I don't fancy yours much : Update

That Mandrillus Sphinx bloke tells the truth, the woman with the multiple piercings from Thursday's picture really is called Elaine Davidson. She is in the Guinness Book of Records as the most pierced person in the world (including 500 in her genetalia), here she is alongside Stephen Taylor who is really popular with young ladies for the same reason Gene Simmons was.



She also says she is afraid to return home to Brazil in case she is mugged for her piercings.

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For Wossername.

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CD Review : Too Bad We're Different - Lesser Known Breed***

Hot from the press, or from the Cd burner as things go these days, a demo EP by new local band Lesser Known Breed, Guy Hammon-Clark on drums, Ollie Lewis on bass and Jonny Briggs on guitar and lead vocals.

Opening track Feelings Like These kicks off in pleasantly perky punky style, this is probably the lads first proper recording so a little bit of advice, get your recording bloke to turn the vocals up in the mix a little, JB's voice is a rather distant sound in the background in some parts.

Too Bad We're Different switches between a jangling Kings Of Leon style riff and a more direct rock chorus, good song. 1984 opens with a chugging metal riff before turning into the lads more usual light punk style.

Fourth track Thinking Of Nothing is both the high and low point of the EP. It's a good track, well constructed, blazing along with blast of Blink 182 like zippiness, but, the backing vocals are quite excruciatingly bad.

Finishing the EP is the track Useless Parody, JB sounds just like Bloodhound Gang's Jimmy Pop on this one. This is bound to be a crowd pleaser in a live set, a few beers and the chance to shout 'Fuck You Bitch' in public, it's a sure fire winner.

All in all, not a bad effort in a rock punk vein, there are hints of Blink 182, Bloodhound Gang, InMe and others in there, for the old fart readers, I don't think this is a million miles away from a demo called Gasoline & Suicide by a band called Spoilt Bratz who went on to become Terrorvision. I enjoyed it, Chefette was rather regretting brining it to work as I played it half a dozen times in a row yesterday.

The acid test always has to be, does this make you want to bother with the band again, and the answer here is yes, I'd like to see them live. Lesser Known Breed, not the finished article, but worth looking out for.

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Driving With Boys In Cars : Update

Yesterday a huge parcel arrived for the youngster who has managed a hat trick of crashes in the past few months. I sidled over as he unwrapped the four packages within, new alloy wheels with thin tyres.

Not having learned any lessons at all from his previous experiences with walls and rocks, young berk has spent £1,000 , yes a thousand quid!, on four new wheels. Half an hour later the insurance company phoned to say that the damage to his car from the most recent accident was in excess of the value of the car itself and his pride and joy was a write off.

How deliciously ironic.

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I don't fancy yours much.

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Wine Review - Edi2ione '00, Laithwaite*****


I have just moved a case of this from my long storage shelves to my ready to drink shelves (Big Red Boys take note) to make room for heaps of Rioja. This is the 2000 release of Laithwaites own Super Tuscan blend.

The wine is dark, really dark, so purple that it is almost black. The nose is big and rich, fruity and spicy. Edi2ione has mellowed a little in the years it has spent in my cellar, the tannins have softened and the wine has intergrated to become a super smooth, flavour packed beast of a
wine.

It brims with ripe fruit flavours, plum and sweet dark prunes, the flavour is mouth filling and well balanced and has a long and intense finish.

This cost me a mere £7.75 a bottle from Laithwaites, when compared to other super Tuscans, Barolo etc. this really is a bargain price for such a fantastic wine.

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(Pinched from Spacefish over at B3ta )

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But does that mean she'll still be wearing the red jumper ?

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And now your boss is thinking, "You're fired." What's with the wannabe Roman Centurion look anyway ?

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One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine.

This was highly upsetting for her.

She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

She finally asked him, “Well what should we do about this?”

Dad looked at her and said, “Well, I don’t think you should spank him."

(Thanks to DaTaste)

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Driving With Boys In Cars

I have an acquaintance, of a legal age to drive an automobile, but in my opinion not sufficiently mature to be allowed behind the wheel of a car capable of speeds of 100 mph+ and therefore potentially lethal to himself and other persons on the road. Or in his case, persons passing by on the pavement, or in really unlucky cases, persons having a quick pee behind the wall that he has just demolished.

This young lad, since passing his test, has written off two cars in self inflicted accidents. On both occasions he freely admits that he was messing about with his cd player when the car left the road and tore down a large section of dry stone wall, or left the road and ripped the wheels off on some poor soul's ornamental boulders.

He is obviously an idiot. He drives much as any teenage lad does, accelerating like he's on the start line at Le Mans even if he's only popping out for a pint of milk.

