work for me, and if they don't like me or the job they are free to leave and I certainly woulnd't think less of the for doing so. So hopefully nobody had been harmed by this week's unpleasentless apart from the author of the comments, you've made yourself look rude, ill mannered and foolish. You're lucky that I'm not a great believer in litigation, there are many employers that might have launched legal action after the sort of comments that were posted. If you are an ex-staff member, and you're currently looking for another position, do you think that I don't talk to other chefs and restaurant managers, and have you considered that a few people in catering read the blog just because I post stuff about work and people like to read about their own industry ? I'm sure you didn't. Anyway, we're all carrying on just as normal here, the staff are fine and great people, the chef is overworked and still forces his staff to listen to heavy metal all day, and now I have got to go and cook, Georgie and me are going to make oat and sunflower loaves for the Ladies Open tomorrow, see you all later. *I had a bloke came for the full time chef's position a few years back, on the application form I had asked for a list of previous positions in the last five years, this applicant asked for a couple of extra sheets of paper. When he had filled in his application he had listed 21 jobs held in the last 5 years. My decision was instant, there was no way I was about to become employer number 22.

No Heroes Any More Oh dear, this is the other side of the heroes of the day post I did earlier in the week, and the moan-winge post that preceded it. I might sometimes portray myself as a hard nut, mental chef bloke, but truth be told, I'm quite soft at heart. I like my staff, they mean a lot to me, and I forgive them a lot of their teenage foibles and daftness, we were all young once. But, I'm just working far too hard, and this is partly because I just can't seem to get enough staff to work, especially on certain nights. I don't blame the kids for wanting to go out and have fun, hell, why not, they're young, beautiful, intelligent and nice to be around. The point has come where the social lives of some of my staff are no longer compatible with my needs as an employer. Last Friday I only got through the night because my best mate came to dish up meals and wash up whilst I waited on, and this is unnacceptable considering the amount of staff I currently have on the books. When it came to sorting out the rota for the next few weeks I offered one of the girls three Fridays (and some other shifts), and she refused all the weekend shifts and cherry picked the mid-week sessions. After some thought, and with heavy heart, I called her back and told her gently, but firmly and with no room for doubt, that I was releasing her from the staff, sacking her if you will. Now I know that quite a few of the staff read my blog and you might be shocked to find that I have sacked one of our friendly little crew, but as nice as you all are I simply cannot go on and on and on working every single shift because two or three of the staff only want a shift here or there when it suits them. This is the service industry, and we have to work when other people are out having fun. I have no other complaint with the girl who has been sacked, quite the opposite in fact, she is a nice girl, bright, chatty, pleasent to be around, but her social life doesn't fit in with a job as a waitress. If next year she decides that things have changed and she is willing to be a bit more reliable, I would even consider taking her back for the '08 summer season. I don't think I can be fairer than that. Let's hope that everything settles down a bit now, and that we all pull our weight a bit more.

Heroes Of The Day That's April, Hollie, Claire, Mrs YS and myself. We did a huge day yesterday, 250+ diners and my staff worked like troopers all day long. Little April, fledgling chefling, even pulled a proper chef's shift, i.e., 12 hours without a break. Well done girls, you're all wonderful.

Moan, Whinge, etc. I don't often complain about my life, I'd rather this was a revolutionist's blog than a whiners blog, but this summer has been bloody hard. I have usually had a full time chef plus someone else capable of running at least the basic bar menu so I can get nights off on the quiet nights. This year though it just didn't work out. I've worked pretty much double shifts every day since the beginning of the summer season (late April), in June I managed a single night off, every other day I worked at least a 12 hour shift. July was slightly better, I managed a day off (but had to work the evening shift), and had another night off, ooh the luxury when we were kids we had to work 9 days a week and lick the road clean on't way 't mill etc. August has brought the traditional dip in summer trade, with parents busy with their offspring we have less people visiting the club, and so far I have had a night off, a full day off (well, I put in 3 hours in the morning, but hey ho) and this coming weekend, barring staff disasters, I'm planning on two full days off. To be honest though, this summer hasn't been a lot of fun, I've hardly seen anything of my family and friends. I don't mind working hard, but there's hard and then there's too hard. Hopefully things will be easier from here on. Carol has stepped up from waitress to trainee chef and she is dong really well, last night she came on front of house with me and worked on the carvery, well done Carol, sterling work. Young April had also stepped up a bit and is starting to cook. Oddly, I'd offered a couple of the waiting staff a new deal, more hours, a wage rise, first pick of which sessions to work, in exchange for which they would learn a bit of simple cookery to help me out (so free training really), and they turned it down, why would you turn down a pay rise and the chance to acquire new skills ? I don't know, youth of today, oh bugger, I've just turned into my Grandad.

Not Dead Just Busy Pt. 104 So just when I thought I'd got a good staff team sorted I'm hit by a plague of illness, holidays and sudden departures. Ilkley truly is the land were the other half lives, sadly I'm not part of it. Three of my staff have just announced that they will be taking a six week holiday. SIX WEEKS !!!! That's two years worth of holidays for the likes of me. Other members of staff seem to be suffering from yellow fever or ebola or black death or something similarly debilitating so today I got the pleasure of running a busy day all on my tod. Anyway, we are welcoming Jenna back to the team for part of the summer, and once again I'm looking for staff, get yer applications / topless photo's* / bribes sent in to the usual address. *Not you Dr. P

Ey Up Ros Ey up Ros lass, how's things. Happy (belated) birthday, do keep in touch now that you're heading out frm Uni into the big wide world of real work ;-) Ros models YS's suggestion for the latest staff uniform. BTW Ros, how is the roast going ? Don't forget to keep basting it. Right, I'm off for a cold shower and a cup of bromide.

