Yorkshire Soul
The Regulars : DSP Andy
"Not feeling so good Andy ?"
"No, sore throat, in fact I'm feeling a little horse"
Filling The Diana FountainOn the day I devoted myself to my dearest, Di and Dodi died, what appalling timing, but at least it helps me to remember my wedding anniversary, as a little tribute to our 'Princess of Hearts' then I have managed to uncover a picture of the workers filling the Diana fountain.......
What's That Horrible Whining Noise ?It's only the
Australians moaning about the cricket ,
they think they're about to lose the Ashes , I think they might be right.
Goodbye, I Enjoyed The Thrash
Full story
over at Punk Vinyl
Good News........TATU Are Back!
With a new single "All About Us" due to be realeased shortly, which sounds pretty much like the stuff from the first UK album and their older Russian material, but hey ho, it's not just about the singing eh boys ?
The band caused a storm of controversy, mainly amongst elderly Tory MP's, when they pretended to be lesbian schoolgirls in order to get a bit of publicity. It worked a treat, with a load of upper class octagenarians banging on in the news about how a generation of innocent schoolgirls were being corrupted by the evil sapphic Russians they couldn't fail to get a big chart hit.
It was a publicity stunt Max Clifford would have been proud of, maybe he could do something similar for the Conservatives, "Allan Clarke is a shirtlifter!", anyway, I digress.
T.A.T.U. were for a long time my all time #1 hit generator, before they faded and were replaced by Nancy Dell'Olio and Danica Patrick. But, I've noticed a lot of resurgent interest in my archives recently, it seems there's a heap of you out there who are quite keen to see TATU naked, or doing rude things with each other, fear not, I will respond, Yorkshire Soul will be google #1 again, meanwhile, here's a taster.
TATU not naked.
Yorkshire Soul's Rambling Quiz - Series 3 Week 9Only three months late, here's a reminder of where you stand, or fall...
1) Malcolm R 114
2) Eleanor 108
3) Chez 97
4) Dr. P 88
5) Penny Farthing 57 =, Saeri 57=
7) I am a Donut 52
8) Alex H(Yorkshire Ranter) 26
9) Chay 14
10) Jo (Counting Sheep) 13
11) Deborama 12
12) Katherine(Chatiryworld) 9
12) Cocky 8
14) Ric B 6
15) Stuart 2
16) Tony T 0
As always, answers to
yorkshiresoul@gmail.com, headed "quiz week 9", answers by/on Sunday 4th September, no spoilers please, no lists of answers.
The first five pics are world leaders, name and country please, the second five are footballers, name and CURRENT club please.
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Oh My Jangling NervesRight, honestly now, when Flintoff's stumps were shattered by the inspired Brett Lee, how many England fans thought, "Oh Lord, the Ozzies are going to bloody beat us ?". I did, I couldn't sit still, I was pacing up and down the dining room alternatively exhorting and cursing our players.
We were hugely lacking in common sense, and Lee and Warne were pumped up and determined. Did you see Lee's face when he got Freddie ? He thought he'd won the match.
At least three England players deserve a sound spanking for their suicidal batsmanship in the 2nd innings, Pieterson played like a complete fool and was very lucky to make the runs he did, Bell - well, why mate ? It wasn't a dangerous ball, you're only three foot four, duck under it you muppet, G Jones - outright bloody stupidity.
The whole team batted as if it were the final few overs of a one day match, and the Ozzies bowled the same way. We should have won this test easily, it might have taken until Monday morning, but that doesn't matter, sometimes, slow and steady does it is the right way, and not least because the other way is turning me into a nervous bloody wreck.
The Regulars : BrookeTiny, petite, single portion sized Brooke fled England for the colder climes of her native Canada. After four years of dismal university meals Brooke was once more able to indulge herself in Maple Syrup, reindeer goulash, polar bear fricasee and pickled beaver.
Colin Farrell
Radio Leeds often drag ex-LUFC players out of retirement to present programs about the mighty Whites, after matches at the moment you can "Have Your Say With Eddie Gray."
This replaces "Have A Chunter With Norman Hunter".
When LUFC have lost by more than two goals you can tune in to "Call The Ref A Cunt With Jason Blunt."
Millions Feared Dead ?Usually I bring you sorry tales of stupidity and ineptitude performed by my own staff, but this comes direct from the Pro-shop, I would change names to protect the guilty, but Jimmy doesn't deserve it.
Hammo has a newspaper, he is showing Jimmy the pictures of the flooding in Switzerland.
"Has it been raining then ?" says our boy.
"Yes," says Hammo. "What else could it have been ?"
"I thought it might have been one of them tsunami things."
Home Secretary Charles Clarke is to publish a list of reasons to be applied when deporting undesirable foreigners, here's my suggestion for the list....
Constant appealing even when the ball has clearly missed bat, pads, stumps and keeper. Shane Warne, what's going on ?
Diamond Duck
Nick relates this tale of cricketing woe...
It was the day of 11 year old Nick's Yorkshire Cricket Trial, the high point of any young cricketers fledgling career, as a promising spinner Nick was relishing the thought of getting the ball onto a dry, well used wicket when the coach organising the trials said, "right, you can be opening bat."
With some trepidation Nick borrowed a helmet, padded up and made his way out into the middle, he stood at the non-striker's end, the opening quick bowler pounded past him and released the first ball, it flew, bounced, his partner swung and connected, the ball skipped past the slips.
"Yes," shouted Nick and set off for the run. At the first step his three sizes too large temporary helmet swung around on his head and blocked his view, gamely he ran on, he tried to lift the helmet but couldn't locate the visor and grill which by now had moved around to be over his shoulder, he kept running, and running, and running.
"Howzat," went up the shout from behind him, followed by laughter. Nick stopped, fumbled with his helmet and looked around, he had run wide of the crease, with the helmet and bat pulling him he had turned left and run off into the outfield and was now heading for gully. The other team had retrieved the ball, thrown it back in and knocked his stumps over.