Yesterday he had his third serious accident since passing his test, and incidentally, won me a fiver. I'm now so convinced that he's going to run his car off the road that I have instituted a 'crash pool' in the kitchen. I had opted for 'Within the first month', my star driver did even better than that, he went for his third vehicle write off within a week of getting his new car.

Sometimes the female waiting staff wonder why I'm not all that keen on letting the male waiting staff drive them home. Well, it's because on the whole they drive like utter tossers. I on the other hand, and most of my friends will attest to this, drive like an old fart, slower, but far more safely.

Idiot #1, who has had the three serious accidents, is now joined by idiot #2 who claims he wasn't going all that fast when his car left the road and demolished a farmer's sheep pen, it was icy he said. In that case, I said, you were going too fast for the conditions, you are still speeding even when you are under the speed limit.

These two berks though are joined by the common thread of stupidity, upon buying their rather small motors, they have proceeded to add extra lights, drop sides, darkened windows, under lighting, footwell lighting (I'm not making this up you know, he showed me, blue lights to illuminate your trainers!), spoilers (like they could ever go fast enough to need that) and moron exhausts that sound like the car is 5,000 miles past its last service.

Not surprisingly, when the wrecked car is presented for repair, the insurer turns to them and says, "I'm sorry laddy, but this isn't the same car that you insured with us." Car therefore wrecked, young lad has to be bailed out by daddy.

I'm working slowly to a serious point, and that is, come the glorious revolution and the Yorkshire Soul Party seize power, we will put forward a new law which will remove the driving licenses of young drivers who appear to be a liability and danger to themselves and others. People who drive off the road because they are changing their gansta rap cd's don't deserve to be allowed to drive. Let's remove these fools from the roads, force them to retake their tests and to attend a further course of road safety and driving lessons.

On the other hand, if they turn up for they their driving test wearing a Reebok tracksuit, kappa hat, G-Unit trainers and two heavy duty gold chains, just fail them automatically.

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Oasis frontman Gallagher was quoted on MTV recently as still backing Labour - albeit partly because if the Conservatives get in, "Phil Collins is threatening to come back and live here. And let's face it, none of us want that".

It's rare indeed that I would agree with anything spoken by that manc muppet, but let's face it, there are worse things than ill educated brats and long term unemployment, and the prospect of Phil Collins as a near neighbour (again, it feels like we've just got rid of the bugger, apparently he used to live just along the road from Wossername!) is almost reason enough to vote Labour.

Speaking of Labour, have Anne Cryer's office bothered answering any e-mails yet ? No.

I have sent this letter to them today, do you think I'll get a reply before the election ?

"Dear Anne,
Before I decide which way to cast my vote at the election, I would like to know your position on nuclear power.

Would you support the building of more nuclear plants to offset the looming energy crisis ? There has been much talk in the papers saying that Tony Blair will push forward a policy of advocating nuclear power if he wins the election, would you support him in this ?

In your recent letter to me, I could find no mention at all of yourstance, and your party's stance on green issues, energy policy, recycling, transport policy etc. Could you briefly outline your thoughts on these issues for me ?

Yours, Yorkshiresoul."

Update.....

Let's just get this strait, I have sent this letter to the address provided on the Keighley Labour Party website, I have also written to Anne at the two addresses given on her own homepage. The letter I have just sent has been bounced back with the following message, (the other two e-mails have vanished into the ether it seems) ....

"Please note that your e-mail has not been delivered because the mail box of the recipient is closed for Dissolution"

They don't appear to be very organised over at Keighley Labour, it almost seems as if they don't want to talk to their constituents.

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Resistance is futile...

Fine by me, I'm not resisting.

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I seem to have hundreds of daft pictures, such as this one of Ray Charles, sitting around on my hard drive, prepare for a flood.

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Captions ?

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Book review : Hello America - J G Ballard**



"I am far too serious a writer to have my novels considered as mere science fiction" . As far as I am aware, Ballard didn't actually say this, but Hello America is a strait post-apocalypse style sci-fi novel trying hard to be something else.

A steam/wind/coal powered expedition arrives in New York a century after the last fleeing emigrants completed the North American diaspora. After the damming of the Bering Strait climate change has wreaked havoc across the USA, a vast swathe of desert fills the country.

Into this desert our protagonists head, the verging on insane Captain Steiner, Wayne the stowaway and Orlowski both with dreams of becoming President, plus a pair of scientists charged with discovering the truth about nuclear emissions being tracked from Europe.

As the expedition head for Washington and then Cross country to Vegas, Ballard shows that when it comes to writing sci-fi, you should always pay some attention to the sci part, and he hasn't. He spends pages telling us of the scarcity of water in this new desert, the constant search for water becomes almost all consuming for the expedition. There are fights over who controls the vital water distilling equipment and a man is killed.

Then....someone turns up in three steam powered cars "twin plumes of steam venting across the highway like furious moustachios", hang on, twin plumes of steam, that's a lot of water you're wasting, and in the preceding chapter even the camels were dying of thirst. And food, what about food ?