Get Well Soon Emily Now I know I've handed out a bit of stick to young Emily here on the blog, but, she's a good kid, nice to be with, and a valuable member of our team. So we're all rather upset at the news that young Emily was taken into hospital yesterday and is very poorly. All your friends here at the Nesfield/IGC team are thinking of you and your family, get well soon Emily, best wishes from me and Mrs YS and all the gang. Update : Emily is home and on the mend.

It's A New Taste Sensation Earlier this week I was prepping up a large cheeseboard to put out on display for a party, I had been cutting chunks of various cheeses, stilton, cheddar, wensleydale, and arranging them amidst mounds of celery and glistening bunches of grapes. As I carried the groaning platter out into the bar I asked Lucy to bring a basket of biscuits. Moments later she arrived with said biscuits, and then cast a glance at the huge edifice of cheese, as I doubled up in laughter she said.... "This isn't what you meant is it ?" "No Lucy, Jaffa cakes, bourbon creams and vintage cheddar are not a winning combination."

It's The Emily Show Last night we were hosting a wine tasting event for Bon Couer Fine Wines. Emily - "Where are they from then ?" Me - "Masham" Emily - "Is that in France then ?" As well as being generally amusing, Emily also talks, a lot, in fact she does this stream of consciousness commenting on everything that she sees that has to be heard to be believed. Tune in again soon for more Em style fun and japery.

To Be Honest Sir, You'd Be Better Off With A Burger I know the customer is always right, but last week, after four huge days of hosting the Northern Ladies Seniors event, I got a bit shirty with a customer who asked for his fillet steak well done. I approached the table and asked the party how they would like their steaks cooking. "Well done," says the first one. There is a pause. "But this is Lishman's very best fillet steak," I say. "Well done," says the second one, at which point I make the beefburger offer. The third one says, "Actually I can't eat steak, it's too tough for me, can I have something else." And I lose the plot. "There is nothing in the kitchen that is more tender than this steak, just nothing at all," I say, rather loudly, and with a wobble of emotion in my voice. After the rest of the party sensibly decide to have their steaks no more burned than medium rare I return to the kitchen not in the best of tempers. I grab one of the steaks and begin cutting thin slivers from it. "Here," I bark at Carol and Ann, proffering a piece of raw meat on the end of a knife. "Eat this." Much to the credit of the girls, they eat the raw steak. In protests against the well done's of this world, when I have my steak for dinner, I "sear" it for about thirty seconds a side, then put it on a hot plate with hot sauce, I can't honestly say it was cooked at all, but it was tender and fantastic. The thing is, the customer isn't always right. Fillet steak contains nothing but meat, it is one of the most underused muscles in a beasts body, so it remains extrememly tender, unlike neck and shin for example which do a lot of work and are therefore tough as old boots and require hours of gentle cooking. If you cook fillet to well done, you cook all that tenderness out of the meat and reduce it to a state not unlike the sole of an old leather boot. If you want your steak well done, try rib eye, or perhaps rump, something with a bit of fat and gristle to it that may benefit slightly from the extended cooking. On the other hand have a beefburger, I'll gladly cook it well done and you won't have to pay fifteen quid for it.

...And More I don't know why Emily (on the far right) always does this in photos, she says it's beacuse she is from da ghetto. The ghetto being Addingham. Lucy on the right, this girl is smart, waste £80 a person hiring a Hummer or stretch limo, no, Lucy got all her mates to the ball in a double decker bus at three quid each. (Although, you could have charged a fiver, they would stil have got got good value and you'd have been quids in!) I don't actually employ Nancy, damn it. Nance, if you want a job, just turn up wearing that catsuit......

Not Missing, Just Busy Sorry I've not been around, I have been working around 100 hours a week for the last two weeks since Robyn left, but now lovely Hollie is here so things should return to (ab)normal fairly soon. Meanwhile, a short story from the kitchen..... Emily (to me) - "You'll have to teach me to make mashed potatoes, because I tried to make some for my mates and it went all wrong" Me - "Why, what didyou do ?" Emily - "Well I put them in a pan..." Me - "Peeled ?" Emily - "No" Me - "That's ok, you can always rub the skins off afterwards" Emily - "But they just went really brown and hard" Me - "How long did you boil them for ?" Emily - "Boil, what ? With water ? I didn't put any water in" (At this point me and all the other staff fall about in fits of laughter) Me - "Just explain again why I've employed you."

May Ball Friday night was the May Ball for most of my staff (for older readers - end of term disco, but in posh frocks). So whilst we struggled on serving two completely different menus to two different parties, most of my staff were out partying themselves. Thanks to Christine, Sara and Georgina for working Friday. April in her ball gown. Lucy A is new to the crew, that's her on the right. Come on girls, I want some nice pics of Lucy L, Ellie, Emily and Jessica in your gowns.

Say Hello, Be Nice New staff... Lucy. Ellie. Emily.

Work, At Last It's been an awfully quiet start to the year, this will be our 7th year at IGC, and this January and February have been rather devoid of bookings (and thus my 'books read' list for this year is quite long already). Last night though was the Annual