Big Hairy McTavish, The Cheif Scottish Haggis For My Friend Stephen It was a cold morning in Glen Tavish, in fact, mornings were nearly always cold in Glen Tavish. Big Hairy McTavish, the Chief Scottish Haggis, poked his snout out from his warm and reeking burrow and sniffed the air outside. “Och,” he said. “It’s breek again.” (Breek was a word Haggi used when they meant it was cold, damp and miserable) “Och,” said Big Hairy McTavish again. “It’s always breek here in the Glen.” “And what are you channering about ? Oh great Chieftan of the Pudding race ?” said Big Maggie McTavish, for Big Hairy’s complaining had woken her up. Big Hairy turned around and shuffled back down the tunnel on his short, fat, hairy legs. “I was just saying,” he said. “That it always seems to be raining here in the Glen.” “Aye,” said Big Maggie. “And what of it ?” “Well,” said Big Hairy, and here he paused, for whilst Big Hairy McTavish was a strong and wild looking Haggis, he wasn’t all that clever, when he tried to think and talk at the same time his words always came out wrong. “Well,” said Big Hairy after rather a long pause. “I was thinking that perhaps we could get away, on a holiday.” Big Maggie smiled, a holiday, she liked the sound of that. They could go somewhere nice and warm, she could lie on a beach and sunbathe. “And where were you thinking of taking us, Oh Mighty Haggis ?” Big Hairy didn’t stop to think this time, so he said the first thing that popped into his big hairy head. “Glen Boddy,” he said with a grin, then he saw the look on Big Maggie’s face and he stopped grinning. “Oh no, we are not going on a holiday to Glen Boddy. For one thing, the weather will be just as breek as it is here, and for another thing, you would run around wi yer daft cousin Gobha and make feckless eejits of yourselves.” Big Maggie was not happy with the idea of a holiday in Glen Boddy. “Oh,” said Big Hairy. “Oh indeed,” said Big Maggie. “You just better think on.” Big Hairy did think, he thought all that day. He thought about places when he went to the burn to drink. He thought about places when he walked to the top of the fell to look at the Glen. He thought about places when he met the other Haggi at the howf. When Big Hairy came back to the den in the evening he had a big smile on his big hairy face. “Now there is a haggis looking happy with himself,” said Big Maggie. “Aye, I am happy with myself,” said Big Hairy. “Because I have been thinking all day, and I have thought of a place we shall go for a holiday.” Big Hairy smiled a bit more, in fact his grin was now so big it looked like his mouth was trying to eat his face. “Spit it out then,” said Big Maggie, because she was now quite excited herself. “Lanzarote,” said Big Hairy, and he sat back on his big hairy bottom and looked very pleased with himself. “Lanzarote,” said Big Maggie, and because Big Hairy was so pleased with himself, he didn’t hear the change of tone in Maggie’s voice. “Lanzarote,” said Big Maggie again. “And how shall we get to Lanzarote.” Big Hairy kept grinning, the truth was that once he had come up with the idea of going to Lanzarote, he had not thought any further and did not know how they were going to get there. “Er,” he said, and his smile grew a bit smaller. “Er, well, er.” “I am waiting,” said Big Maggie, and she began to tap her foot. Hairy didn’t like it when Maggie tapped her foot, it usually meant he was in trouble. Big Maggie tapped her foot a bit louder. “We could go by aeroplane,” said Big Hairy all in a rush, and he sat back again on his big hairy bottom. He was not quite so happy this time though. “An aeroplane,” said Big Maggie slowly. “An aeroplane, and whoever heard of two Haggi travelling on an aeroplane ?” Big Hairy McTavish wasn’t smiling now, he didn’t want to be wrong, he knew that Haggi did not travel on aeroplanes, but he wanted to make Big Maggie happy. “I don’t know” he said. “I might have to think a bit more.” “Well you just do that, and tonight you can have cold porridge for supper, it might make you think a bit harder.” So Big Maggie gave Big Hairy cold porridge for supper, and big Hairy could tell that she really was in a bad mood because she had put sugar on his porridge, and everyone knows that real Haggi like salt, and not sugar, on their supper. 2. The next morning (which was breek again, for those like to know the state of the weather), Big Hairy went to the howf to talk to the other Haggi of the clan. “Och,” he said. “I have promised to take Big Maggie on holiday, to Lanzarote of all places, but I dinnae ken (this means that he did not know) how to get there.” The other Haggi were quiet for a time, then Old Clavish shook himself and poked a finger into his ear. “If yer ganna fly on an airyplane, yer ganna need some clink,” he said. Clink was the word that Haggi used for money. Haggi didn’t really have any money, they didn’t really need it. They lived in their glens, they drank water from the burns, they worked in the porridge mines and they grew tartan thistles, bu as a rule, they did not have any clink. “Where will I get enough clink to get on an airyplane ?” asked Big Hairy. “Och that’s easy,” said Old Clavish. “We will go and look for some, there are always big folk wandering around the Glen, and they drop things all the time, we will just go hunting for clink.” All the Haggi perked up at this, there was nothing Haggi liked more than a good hunt. “A hunt, aye, we shall have a hunt for clink,” said Big Hairy. The Haggi all rushed out of the howf, they were in so much of a rush that Old Clavish and Wee Cameron got stuck in the door and could not get out until Brae Morag came by with a jar of pig fat. All day the Haggi hunted, they peered under rocks, they climbed trees (but only small ones as Haggi are short and fat and really not very good at tree climbing), they dived in the burn and swam in the pools and took big candles into the porridge mine and searched every nook and cranny. When they had all finished searching they brought their clink back to the Howf where Old Clavish could count it. He divided the clink into the various types he knew, those being large coins and small coins. Wee Cameron pointed out that quite a few of the smaller coins were actually buttons, but Old Clavish rustled his eyebrows until Wee Cameron shut up. “How much is there ?” asked Big Hairy. Old Clavish rustled his eyebrows a bit more, then he made a sort of harrumphing noise. “How would I know, Haggi don’t use money.” (Work in progress)