Eventually they reach Las Vegas, which now sits in the middle of a tropical rainforest, and now I've got another problem with the book. This rain forest has been growing freely for a hundred years or more, and yet all the roads are still intact, they have no problems driving anywhere across America in fact, they must have built those roads well.

In Vegas they find a tin pot dictator calling himself President who has surrounded himself with with guards, robotic helicopters and a nuclear arsenal. More sci blunders, about 200 inhabitants we are told, all of these appear to be guards or military technicians, nobody grows food, nobody seems to do anything connected with running a successful settlement apart from building more weapons.

The book now changes pace and descends into sci-fi farce as the mad dictator plays ICBM roulette and an equally mad scientist unleashes an army of animatronic past presidents to try and stop him.

There have been a number of post-apocalypse novels written before, if this is a sub genre that interests you then try John Christopher - The World In Winter / Wrinkle In The Skin / The Death Of Grass, David Brin - The Postman (but forget the awful film), The Stand - Stephen King, Swan Song - Robert R McCammon, but maybe you should give Ballard a miss.

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Book review : Vox - Nicholson Baker**

I have only read one other Baker novel, The Fermata, a great idea fairly well done. Vox though, well it sounds as if it should be good, two lonely and randy people get talking on a phone chat room and then transfer their ever more intertwined erotic wordplay to a one on one conversation.

The thing is though, I'd like written erotica to actually arouse me, Nicholson managed this just fine in The Fermata, but his overly wordy characters in Vox just failed to get me going. I suppose everyone has certain triggers that get them going, I've never really liked phones, I can go for months without using my mobile and so the idea of an extended phone sex call doesn't do much for me.

Baker's characters are educated, intellectual and loquacious, and for me it's here that the book falls a little short of its promise. You understand from the off that the novel will build to a literal climax so it's just a question of whether all the bits along the way do it for you as well. The situations that the man and woman build through their oral interplay are well constructed and superbly described, over described even, but they just don't do a lot for me.

Vox is a good idea, and at 160 pages of large fonts and generous line spacing won't take up much of your precious time whether it stimulates you or leaves you unmoved.

A thought about one of Baker's other works, The Fermata, given that you had the power of The Fermata (the ability to freeze time at your whim), what would you do with it ? My own little Bakeresque scenario has the following headline.....

"Authorities baffled as entire Catholic girls 6th form college become pregnant"

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We're also not going to win anything or even make the playoffs.

Mighty Yorkshire on the other hand, the cricket boys demolished Zumerzet in two and a half days, including a welcome contribution from Kruis who received a slagging on this very blog only last week, I'll gladly eat my words if he performs like that every week. Wood and Harvey (209 n.o.!) are both looking good with the bat, Bresnan, Kruis and Harvey are picking up wickets.

We are top of the one day league and second in the 2nd Division, so far so good.

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This is a stream that runs out from Horton Limestone quarry and empties into the Ribble just below Horton - In - Ribblesdale.

The large quantities of limestone dust carried down by the stream has created a bed of soft limestone sediment giving the stream a very odd look.

The last photo shows the clear lime water from the stream emptying out into the peat laden Ribble.

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P.T.A.S.

Or the Pretty Tree Appreciation society, memberhsip open to all.

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Warning

I saw this on a footpath sign near Sannat Hall Farm in Silverdale, they don't mess about with burglars in these parts.

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Lazy Eating

I have noticed a fairly horrible dining phenomenon that like many things begins in America and ends up over here.

Lazy eating, attempting to get through an entire meal by only using your fork. My parents taught me good table manners, which item of cutlery to use for which dish, not to lick my knife, not to chew with my mouth open.

Last year, when we were dining in a restaurant called Osteria Stella I noticed that many New Yorkers were trying to eat their entire meals using only their forks. As I used my knife in the correct manner to cut and slice my way through my lambs liver I watched in baffled amusement as the locals attempted to wrestle their way through a roasted chicken using only that cutlery which had prongs. One bloke even resorted to pulling his dinner apart with his fingers rather than resorting to using his knife.

What is this all about ? Does nobody in America understand what those bladed implements are for ? They make eating your dinner much easier you know. I had to be restrained from offering advice to one diner who had begun to saw through his poultry using the side of his fork.

Now if you're having a dish like, risotto for example, then eating with fork only is no problem. It allows you to hold wine glass or gesture wildly as you tell a particularly amusing tale involving your younger self, several pints of lager, a two gallon bucket of golden syrup and next door's Highland Terrier. But please folks, if your dinner requires cutting, then cut it with a knife.

I wonder what happens in New York steak houses, do people just stab their slab of grilled beef and start gnawing chunks off it ? When the cheeseboard arrives will people forego the offer of a knife and instead try to slice a mature manchengo with a crumbly water biscuit ?