Out, diamond duck, run himself out on the first ball without actually facing a ball. Nick's Yorkshire career ended there and then.
And Throw Away The KeyThere were dawn raids yesterday as police enacted Charles Clarke's draconian new powers to stop people preaching hate.
A dishevelled and bleary eyed Yorkshire Soul was dragged screaming from his home and accused of fomenting hatred against Lancastrians.
"They're all scallys," he was alledged to have said shortly before being thrown into the back of a police car.
Cheif Inspector Brutus of the newly formed Special Arrest A Muslim Squad said that Yorkshire Soul was being taken into custody pending extradition. When it was pointed out that the prisoner would have to be extradited back to Yorkshire he was heard to mutter something about firing squads and the free press.
Police have said that a suspicious package of rancid Yorkshire puddings posted to the Lancashire cricket captain hd Yorkshire Soul's finger prints on it, and that Yorkshire Soul had repeatedly said "You can't call people terrorists just for throwing Whitby Tea Brack at Blackburn Rover's fans."
Here We Go Again
Vs.
I don't think my nerves will stand up to another fifth day, final ball, do or die finish.
The Regulars : SnowbabiesPaul and Debbie over at
Snowbabies may try to portray themselves as just an average couple living a normal life, but you know what they say, it's always the quiet ones.
For you delectation and visual delight, I have managed to unearth a photo of the loved up couple's
first date. Oh good lord, if Tony T's thong was bad (scroll down), what is Paul thinking here, the crotchless thong! Never a good look if you ask me.
Courtney Coogan ?It's the bastard offspring you hope would only appear at the end of horror movies surrounded by pitchfork wielding peasants. Courtney Love claims to be pregnant by comic actor Steve Coogan. She claims they had a two week shag fest when they met at a hotel.
The unremittingly dim Courtney said, "He forced me into some very unsafe sexual practices, I hope he hasn't given me anything."
Apart from the baby ?
This got me thinking, the world would be a much stranger place if rock chicks kept falling for strange comedians, now I can't do photoshop so you'll just have to imagine what the offspring of these pairings might looks like, I have and it's keeping me awake at nights....
Spike Milligan and Bette Midler. It hardly bears thinking about, better drowned at birth.
Ken Dodd an K D Lang, so for reasons of Lang's sexuality this is most unlikely of pairings, but just think, "How tickled I am to get to put a bun in your oven."
This though is the terrible thought that kept me writhing in bed, clutching the duvet for comfort and shouting, "NO, NO, IT CANNOT BE TRUE" in a wild and anguished manner, can you for a moment imagine the horror that would be birthed if....
.....Marty Feldman had lain with Tina Turner, send for those pitchfork wielding peasants right away.
And Much Alcohol Was ConsumedMostly by me judging from the state of my hangover this morning.
Nearly the whole gang, back row l-r Fairy Clare, Johnny Depp's stalker Carol, Lovely Robyn, James, Mrs YS, Libby, Jenna. Front row l-r, Ladyboy Steven, Minichav Sarah, Chefette Becca, YS, Ros, Rachel, Rob. Jonathan and Jess, we missed you!
The Regulars : PBorn into a tribe of West Norfolk mollusc herders, the enigmatic P spent his formative years driving packs of edible snails to and from their ancestral breeding grounds in the lowland fens.
P yearned for something different from the life of an invertebrate shepherd, he swore that when his chance came he would never work a day again in his life, eventually his dream came true and he became an IT specialist.
When not stapling small pieces of tinfoil to his torso, P likes to drink red deisel, eat rubber truck tyres and to quiver and twitch uncontrollably.
Fly, Fly Away My Little BirdsSo here we are again, approaching the end of the summer and a large group of my staff are about to leave for university, gap years or even, shock horror, to get a real job.
This year I am saying goodbye to Rachel, my longest serving (both literally and erm, literally) member of staff, Jenna, Chefette Becca and fairy Clare who are all bound for their first year of university, Ros who departs for the 14eme as part of her modern languages studies, plus my old friend and verbal sparring partner Clare F has finally found a job and is off to teach dancing over the border in Lancashire.
Because this is my own show I have become closer to my staff here than at any previous job, I am going to be genuinely sorry to lose the brigade who are departing this year.
I know most of the gang call in at Yorkshire Soul from time to time, and because I might be either tongue tied or embarrassingly pissed at tonight's leaving do I'm going to praise you lot to the heavens here.
It's been a fun year working with Becca, seldom dull, often, ahem, shall we say interesting ? On occasion exasperating, but seldom dull. Becca likes to
party to excess , listens to far too much Oasis (which by my definition is ay at all) but still manages to keep the kitchen running in a more or less orderly fashion. Thanks for the last year Becca, it's been a lot of fun. Becca is going on to train as a nurse, they say laughter is the best medicine, nurse Becca should cure a whole heap of folk then.
I would like to wish Ros all the best for your travels to Paris and Barcelona, you lucky bugger, fancy getting to work in two of the world's really great cities. Ros is a little bit of a quiet soul at work, whereas I'm a noisy metalhead, our interests are so different that we're not the most garrulous pair when we are working together, but Ros, if you read this, I think you are star. Always pleasant, always smiling, never, ever complaining and endlessly hard working, (I was especially impressed with you on the BBQ when when we ended up short staffed and you took over the kitchen whilst I was stranded out on the BBQ), keep in touch Ros, I'd love to hear stories from Europe.
Rachel has been with me from my first season here at IGC, I know you say it is because it's the most convenient job for you Rach, with you living only a minute's walk away, but it is a job you have performed well and always with a smile (often a bemused smile at the rubbish I spout). If you want to come back to work during uni holidays you will be most welcome.
Quiet Jenna sees both sides of the fence here at the club, she's a club member and a member of staff, I just trust she doesn't tell the rest of the membership anything that's said in the kitchen. A short story about Jenna......we were doing a really busy night, it was warm and summery and the lady guests were sitting out on the balcony in their finest, I had been serving food on the balcony and wandered back into the kitchen.
