5 Year Plan A business model for rock groups. Year 1) We host a massive signing party filled to the brim with D list celebrities, other wannabe rock stars and the drummer from Kasabian.*1 You drink copious amounts of Cristal champagne *2 and at the end of the night we sign your management contract. The rest of the year is spent touring, recording and promoting the 1st album. The band sleep in the van with the gear, I will be sleeping in a B&B. This is because people expect bands to be crumpled, dirty and smelly, whereas the manager must be well rested, showered and smart, we have important business things to do. We have many aftershow parties filled with more Cristal, birds, dope and White Lightning Cider (for the drummer). *2 Year 2) With the release of the second album the band undertake a headline tour of mid-sized UK venues, with the band now generating enough money to be able to stay in a B&B, but still travelling in the van with all the gear. The manager is now driving a new Mercedes *2, after all, I must look smart when representing you in business meetings. We have many aftershow parties filled with Cristal, models / groupies, skunk and Tennant's Extra (for the drummer). *2 Year 3 ) After the success of the Christmas single we rush out an EP in late January and embark on a Europe / USA / Far East stadium support tour with Muse. The band is removed from the US leg of the tour after the drummer is caught in possession of cocaine at LA airport. The band's image is further enhanced by support slots at some of the major UK summer festivals and we receive great tv coverage by appearing second on the bill at the Wembley Kurt Cobain Memorial - Samaritans Fundraising gig. More headlines are made when the drummer gets into a fistfight with Girls Aloud, and loses. Although the band are still living in the same filthy squat you were three years ago, the manager has put down a large cash deposit on a nice detached house. There are many parties involving Cristal, prostitutes, cocaine, ketamine and pints of sherry (for our drummer) *2, and the drummer from Kasabian, who we can't seem to get rid of. Year 4) After a Spring setback, when in a state of some confusion, the singer (who is to coin a phrase, "smacked off his tits") walks on stage at the new Marquee Club and urinates on the front row of the audience, the band bounce back with the release of the third album. The album goes platinum across Europe, within weeks of its release the band are on a major headline tour and Download, Lollapalooza and Ozfest are all begging you to headline. This year there is so much Cristal at parties that we're forced to bathe the call girls in it. Year 5) Back down to earth. The drummer spends 3 months in rehab and on coming out has a 50/50 chance of either becoming a Buddhist monk, or spontaneously combusting. *4 Recording the new album goes on forever. The guitarist insists on recording each part a hundred times, the bassist leaves the studio in May and was last rumoured to have been seen working as a petrol pump attendant in Macedonia. The new album is released to a poor reception, and a world wide headline tour collapses after the singer is arrested in Thailand for offences relating to drugs, ladyboys and a golden retriever. The band breaks up, those that are not in prosin / rehab / run away to Macedonia, return to life in a filthy squat. The manager, who last month bought Bedfordshire so his children would have somewhere to exercise their ponies, now has properties in London, Paris and Los Angeles and is taken to work by own personal pilot. 10 Years On ) The band, rehabbed and drug free (except for the drummer who has now taken to drinking diesel fuel siphoned from the tour bus), are now trying to overturn a High Court decision which confirmed the original contract they signed with the manager. The band were surprised to learn that they did not in fact, and in law, own any of the rights to their first four album, and that they had signed away 50% of all t-shirt sales and internet revenue in perpetuity, The band now make a living gigging in Macedonia and Uzbekistan where their music is still very popular. At home in the UK their most recent album peaked at # 72 in the charts. The manager now has a controlling interest in the combined EMI - UMG group and lives a happy and tax free existence as President ( and rumoured owner) of the Turks and Caicos Islands. *1 - It being well known that drummers will lig at anything. *2 The cost of which will be deducted from your advance. *3 You discover later that Muse have deducted all of this from your tour wages. *4 No-one knows why drummers do this, they just do.