And what happens to me, the humble carvery chef ?

"Just two thin slices of the beef please chef."

"Sorry sir, we've gone American, tonight I shall be serving this rib of beef by ripping it asunder with a brace of pitchforks and then you have to eat it with both hands strapped behind your back and a grapefruit spoon sellotaped to your forehead."

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Walking Yorkshire - Pennyghent

At home (Ilkley) the rain is falling steadily and I'm having a hard time persuading myself to go walking. Eventually I get my gear together and drive up to Horton-In-Ribblesdale where the weather is completely different, it's blowing a gale.

There is sunshine though. This is the Horton Queen's Golden Jubilee Garden, with Horton limestone quarry in the background. This is also the last bit of time I'll spend in the sun all day.

Sheep, well I couldn't spend a day walking without taking photo's of sheep. Mrs. YS has already looked through the pictures, shaking her head in despair.

There it is, Pennyghent seen from the Pennine Way just out of Horton. It looks like summer but I'm wearing a coat, wooly hat and gloves. You see that white bit on the left of the summit, there's still snow up there.

Tarn Bar, a stream appears from out of the ground, falls down a small waterfall and promptly vanishes underground again to reappear lower down the slope at Horton Scar.

Looking at Pennyghent across the moor, the wind is now fresh, the climb is fairly steady, things could be worse.

Oh dear, this isn't looking good. As I puff and pant my way up the steep path leading to the summit the wind picks up, it's now strong enough to buffet me, and I'm a fairly sturdy chap.

On the summit of Pennyghent looking across to Fountains Fell.

A nice new seating and shelter area has been built at the summit, in a curving S shape so that whichever direction the howling gale is blowing from you can keep out of it on one side at least. These mock fossils have been placed in the dry stone wall, and very pretty they are too. There are also lots of little carvings, bees and honey and other creatures.

I was planning on walking along the top to Plover Hill and coming back via Foxup, but I have no wish to spend the next two hours walking into that wind so I turn south instead and come down the horrible steep southern face of Pennyghent.

I have never liked this part of the hill. Despite the path and steps it comes too close to climbing for my liking, and today the wind is making it a misery. My eyes are streaming in the wind, I can't seem to clear them as I carefully pick my way down the path lik a giant spider crab with two hiking poles reaching out for grips in front and below me.

You see all those rocks down at the bottom ? Well they obviously fell off the top, something else to keep in mind while you are picking your way down Pennyghent. My back is playing up, I've neglected to bring any painkillers, the wind is trying to prise me from the edge, I can't bloody well see and small drops of icy rain are striking me with enough force to leave welts.

I can't help but think, why didn't I go to the cinema today ? Or out for lunch ? I could be sat in a nice warm restaurant with a glass of red wine. This is not the most fun day's walking I've had in a while.

I injured my back four years ago in a fall while coming down from Simon's Seat, I slipped, my legs flew up in front of me and I came down with my lower back striking a rock. At the time I didn't think much of it, I brushed myself down and carried on, later in the day though I couldn't stand up strait, I could hardly get in and our of my car and months and years later it has left me with a recurring back problem. I get bouts of pain and stiffness (and yes Candice, I am doing my exercises) lasting from a few days to a few weeks. Today I am in the middle of one of those bouts.

The fall has also left me a little paranoid about falling again, it seems to take me forever to carefully pick my way down the south of the hill. But eventually I get down, greeting a few fellow crazy people who are on the way up.

Pennyghent as seen from Churn Mill. The white stuff you can see here isn't snow, it is a line of giant builder's bags holding large lumps of rock that are going to be used to repair the Pennine Way over Pennyghent. There are signs everywhere asking walkers not to cause further damage to the fragile moorland and to keep to the path, but it is obvious that many just don't care about the damage they cause.

I wonder how they get those bags of rocks all the way up here, there are dozens of them on the other side just below the summit, they must be a hell of a weight.

Pennyghent seen from Dale Head. I walked down Silverdale Road, then along Moor Head Lane to Helwith Bridge (where the pub advertising itself to be open all day was of course closed) and then along the Ribble Way back to Horton.

The walk was about 10 1/2 miles, and despite all the moaning it was better than being stuck in front of the telly. That's two of the three peaks done, Whernside next then, and then all three in one day in August hopefully, anyone fancy joining me ?

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"Heterosexual intercourse is the pure, formalised expression of contempt for women's bodies" - barking mad 'radical feminist' Andrea Dworkin.

Dworkin fervently believed that pornography was a precursor to rape, oh dear, much as a love of heavy metal leads to devil worship and shooting up your school then ?

Anyway, I didn't know much about her, and now she's dead.

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Captions ?