"There's some really great crumpet here tonight," I said. "Check out the bird on the balcony in the white jacket, she's so hot." I thought the girls were ignoring me but I got a result when Jenna came back in to the kitchen a few minutes later and shouted in outrage....
"THAT'S MY MUM!". Cheers Jenna, and your mum's still a babe!
Clare B, fairy Clare, always gives off that air of not being entirely on the same level as everyone else, completely mad when her and Becca are working together, completely in love when she's working with Steven (I be you're blushing now Clare!). The work always gets done though, thanks Clare.
If any of you want to come back to work, you will be most welcome, holidays, gap years, whenever, just give me a ring.
My staff have been, and still are, the brightest, most beautiful, hard working, exceptionally pleasant, sometimes maddening, always fun to work with brigade I could hope for, and that includes all the folk who have not been mentioned here.
The end of summer roll call looks like this, Chefling Steven, Carol, Jessica, Sarah, Libby and Robyn, you guys are just as special as the ones I have been praising here. Thanks for all your hard work during your time here, despite being a grumbling old sod in the kitchen I do actually appreciate all your efforts.
We'll raise a glass or two together tonight, best wishes for the future, I won't wish you good luck, you will create your own luck by your own hard work. Call back tomorrow, I've got a word about university life for you.
The Regulars 2She was the hottest babe in the Caribbean, beautiful, sultry, intelligent and witty, worshipped by men and envied by women everywhere, her blog,
Guabancex , manages to amuse and inform at the same time.
Then, well, it started as a fad, developed into an infatuation and finally became a full blown addiction, sweet potato pudding, once you start you can't stop, or so they say. Now she lives the life of a hermit, shunned by friends and family, even Brian Lara has stopped writing to her, I'm sorry Dorna, but
you've had just one pudding too many. (Er, slightly NSFW)
Courtney Love NakedOk, ok, I can hear the screaming from here. I'm with you on this one, the drug addled, bulldog faced ex Mrs Cobain is no oil painting.
Maybe I should retitle this one 'Celebrity Mingers'. Minger translation for overseas readers, does 'minging' sound like a really horrible word ? Yes, that's what it is then.
Aaargh! Make the bad thing go away Mummy! Hang on though, take the hair away, squint at the photo, and........Gollum, or a large Cod. Quick Captain, there's something rising on the port bow, throw more bait.
Anyway, if there is anyone left on the planet who hasn't seen Courtney Love naked, here she is.
It might be someone's cup of tea, or syringe of crack, whichever.
Oooh, it sends a shiver down your spine, in a rather Hitchcockian manner.
The RegularsAs so many of us bloggers are invisible to you the readers, I thought I would collect a few pictures of the regular commenters here at Yorkshire Soul, just so you know who you are talking to.
First up then, that paragon of Australian manhood, Tony T over at
Aftergrog Blog....
Form an orderly queue now ladies.
Perfect Breasts : 2"Dear Yorkshiresoul,
My name is Jennifer Jacobson, and I run the web site perfect breasts.
The other day I wrote you to let you know I'm very interested inexchanging links. I'm sending this reminder in case you didn't receive myfirst letter.
I've gone ahead and posted a link to your site, on this page...perfectbreastsnow.com
As you know, reciprocal linking benefits both of us by raising our searchrankings and generating more traffic to both of our sites. Please post alink to my site as follows:
Description: !!!!!!Recently one of my girlfriends was searching the webfor a product to help her enhance her breasts/boobs size (Boussant,Bloussant, Breast success, breast pills, breast bust, breast enhancers,bigger boobs, breast cancer, nipples, women, xxx, sex, better sex, tits,jugs) and she found the best product!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Dear Jennifer,
I responded with the perfectly reasonable request that if you were to show me your perfect breasts, then I might well feature your website on the runaway juggernaut of success that is
yorkshiresoul.org,
Looking forward to seeing your baps,
Yorkshiresoul."
It's a fair request isn't it ? I want a bit of proof that's all, are this woman's breasts perfect ? Are they the finest pair of tits, the most marvellous melons, the most jaw dropping jugs I will ever have laid my eyes upon ? Or is she hiding something from me ?
Just The One Then Please
Sam Adams Utopias beer, designed as an after dinner drink, and made to be consumed from fairly small glasses, it is a staggering 25% abv.
Oddly, the company website sates that "Due to legal restrictions, Samuel Adams Utopias? can not be sold in the states of Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Iowa, Missouri, New Hampshire, North Carolina, Ohio, Oregon, South Carolina, Washington, and West Virginia." Sorry folks, apprarently you're just too soft to drink extreme beer.
I don't think it is on sale in the UK either, but on some US sites it is being sold for around $200 a bottle, at that price, maybe I'll just buy a few cases of Leffe instead.
Hic, I Can't Even Hold On To The Walls
Brother in law mk.2 sends me these pictures of a strangely bendy drinking establishment.
I have no other information though, which of my well travelled regulars knows where this is ?
This Just Doesn't Seem RightThe Marton restaurant in Taipei, Taiwan (apologies if that was a bit of a London - England dumbism) has an unusual choice of interior decor and plate service.....
Would you feel comfortable eating your dinner on the throne ?
Old Joke.....
Child - "Mummy, Mummy, can I lick the the bowl?"
Mother - "No, you can flush it like everyone else does."
Fair Trade Websites : Oops FileIt has been brought to my attention that some of the Fair Trade links I posted yesterday didn't actually work, I think I have fixed the links in question now, scroll down for loads of Fair Trade goodies.
What Was Giger Thinking Of, Oh, The MoneyA Giger alien back scratcherEven more worryingly, when you look at the full size picture, it suddenly becomes a Giger alien sex toy, yuch.
Ooops, BuggerIf like me, you are on occasion slightly heavy handed with your wine glasses (drunk and incapable), then youy might be interested in the
Schott-Zwiesel Tritan wine glass, shatter resistant and dishwasher safe.
Instant update - and apparently not on sale in the UK, bugger.