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Book review - The No.1 Ladies Detective Agency : Alexander McCall Smith*****



Bugger, I chose this for our book of the month for the Leeds Bookcrossers, and now I won't be able to go to the May meeting, still, I've read the book and it is wonderful.

Precious Ramotswe is a bright girl, well educated but headstrong as teenagers will be, proud of her fledgling Botswana and determined to make something of herself. She agrees to a marriage which her doting father warns her against, and which is obviously doomed from the outset.

After her almost inevitable abandonment, and the subsequent tragically early death of her child and then the death of her cattle hoarding father, she sets herself up as Botswana's only female private detective.

She learns some of her trade from books, but relies on her intuition and common sense for much more. Precious tracks down missing husbands and missing dogs and sets out on the trail of a kidnapped child.

Precious Ramotswe is a marvelous creation, warm and caring, intelligent and canny, fiercely independent now that her no good husband has departed.

She borrows a dog and shotgun to solve the mystery of a missing born again Christian in brave and gory style. She tells lies if the lies are a lesser crime than the one she is trying to uncover and she drives her little white van, serviced by her admirer Mr J L B Matekoni (and not her only admirer), all over Botswana and even over the countries' land locked borders in search of justice.

Precious believes in justice before law, she recognises the good that may be done by shaming a man into repenting rather than just having him arrested, and 'persuading' people to put things to rights rather than involving the police and courts at every turn.

The story thread of the kidnapped boy, which runs throughout the novel, is handled well and in a real life fashion. Precious does not spend every working minute searching for the boy and every resting minute fretting over him as if she were a protagonist in an American crime novel. Instead she does what she can, when she can, and the book is much more interesting for it.

The descriptive passages when she has tea with friends, or tends her garden, or shops for blouses to fit her ample bosom are a pleasure and add a completeness to the character of Precious Ramotswe. She is a real person beyond her chosen profession, indeed, as you have read much of Precious' early life, her career seems almost secondary to the detailing of her persona.

Precious Ramotswe is a rich and rewarding character, her forward looking and pragmatic views on life make this a most pleasing read. It would have been all too easy to make this a book about a 'charming black woman' with people admiring her for being fat and black and quirky and funny, but Precious has emotions and thoughts beyond the ones that merely amuse us, her language may be slightly simplistic but she certainly is not.

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As seen on 'Have I Got News For You'

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Wine review - Bestheim Gewurtztraminer '01, AC Alsace*****

How wonderful is this ? It smells like warm honey and spices and the flavour! It's incredible, almost like drinking the juice from a tin of lychee's infused with very ripe melon. It is rich, massively full flavoured and tastes sweet without actually being sweet, all the flavour coming from suprebly ripe fruit rather than sugar.

It would match up well with foie gras, milder thai dishes and blue cheese, I had it with a stir fry with just a hint of chilli and it made a good partner.

You would be lucky to find any of the excellent 2001 vintage still for sale but Laithwaites have the 2003 for about £9.75 a bottle.

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Wine Review - Clos Delem Semillon '03, AC Bergerac Sec**



My personal preference in white wines is for richer flavoured, off dry or German sweeter styles so this dry as a bone French Semillon didn't go down too well with me.

Very little nose, starkly dry on the palette gives a hint of citrus flavour but not much, austere and minerally.

I had the wine with a parmesan, roast chicken and petis pois risotto and it seemed to fight against the creaminess of the dish. If you enjoy really dry, slatey wines then this might be for you, it came as part of Laithwaites Premier Club and was therefore a freebie, I shan't be buying any more of it.

Available from Laithwaites for about £5.85 a bottle.

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Wine review - Lancellotta '02, Cantine Riunite, IGT Emilia****



Here is a wine that UK drinkers have probably never heard of before, Laithwaites have found and secured a small parcel of Lancellotta, a rare grape most commonly used to blend with other wines in Italy. The British tasters though were convinced it could stand out as a good wine on it's wine and talked the winemakers at Cantine Riunite into bottling some.

The result is a rich, dark wine, perfumed with dark morello cherries on the nose, on the tongue you get soft dark fruit, well integrated oak, hints of spice and vanilla and a big, chocolatey finish.

I served it with boiled ham, buttered cabbage and stilton sauce which it went quite well with, hoever a matching of Lancellotta and venison, grouse or steak would be even better.

Available from Laithwaites for about £6.29 a bottle.

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What have the Romans ever done for us ?

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Father reaches pensionable age.........much drinking and merriment ensue

Blimey, they could be brothers, Phil and JJ the birthday boy whetting their whistles.

New mum Michelle and v. cute baby Harry.

6pm, Margaret and grandad Tommy J - "I'm only staying 10 minutes mind, I'm 93 you know"

Um, little sis has matching shoes and bag, she's very proud of them, it's a girl thing.



Recipe for fun, take small child and get her to blow out candles, which then relight of their own accord, trust me, after a few beers this is hilarious.

Helping Grandad cut the cake, Jo and Ellie 'assisting'.

Joan and Graeme looking to have downed some of the party spirit.



Brother in law mk.1 Kevin.

The Babes. Holly, Sue, Margaret, our Holly is wearing her underclothing over her outerclothing (hoorah!), our Sue got barred from a pub last week (they're a rough lot the Guiseley cousins are) and our Margaret won't even let a heart attack get in the way of a good party.

8.30pm Yorkshire Soul, Tommy ("I'm only staying 10 minutes mind. Another pint ? Oh go on then") and Chris.



JJ, 65 going on 6.

Kevin, Squirt ( little sister Liz), Y Soul a look, it's 11pm, who is that ?

11pm, TJ, "I'm only staying ten minutes mind." Somebody take him home, we've all got to work in the morning. It was like this at my wedding, Grandad wandering around going "I'm 84 and I've had fifteen pints."

Well done Dad on reaching 65, it was a good party.

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The rain in Ilkley falls mainly on the golf course, we're closed again due to flooding, buggerit, 23 days this year and counting.

Snippets......

Well done super Paula Radcliffe, pisses on the road and the opposition.

Disgraceful Labour Party election broadcast on Friday night, totally negative, dredging up images from 20+ years ago to try and frighten voters, not a single mention of one policy idea or election pledge and they wonder why people are sick of politicians.

Speaking of which, Anne Cryer + office are obviously too busy organising their voters to bother answering questions, I'll send similat questions to Tory boy and see if his lot can do any better.
Tory Boy's office phoned me last week, this is the entire conversation......

"Hello, I'm calling from Karl Poulson's office to find out how you will be voting and which issues concern you most."

Ys - "I'm undecided at the moment....." and before I have a moment to state which issues might be concerning me, the phone is put down at the other end. The Conservatives, not the listening party then.

Yorkshire CCC, crap in the 4 day match, brilliant in the 1 day.

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Captions ?

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Objects of desire.

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I never know that there were so many different types of goths.

I think I could be a Fuzzygoth, death to Kittygoths!

Not weird enough for you ? Try Goth Girl Belly Dancing It's that rare thing on Yorkshire Soul, two Safe for Work links.

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Avril Lavigne

I think I have been ignoring our little Avril of late, and that's a bit cruel, after all for some months she was the number one hit generator for Yorkshire Soul with the phrases "Avril Lavigne Naked" and "Avril Lavigne is a lesbian" being typed into keyboards the world over.

More recently on Yorkshire Soul my attention seems to have wandered away from Canada's premier pop punk princess, but fear not, I'm otherwise low on material and inspiration so prepare yourself for an Avril Lavigne glut.



Whilst I have always poked gentle fun at the lovely Avril, there are people out here that genuinely detest her. I'm shocked, how can they not appreciate Sk8r Grrll's finer points. But no, these evil swine actually go to the trouble of making of making anti-Avril websites.

We can't have that, she's smashing, she's lovely, she's a little pocket sized bundle of perky fun.



Was she better as a brunette though, I'm not sure about the new blonde version, there's a little bit of Nicole Kidman begining to creep in, not a good thing.

Anyway, and you'll have to admit it, you did rather think that I was building up to something didn't you, and you were right.

The thing is, Avril Lavigne has a builder's bum, and there it is. But imagine my pleasure when Avril Lavigne flashed her bum for me. Cheers Avril, you've made an old man very hot and sweaty.

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"Drugs should be freely distributed. That way the people who want to kill themselves will do it, leaving more room for the people who can do the rest of the drugs."-- Marilyn Manson

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Kylie Minogue doing a Debbie Harry, nice.

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The Virtual Bartender 2, 'cos there's two of them. (probably NSFW)

Send me your codewords as you find them....beer, dance, karate, scream.

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"I`m a wicked black metal freak. I`m also into SM, I`m dominant. I`m a very HARDCORE DOMINA! But sometimes I also switch! I love bloodplay, I love 2 play with needles and blades, I love 2 pierce and 2 "sew" the skin of the slaves.
I adore 2 inject the skin with extremly salted water...
Now something more about my personality, well, I love poetry and I`m a very big fan of visual arts.LOL!!!! I also do nice "designs" on the skin of the pets!"

You see what happens, someone says something, it piques your interest, two days ago you were vaguely normal, now you find yourself with an in depth knowledge of ponyplay, bi bdsm switching and bloodplay.

Should you find your interest piqued by Florea Tonya Ina and her wide range of strange surgical implements then feel free to look her up, don't forget to bring along some bandages, and maybe a stungun. (Then again, she might enjoy that.)

If anyone asks whether these links are SFW or NSFW then you can expect a visit from Lord Darkchylde who will be bringing...