Just for Sarah
Not naked, Jessica Simpson looking rather like young Britney, maybe it is Britney, there seems to be a clone machine turning these girls out.
Take Faith Hill for example (and I bet you would), although pics of Jessica Simpson naked are very hard to come by, Faith flashes the flesh in a much more uninhibited fashion,
Faith Hill naked.
Chicken Burger
Mmmmm, crunchy.
I Don't Like Cricket, I Love It
I was just about to have a rant about our press, I turned on the radio this morning and the R5 muppetline for this morning is 'Have England blown the Ashes ?' It seems to have escaped the attention of certain parts of the BBC that we are all square with two tests still to play.
At other parts of the BBC, such as the good folk compiling the website, things are better, here are the BBC's six reasons why
Ashes cricket is better than Premiership football . Or mid table Championship football in LUFC's case.
The rather odd photo above shows Australian bowler and gurner Brett Lee picking up a rubber severed foot that some wag in the Old Trafford crowd chucked on the pitch, imagine if it had been thrown at te other Old Trafford, game halted, players rolling around in agony as a rubber foot passes within six feet of them and Roy Keane running eighty yards to get into a fight.
CNN News
Try the BBC instead.
And What Did You Come As ?
Suggestions ?
Female Hormones In American MeatLook what's happened to Dustin Hoffman! I presume this is NSFW, but really, everything about this is wrong.
I Can Tell Maggie Thatcher From A Porn StarBut can you ? Go on, play it at the office, then get sacked.
Fantasy FootballI've picked my
team. NSFW.
Too Harsh ? Not Harsh Enough I Say"Oh and don't believe everything you read, from any side of the argument as there will always be a bias."
Wosser points out that there are two sides to every story, and that the sources I used for the article on supermarkets (below) may be biased.
I agree, but although these people may be biased, it does not make them wrong in this instance.
The sources used to paint this picture of the supermarkets were from people as diverse as Stephen Byers MP, Oxfam, T&G Union, House Of Commons Food & Rural Affairs Committee, Business Week, Citizens Advice Bureau, Which magazine, Cap-Gemeni Consultancy.
The point is, that even with all these people lined up against them (and dozens of other national and international bodies railing against them), the food giants just run another tv campaign with a cuddly ex-chef and a witty but dull by line and pretty soon everyone calms down again and thinks that everything is ok.
Everything is not ok. There isn't space or time here to list all the things that are so badly wrong with our food industry, but you could find out quite a bit by searching out these fine tomes...
Fast Food Nation - Eric Schlosser (0060938455)
Not On The Label - Felicity Lawrence (0141015667)
Shopped : The Shocking Power of British Supermarkets - Joanna Blythman (0007158033 )
The Good Shopping Guide - Charlotte Muvey (0954252969 )
It is wrong to think to you, as one person, cannot change things. It may seem that the forces of greed, evil and the inertia of the public are insurmountable problems, so just do what you can. Do a little this week, and a little more the week after, get your friends to join you, together, we can make some sort of difference.
Rain and Ponting Save The OzziesI can't stand many more tests like the last two, nail biting, hair tearing tension has become the order of the day, which buffoon said cricket was boring ?
The game turned and swung all through the last day, wickets were falling but the Australian captain Ricky Ponting (height - 2 foot six) played a magnificent innings to save the day for his team.
It's not often that the English summer has intervened to save the once mighty Australians, but they'll be sinking a few beers tonight and blessing the water laden Mancunian skies, without that day of rain it would have been another four day test and 2-1 to England, dammit.
'Super'markets, Mammon Says All Is WellI think I have finally reached my limit with supermarkets, the giant food conglomerates now control 75%+ of retail food sales in the UK, they crush competitors, use dubious and immoral tactics to win more share of the market and they are not even very good.
When we have traveled to Paris and Barcelona in the last couple of years I have been overwhelmed by the markets there. Huge displays of fantastic looking fresh fruit and veg, fish stalls with dozens of varieties of fresh fish, freshly baked breads releasing their wonderful yeasty aromas, hanging displays of meat, game and charcuterie that have me drooling. Then you go to a market here, and often you get the rather sad displays of items rejected by the supermarkets, fish stalls that offer farmed salmon, smoked haddock, cod and a few defrosting exotics, and our idea of charcuterie ? Black pudding or hugely overpriced, water filled glazed hams.
Recently I decided to start using
Fairtrade products here at Ilkley Golf Club, now I would like to go a step further and start sourcing more local products, using smaller suppliers and taking my trade away from the massive multi-nationals.
This has to be done carefully of course, I still need to make a decent profit and I need to ensure that my own job and those of my staff who rely on me are not endangered by my ongoing social / moral stance. I'm hoping though that with some assistance from he committee we can change over nearly all of our purchasing to smaller, independent suppliers. In some areas this will obviously entail price rises, nobody can compete with the likes of Tesco on bread, milk and other items that are sold as loss leaders (or KVI's, Known Value Items).
We are price capped at the club, prices are determined by the committee and not by me, so I will have to do a bit of persuading in order to show people that a few minor price rises will actually be beneficial in the long run.
I have been feeling more and more anti-supermarkets recently, after a number of questions to my local Tesco were ignored completely I began thinking why am I giving them so much trade if they obviously don't care at all what I think ?
Then, I picked up a copy of Felicity Lawrence's 'Not On The Label' at last months
Bookcrossing , combined with reading Eric Schlosser's 'Fast Food Nation' this has just about turned me off fast food and supermarkets altogether.
I worry about the implications my purchasing power have on other people, am I keeping immigrant workers in conditions that could easily be described as slavery, right here in the UK, just because I buy bagged salads from supermarkets ? Am I helping to keep workers in Kenya, Nigeria and the Caribbean in poverty because I buy trayed vegetables or cut price bananas ?
Can I be at all comfortable with the fact that thousands of tons of fruit and vegetables are trashed by the food giants (for not being up to dubious 'visual beauty' standards) whilst millions starve in the third world ? No, it keeps me awake at night worrying about it.