1) A snooker cue
2) A pair of pliers
3) Not enough lubricant
4) Michael Jackson (if available)

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Q: You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451, which book do you want to be?

It's a long while since I read this, does this mean I get to be a book and then get burned ? Oh well, I'll be Lord Of The Rings, it'll make a lot of flames at least.

Q: Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?

How strange do you think I am ? No, don't answer that. Of course I have, Durham Red, Catwoman, Death, Galadriel.

Q: The last book you bought is:

Um, I've scrounged a lot from Bookcrossers, I think I bought Midnight Tides - Steven Erickson, My Life In Orange - Tim Guest, Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell and Monday Mourning - Kathy Reichs all at the same time.

Q: The last book you read:

Midnight Tides - Steven Erickson, reviewed below.

Q: What are you currently reading?

Unknown Pleasures - Var, The Devil Rides Out - Dennis Wheatley, a collecton of fantasy stories and I'm about to start the No1 Ladies Detective Agency - Alexander McCall Smith.

Q: Five books you would take to a desert island.

I can't imagine there are five books that anyone wouldn't get sick of eventually, they would find a use as toilet paper and firelighter after the umpteenth reading, but.....

The Uplift War - David Brin
Memories Of Ice - Steven Erickson
The Scar - China Mieville
The Reality Disfunction - Peter F Hamilton
Excession - Iain M Banks

Who are you going to pass this stick to (3 persons) and why?

Daemonwolf, she's a really unusual and interesting person, I'd just like to know how her mind works.

Dorna, I think she's likely to have a different perspective from the rest of us.

Alex, will it be 5 memoirs of political giants, or does he secretly read Harry Potter under the bedclothes ?

But of course, everyone else is welcome to have a go.

(Found at Beatniksalad)

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Day 3 of the new season, my all night rain dance has worked preventing Essex from reaching a first innings total in the 600+ category, we might yet save the match.

I can't help but feel that this wasn't what I'd wanted from the opening game.

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Book Review : Midnight Tides - Steven Erickson****



This is the fifth mighty volume in Erickson's ongoing Malazan Book Of The Fallen series, and yet again it weighs in just a few pages shorter than LOTR.

I found this one to be rather heavy going, literally as well as literary. Erickson uses his usual plethora of new characters, the novel in set in the lands of the Tiste Edur and the Empire Of Lethar so there are no characters from previous novels mentioned at all.

It took me 250 odd pages before I found I really had an idea of where the book was going. There might just be one or two plotlines too many in this one, a character or twelve that could have been cut out.

The novel follows the fortunes of a noble born Tiste Edur family (and a host of others) as their nation enters a war with the Letharii. Erickson' relentless inventiveness and great sense of irony is once again on display, the communist Tiste Edur versus the capitalist Letharii whose nemesis is a man coated in gold coins is a great touch, as is the war demon Lilac who turns out to be a fisherman on his home world.

Erickson really shines here when he applies a light comic touch to some of his characters. The jovial interplay between Tehol and his manservant Bugg is a joy throughout the novel, and becomes even better when a permanently horny undead thief is introduced to a prodigiously endowed barbarian, three equally randy sisters and another undead who wants his teeth sharpened because it will make him look more scary.

This might sound as if Erickson has suddenly entered Pratchett territory, but not at all, the comic touches provided by some characters act as a balance to the terrible suffering and pain endured by others.

This is a good novel, although it does not quite hit the heights reached by Deadhouse Gates and Memories of Ice. Again Erickson doesn't get attached to his characters, a large swathe of the dramatis personae end up stabbed, poisoned, rended by demons or flensed by magic in the final few pages. It isn't his best work but Erickson is still by far the best writer of fantasy working today.

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I supported Tony Bliar over the Iraq war, when he said that weapons of mass destruction could be ready to fire in 45 mins, I believed him (I know, more fool me). When he claimed that he had seen incontrovertible evidence, that would later be made public, I believed him.

The thing is, if we had gone into Iraq just to topple Saddam, I'd have supported that as well, but at the time Bliar said that this was not the case. It wasn't until the whole WMD fiasco began to blow up in his face that the regime change argument came in to play.

I think he lied to us, and then changed his story to make it sound better in retrospect, if he's willing to fudge the truth on an issue as hugely important as this, can you believe a word he says on other issues.

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Would that have been the day that MG Rover closed ?

The thousands now being laid off at MGR and its suppliers might not appear in the unemployment figures for a while yet, certainly not until after the election is all done and dusted.

Labour, or do we have to call them New Labour since the Blair coup, seem to have no shame about posters like the one above, no sense of irony that unemployment has been rising for past few months (29,000 last month alone), and will most likely continue to rise after the election.

In fact most of the Labour campaign seems to be running on the "Remember the bad old tories" thing, but if you've listened to Bliar speaking at PM's Question Time, that's pretty much all he's said for the last eight years.