You remember how we all laughed at Daily Mail stories of insane Brussels legislation for minimum length carrots and straiter bananas ? Well the supermarkets are doing this right now, if you are contracted to supply five tons of 100cm carrots next Tuesday and your carrots have deviated from the contracted length, you might just be going bankrupt mate.
We all went to the continental market in Ilkley last weekend, fantastic foods, salami's, rillete, pates, cheeses, breads, it wasn't cheap, but it was all good. It all looked and tasted like real food. In France they would probably laugh at this idea, a touring market selling real food, but their government brought in laws to regulate the supermarkets 30 years ago, they still have a craftsman baker, a master butcher, a greengrocer, cheesemonger and fishmonger in every town, they still understand the importance of the raw materials.
So here I am, trying to do my bit again. That bag of rocket from the supermarket, it just turns to ashes in my mouth when I realise that some poor soul from Portugal, Brazil or Morocco has spent a ninety hour week picking it, getting well under minimum wage, being charged NI and Tax even though they are working illegally, and then having most of the remainder of their wages taken in 'rent' money by the gangmasters.
Go Farmer - buy direct from the farm in the UKFeastnet - smaller producers cutting out the supermarkets
That's Going To StingNot for those likely to faint at the sight of blood, if getting a tattoo and a nose ring isn't extreme enough for you, have you considered
getting some scarification ?Just allow some grinning loon with a sharp knife to slice strips off you in the name of beauty, safe for work ? Er, depends on how much blood you like to see in the office.
What's In Your WalletA rather oddball meme has been thrown my way by
Russell at Brisbane Window , it's as simple as that, he wants to know what's in my wallet........
Lloyds TSB Platinum Visa, Tesco Visa, hmmm, there should be an Amway MBNA Diamond card here as well, should I be worried that it has gone missing ?
My company Visa Debit card.
Not one, but two debit cards for my personal current account, one Visa, one Electron, why two ? I have no idea, perhaps the bank was having a BOGOF.
I can't remember a single one of my pin numbers, don't hold me at knifepoint and take me to the cash machine expecting a cash return, you'll be badly dissapointed.
WHSmith clubcard, not as useful as it was before arsonists burnt out my local branch.
Blockbuster Video card, I havn't used this in over a year.
National Trust membership card, which is just about to go out of date, I'm sure I have a current one somewhere in the rubbish heap that is my office.
Countryside Alliance membership card, I'm supporting your right to gun down small, furry creatures.
Cannons Gym membership card, complete with the worst photograph of me ever taken.
Vodaphone top-up card, I use my mobile so little that I'm ot entirely certain what this is for.
Cards for Zen Rendezvous, The Greek Restaurant, Tubby Wadlow's, Cocina, this is vital, you don't want to miss out on that last minute restaurant booking.
A photo of Mrs YS grinning and looking very lovely.
£55, I usually like to have enough cash to manage a medium scale emergency, such as forgetting my pin numbers and having all my bank cards swallowed by the hole in the wall machine.
A load of till receipts from Tesco and David Lishmans waiting to be entered into the business books.
I must have left my discount card for Madame Thrashers Palace of Pain in my other trousers.
He's BackMichael Vaughan that is, scoring fluently, looking well balanced and afraid of nothing, maybe he's been watching a video of himself batting on the last Ashes tour ? Perhaps Freddy's rising star has taken some of the mental pressure off Vaughan, if he thinks his team are going to perform well even without his contribution, that might just allow him not to worry and to return to his previous form.
McGrath has made a surprise return, just when we were hoping he might remain injured until October at least. If we are going to be the best though, we have to beat the best, if we want to be the world's number one team then our batsmen have to tame McGrath and Warne, or at least avoid getting out to them whilst scoring off Lee and Gillespie.
Here's hoping I havn't jinxed the captain for the afternoon session, go England!
Bollywood Beef : Vivek Oberoi
There you go Eleanor, how's this one ?
Bollywood Babes : Bipasha Basu
Fondle My Perfect BreastsSpam - "The other day I wrote you to let you know I'm very interested in exchanging links. I'm sending this reminder in case you didn't receive my first letter. I've gone ahead and posted a link to your site, on this page:
As you know, reciprocal linking benefits both of us by raising our searchrankings and generating more traffic to both of our sites. Please post alink to my site as follows:Title:
Description: !!!!!!Recently one of my girlfriends was searching the web for a product to help her enhance her breasts/boobs size (Boussant,Bloussant, Breast success, breast pills, breast bust, breast enhancers,bigger boobs, breast cancer, nipples, women, xxx, sex, better sex, tits,jugs) and she found the best product!!!!!!!!!!!Once you've posted the link, let me know the URL of the page that it's on,"
Reply - "Dear Jennifer,
if I can be allowed to fondle your perfect breasts then of course you can have a link from the wildly popular
yorkshiresoul.org,
nothingunder a 34B please,
yours,
Yorkshiresoul"
The odd thing is, there really is a links page, not that I expect to get much traffic from it, I'm right there along with Gaymonkey.com, Genericviagra.com, penispills4all.com and dogsecrets.com, I don't even want to know what that last website features, or the first one come to that, oh, that was an unfortunate phrase.
The giant mural art of Eric GroheSafe for work and quite remarkable.
Brian Molko Says Thanks But No Thanks
History Live - Harewood HouseThis is the annual weekend for all the folk involved with the
Royal Armouries to strap on their best suit of armour and beat lumps out of each othr for the benefit of the blood thirsty general public.
Obviously Kayleigh isn't blood thirsty at all, she's just cute, cute, cute.
"Taste my axe, by Odin!" The first viking clash of the day, it seemed that some of the vikings may have spent a little too long at the mead tent last night, they weren't as perky as they might have been.
After the initial clash, the battle lines are reformed.
Opening day of the football season, Leeds vs. Millwall. Look at that bloke at the far right in the red, he's lurking he is, does he think no-one can see him ?
The bloody aftermath, then they all get up again and wander off for a beer and chip butty.
Stephen tries out a shortbow with the folk from
English Longbow Events
YS and P dream of becoming the scourge of the French, although by looking at our targets, YS might be the scourge of the unprotected French groin and P would be the scourge of the people standing just beside the French.
After another round of protracted medievil name calling, these knights finally get down to battering each other, I think the 'knight' on the left may be a 'knightess', Lady Eowyn if you will.
Our knight, Sir Mallet, no really, that's his name.
The jousting, Sir Mallet on the right has just scored a hit on his opponent who, by the state of his lance, seems to have missed our bloke completely, hurrah!
The English roses Kayleigh and Natalie.
What a grand day, it cost about £7.25 for adults, I don't know how much for the kids, I had a great time and between P, DSP Andy and myself we swelled the coffers of the Merry Mead Monk by a not inconsiderable amount.
The children had a fun time, which mostly involved running around and poking each other with plastic swords, shouts of "Oy, you'll have someone's eye out with that" came rather too close to becoming a reality and the weapons were confiscated to much booing and crying from the little warriors.
I thought it was a decent price for what was a full day's entertainment, as we watched all three jousts we didn't even get to see the WWII exhibition. Thanks for organising it P&C, and thanks to all the people who fought, died, and got up again.
Where Has Everybody Gone ?We don't seem to have many medal hopes at Helsinki this week, in the women's only Paula Radcliffe in the marathon seems to have a chance after Kelly Sotherton finished a disappointing fifth in the heptathalon yesterday.
The very lovely Kelly at Athens last year, what is that little tattoo she has ?
Paula Radcliffe, and because I'm trying to fend off complaints from my female readership, in the interests of balance I present.....
Young Jason Gardener, whilst obviously not Linford Christie in the lunchbox department, he is at least not banned for taking drugs, then again, he's not winning many races either.
As they say in The Full Monty......"Ladies, the lunchbox has landed."
....Or Are You Just Pleased To See Me ?
A fun day out, Yorkshire Soul has the horn, but 5 pints of the Merry Monk's Mad Dog Bitter later......
They were supposed to aim at the dustbin, pesky kids.
1 - 1Oh my good lord, 2 runs. Was their anyone at all, English or Australian, who wasn't leaping up and down in a frenzied state at the end of the Edgbaston test ?
It was like watching Dr. Who as a kid, I was peering at the telly from behind my fingers as Australia cruised towards a fantastic win from a seemingly hopeless position.
Warne and Lee, although being the two Oz players that I hate the most, performed superbly to take the test down to the wire. Lee and Kasprowicz were taking a right battering from the quick bowlers towards the end, Lee especially got a fearful working over from Flintoff.
Once Australia were inside 20 to win, I thought we'd lost it, we'd thrown everything at them and they hadn't crumbled, then just one tiny, tiny error from Kasprowicz whilst under tremendous pressure and the equalising win was ours.
Predictions for Old Trafford ? Who knows ? With the two teams playing like they are, almost anything could happen. I reckon though, that if we get just one more batsman, apart from the Flintoff / Pieterson partnership, to rack up a big score, it could easily go England's way.
Come on captain, find your form Michael, give us a ton.
C-hard-onay ?A wine waiter at a nudist colony has been fired for repeatedly getting caught walking round with a semillon.
(From popbitch)
Def Con XThe British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings, the level has just been raised from 'miffed' to "peeved'! Soon though, the levels may be raised yet again to "irritated' or even " a bit cross"!! Londoners have not been a "bit cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorised from "tiresome" to "a bloody nuisance", the last time a "bloody nuisance" warning level was issued was during the great fire in 1666.
Be aware that the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from RUN to HIDE. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate.
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing their military capability.
It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert, The Italians have increased their alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".
The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels, "invade a neighbour" and "lose".
Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from "isolationism" to "find another oil-rich nation in the middle east ripe for regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "attack the world" and "beg the British for help".
Finally here in GB we've gone from "pretend nothing's happening" to "make another cup of tea". Our higher levels are "remain resolutely cheerful" and "win".
(From DSP Andy. Laugh ? My sides ache)
Fan Pleasers......Andrew Flintoff NakedIn cricketing parlance, I'm stumped on this one. I get a small but persistant number of hits on Yorkshire Soul looking for pictures of the Enland all rounder in a state of undress, but despite rummaging around in some of the stranger sections of the interwebnet, I can't find any.
Anyway, I'll tie this in with something else. Some of the ladies visitng the site have been pointing out that there are far too many half dressed young ladies on Yorkshire Soul (some mistake surely ?) and not enough beefcake at all. Well, I do my best, I'm probably not the best judge of my fellow bloke's attractiveness to women, but girls, feast your eyes on the, sadly dressed, hunk of English manhood that is Andrew Flintoff.....
Phwoarrrrr, aroooga! etc. I hope.
I know that the Enlglish fast bowler Simon Jones got his stump out for Cosmopolitan some years back, any hints as to where to find these pics would be greatly appreciated, mostly by Eleanor.
Book Review : The Time traveler's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger*****
I spied one of the girls reading this in the staff room and was intrigued by the title, it sounded reasonably sci-fi enough for my tastes. Is it sci-fi then ? Well yes, the story of man who repeatedly time travels, albeit in a fairly narrow frame of reference, is certainly sf. It is sf in a broader sence of the genre though, TTTW explores in depth the issues of love and loss that Heinlein looked at in his epic Time Enough For Love.
Henry is the time traveller, he travels in time, usually backwards on the outward trip, sans clothing, and often appears in front of Clare, his wife to be. Niffenegger writes a disjointed love story that is deeply moving and quite believable.
The emotional states of the two main characters as they get to know each other in different times are well thought out. Their hopes and fears are quite different from those of normal couples, Clare worries about Henry whenever he vanishes, Henry ponders over the wisdom of telling people about events that he has witnessed but have not yet come to pass in the normal time frame.
I thought early on in the novel that 500+ pages were going to get a bit stale, but Niffenegger carries the story beautifully. I don't want to give too much away, but there are clues earlier in the book which relate to the last events that happen to Henry and Clare, you find out what happens to them, then you have to read on for the why and wherefore.
TTTW is a great novel, believable, written with tenderness, love and wry humour. It explores love and loss and the worry we all experience when a loved one is absent. It isn't hard core sci-fi, but it isn't just a romantic novel either, it is though, quite wonderful.
Who Would You Go Gay For ?This was the question being asked in the kitchen the other night as one of the waitresses said, apropos of nothing, that she would go gay for Jessica Simpson. Who she ? I didn't know, but you know that I am willing to
trawl porn sites undertake hours of diligent research for you. It will be no surprise to the regulars therefore when I announce I have managed to find a rather splendid...
Picture of Jessica Simpson naked for your entertainment and visual appreciation.
So girls, would you go gay for this babe ? And if not, who might excite your Sapphic tendencies ? Same question for the blokes, but I bet I don't get many answers.
Walking Yorkshire : Great Shunner Fell, Swaledale & MukerThis was supposed to be Tan Hill as well, but my foot (see below) was giving me some gip so I cut the walk short.
I got up early, 5am, and got out on the road soon after, it's a fair drive to Muker and I wanted an early start to what was planned as a long day's hike. As I drove towards Skipton I was rewarded with this beautiful view of the sun rising over Chelker reservoir.
The roads were alive with wildlife, many different types of bird, rabbits and as I got further up into the Dales, a great shame as I have never seen one of these alive in the wild, a large badger lying dead in the road.
I arrived in Muker at 7am, the sun was out, so I lathered myself in sun cream so as not to get burned, ten minutes later the rain had washed all the sun cream off again.
A rainbow over Usha Gap.
Another ten minutes on, I'm soaking, these cows don't even look damp. These are the vagaries of Yorkshire weather, whilst it's pissing down in Muker, the sun shines on Thwaite.
This is where I'm heading, yes that's right, the one shrouded in mist. Great Shunner Fell is on the Pennine Way, I remember this hill from my walking as a teenager, the horror of endless Scout swallowing bogs has been replaced by well made paths and pleasent walking.
An unusual tall cairn on the flank of Great Shunner Fell with Swaledale in the morning haze behind.
I've walked up in sunshine with a breeze, albeit the sort of breeze that if it were winter would be driving piercing icy pain into your ears and making your fillings ache. Just short of the summit though, the mist is down, Golden Plovers are flying overhead making their strange, mournful song, it's cold and damp, I appear to have stepped into a Bram Stoker novel.
This is better, I've stopped for a picnic near Thwaite, Swaledale looks nice in the dappled sunshine.
The view across Swaledale to Swinner Gill.
Waterfall on East Gill, I've been sitting here for a while pondering whether my foot is going to last the walk to Tan Hill and back, and with heavy heart, I decide it won't, so I amble back down Swaledale to the car.
Swaledale. The bin in the foreground isn't a rubbish bin, it's a feeding station for game birds. Keepers in the area are reporting that the Grouse have been decimated by a virus, indeed, in my time on the moors this morning I have only seen a single Grouse, this bodes badly for the shooting season due to start in under two weeks.
Just to add to my frustration today, I'm not supposed to be here at Swallow Hole, I'm supposed to be walking in the other direction to Beldi Hill, bugger it, that's added another mile I didn't need to walk.
In the abandoned lead mines at Fair Yew End.
Waterfalls on Swinner Gill at Fair Yew End.
I spotted movement in the grass, looked down and there was the bane of gardeners and groundsmen everywhere, a mole. They shift an impressive amount of earth for such a tiny creature.
The sort of picture of which Mrs YS shakes her head in amused despair, "Why ?" she says. "It sort of looked like a one eyed, one toothed angry old man", I reply, "Ok" she says, moving in the general direction of away.
Back in Muker, I revisited a haunt of my youth, the Farmers Arms, you can read about my previous exploits in this establishment here.
It was a nice walk, a shame that my foot wouldn't let me go any further, I need to get it right soon or I'll have to put off my 3 Peaks attempt for another year. The walk was about 16 miles, and would have been a little shorter had I payed more attention to the map.
Come On Yorkshire
I went to watch a days cricket at the home of cricket, Headingly, last week. Yorkshire rattled up an impressive 570 in their first innings, and in the picture above, taken just after lunch, it looked like they were going well to bowl Derbyshire out cheaply. That was the last wicket to fall for hours, our bowlers didn't seem to have any real speed or tenacity though, I've seen more frightening bowling in the Bradford league.
Here is the other problem with county cricket. Weatherwise, it's a nice warm day, Yorkshire are challenging for promotion, they have put on over 350 runs yesterday and there are hardly any people here. This is the Western Terrace at three in the afternoon.
Fame is hard to come by at Yorkshire. Gaggles of small boys who have played Quickcricket on the outfield at lunchtime are running around the boundary trying to get autographs from the fielders. After half a dozen of them have had their books signed by a player they walk past me saying...
1st small boy - "Who was that then ?"
2nd small boy, peering at his autograph book - "I think it says Sayers."
1st small boy - "Humph, who's he then ?"
Joe Sayers who scored his first century for Yorkshire in a match winning stand last week finds that he'll have to do better than that to be recognised by the more junior Yorkshire fans.
She's WonderfulMy physio that is. Now, fingers crossed, touch wood and all that, but my back seems to be on the mend, it's been twiddled and prodded, poked and piked and seems to have improved. I have been given some bendy-stretchy exercises which I have been doing, often much to the amusement of the waitresses when I do a mid service back session, and all things considered, I seem to be quite well in the spine department.
However, here we go, the pain from my back, which was always manifested in pain down my left leg, seems to have been masking pain from a second problem, my left heel. I was fairly sure I had a problem here when I went walking yesterday, anytime I turned my left foot into an angled position I was shouting out in pain and had to curtail a planned long walk.
Super physio C came to my rescue again, more prodding and piking, which she calls manipulation and mobilisation by the way, a rest in front of the telly with my foot in an ice bath and hopefully I'm on the mend there as well.
If you've never had physiotherapy, it goes something like this. Your physio digs her fingers in and around the painful area until you try to leap off the floor shouting "JESUSMARYMOTHEROFGOD!!", and then they say, "That's where the pain is then." No, really ?
Honestly though, I'm full of admiration for C and anyone who can do important stuff like this, real life changing stuff. C takes all this in her stride and says it's just her job, but it's a really good job, helping people, putting them right. I mean, if I really consider what my job does to people, when you get right down to it, I just make people fat.
So thanks again Superphysio, I'm sat here doing my aeroplane exercises like a good boy, I'll fetch an ice pack when I have woken up enough. Growing older, what a pain in the
arse,
legs, feet.
Ilkley Summer FestivalThe Ilkley Summer Festival has begun, I saw the band playing outside Town Hall yesterday for the Yorkshire Day celebrations, Mrs YS and myself will be spending a small fortune at the French Market on Saturday.
Later in the year we have the
Ilkley Literature Festival , gosh, we are blessed with an abundance of things to do in this fair town.
King of the Absent Minded PeopleThat's me. I have just finished re-reading Bill Bryson's Notes From A Big Country, I think Bill and me would get on, we seem to share a similar outlook on life, we seem to hold similar values and want the same things from our governments, but most of all, we both seem to live our lives in the same state of wooly mindedness.
There is a section in the book that makes me laugh out loud, Bill goes out to do two tasks, buy some tobacco and post some letters, he purchases the tobacco, crosses the road and posts it, it is only when he is halfway home, letters still in hand, that he realises that this wasn't quite what he set out to do. I can relate to this.
One night in the restaurant I was attempting to multi-task, rummaging in the wine fridge for a reclusive bottle of Riesling whilst chatting to a customer on the phone. It was a busy night, our phone was one of those where the base has the ringer but the handset detaches, so you can wander around and forget where you left it. For the rest of the night the phone rang and rang, my boss David stormed around, fretting about the business he was losing and turning the place upside down in his efforts to find the missing handset. It was only whilst re-stocking the wine fridge that we found it, I had taken the Riesling, finished my conversation and places the phone carefully in the empty space in the fridge, then my brain switched off and I forgot even having had the phone.
I can't recall how many times I stand in bafflement in the dry goods store, or peering hopefully into the depths of the freezer in the hope that whatever I came out here for will present itself and I can return to the kitchen looking with it and competent. Most often though, I have to grab something that we might be needing and enter the kitchen with a packet of onion rings in hand to a confused / pitying look on Chefette's face as she says, "Lemons ?"
This is especially bad if you manage to forget the lemons on your second trip. Or even the third.
I always make a list before setting off to the supermarket, because frankly there isn't any hope of getting anything bar a decent bottle of Shiraz if I go shopping without one. What is more worrying though is the amount of times that I come back without something that is on the list, on the list that
I wrote.When I drive, I often arrive at places in a state of some amazement, I set off, an hour later I arrive, and I can remember absolutely nothing inbetween, why did it take me an hour to drive six and a half miles ?
I can't remember people either, I always get that terrible sensation upon meeting people that I might have met them before, but I'm not sure. Was it at the golf club ? The book club ? Have I harangued them at the checkout at Tesco ? My wife can remember pretty much everybody, my father and grandfather are like walking encyclopedias of local people. If you are one of my most regular customers and you take a months holiday, I will forget who you are, what your favourite meal is and why you like that small table across from the fireplace.
There are advantages though, I love CSI, there might be only two or three dozen episodes in existence and I watch them every time they are on LivingTV, which is most nights, but being absent minded I have nearly always forgotten how the bad guy did the murder so I can watch each programme as if it were fresh and brand new and not the 45th re-run that I saw only last Tuesday.
There was originally going to be a point to this, but that was thirty minutes ago, and I didn't write it down, so I have forgotten it.
Happy Yorkshire Day
100,000 And Going StrongThat's 100,000 hits on Yorkshire Soul for the year so far, welcome one and all, and I'm sorry if there wasn't quite enough porn for you to stay beyond six seconds or so. Here is a roughly put together top ten of reasons for visiting Yorkshire Soul this year.......
1) Danica Patrick Naked, sadly of course, I could find no such pictures
2) Makosi naked, see above, but she whips them out on BB quite often
3) Johnson's New Year's Eve, a bit of local interest, there can't be a teenager in Ilkley, nay, Wharfedale, who hasn't hit the bog to see these girlies.
4) Olson Twins naked, and this time the surfers might actually find a picture of what they were looking for.
5) Yorkshire, hoorah, a non porn search term gets onto the list
6) Live Strong Wristbands, a large number of folk came and read my articles detailing charity fraud.
7) Ilkley, three non pron in a row, they came, they read Yorkshire Soul, they went away slightly befuddled
8) Christina Aguilera naked, can't fault the taste of these one handed surfers
9) Leeds, oh, my once mighty football team, come and read my tales of woe
10) Review, aha, this one pleases me, a decent number of folk drop by for my book, cd, wine and film reviews, at this point I would like to repeat, Constantine - It's shit.
I could have made this an interactive list, but I couldn't be bothered, type the phrase/word into the in-blog search engine if you want to see more.
Here's a top ten of websites that push traffic my way, with search engines excluded...
1)
Pakkotoisto, it's Croatian, I think2)
Blog Explosion, traffic trading service3)
Neveratoss, Stevan's sharp and witty blog4)
Britblog.com listing for Nymphets in tight rubber outfits5)
Sports Discusion Czech style6)
Snowbabies, they're nice folk, go visit7)
My Blogger profile8)
Blogjam, Fraser's off beat wit and weirdness, and kittens9)
Aftergrog Blog, Tony's an Australian, it's not his fault though, just an accident of birth10)
Counting Sheep, hello JoThanks for coming by everyone, drop in again sometime soon, 200,000 for the year perhaps ?