Imagine you are an employer. You take a man on to do a job. After eight years you feel that this 'new' man isn't really doing such a great job , he hasn't done either the things you asked him to do or the things he pomised he could do at the interview, but every time you ask him about it, he still blames the previous incumbent. Might it be time to get rid of him ? (And when you mention getting rid of him he starts whining "But the next bloke might be even worse")

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Hooray, another case of wine has been delivered to Yorkshiresoul Mansion, and this one is a bit special.

In 2001 most of Rioja declared the best vintage in a decade, indeed some writers were gushing that it might be a 'holy grail' vintage. In view of this outpouring of praise from writers I generally hold to be knowledgeable and whose palettes generally seem to match my own, I decided to do something I had not done before and bought 'en primeur' wines from a few Rioja bodegas.

En primeur is the slightly risky process of purchasing wine when it is still at the vineyard in barrel. You have to accept the word of the grower and winemaker that their promise of producing an outstanding wine from the initial tasting will hold true.

So, in the winter of 2001/2 I duly sent off a largish cheque and had my name chalked on a few barrels across Rioja. Yesterday my first case of 'holy grail' Rioja arrived. I couldn't afford the Gran Reserva so I went for the Reserva, one case of Vina Izadi Rioja Reserva '01 is now carefully placed in a dark corner of my cellar, displacing some aging Italians (we'll just have to drink them!).



I will be sampling a bottle with dinner tonight, wine review to follow.

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Captions ?

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So the first proper day of the new cricket season dawned, damp and dismal and nearly every match delayed due to rain, better than last weekend though when the opening games of the season were called off for snow.

Essex to bat, Yorkshire's aging bowling line up to try and take wickets. The day ends with Essex on 224-2 after Jefferson led with way with 149. Yorkshire already look weak in attack, Hoggard bowled tightly but without penetration, and anyway he won't be playing many matches for us this season, our new bowling signing, Deon Kruis (Who he ? You may well ask, 30 year old South African who has not really achieved much of anything, played in England once before for the village side Esher in the Surrey league) looked equally likely to take wickets.

Looking at our bowlers this year it's hard to say who is likely to take a stack of wickets, if we discount Hoggard for the remainder of the summer that leaves pretty much Kruis, Silverwood, Harvey, Dawson and then we're already into the second string of Blain, McGrath, Lumb, Bresnan and Lawson.

One worrying sign is that if you have a look at the Yorkshire County Cricket site, even they are only listing 9 men in the 1st Eleven profiles, and one of them is a 2nd 11 man. Oh bloody hell, it looks like being another long season.

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There are more strange things out there than you might imagine, I think I've got the whole bi bdsm switch thing strait in my head now, although strait probably wasn't the best choice of word.

But whilst researching that, I, oh dear, I rather hesitate to use the phrase 'came across', no, let's just plough on, I came across a practise known as ponyplay. It doesn't involve animals but let me assure you it doesn't make it any less strange.

Do you realise, that while you are sat at home eating turkey twizzlers and watching Coronation Street there are people out there wearing saddles and pretending to be bloody horses ?

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Boundary Integral and Singularity Methods for Linearized Viscous Flow ? Anyone understand that ?




A friend has just revealed themself to be, and I quote, "A bism switch", I'm confused, I may not be on the right tracks here. Perhaps I should press for further clarification ?

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Captions ?

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Book Review - A Year In The Merde : Stephen Clarke*****



An almost true account of a young middle managers working year in Paris, it is hilarious, to the point of Bryson/Pratchett laughing out loud on public transport funny.

Paul West accepts a job with a French food company, supposedly to launch a chain of English tea rooms in Paris. He soon realizes that working in France is nothing like working at home. His team seem to either do very little or to actively work against him, the boss is screwing the secretary and he just can't make them understand that 'My Tea Is Rich' is a really crap name for the shops.

Paul finds it almost impossible to find somewhere to live in Paris, until he falls into the open arms, and legs, of his employer's daughter. Not that he's the only one enjoying her free love attitude, or her penchant for growing interesting, herbs shall we say, in her dressing room.

Paul eventually finds his feet, the job is going well, he decides to buy a place in the country, it's so cheap, he can't resist. It's on the site of a soon to be built nuclear power plant, he tries to complain to the politicians only to find his boss is the local far right candidate, the plot thickens.

He learns to love French food, and French women, or rather he is taught how to make love by French women to free him of his English 'freezing'. He describes with great humour the intricacies of the Parisian housing, benefit and medical systems.

This is a really enjoyable read, it does contain useful nuggets of information for anyone trying to live in Paris, it keeps you laughing, it will reinforce your prejudice that striking really is a the French national hobby. There are elements of Tom Sharpe running through the book, especially in the wonderful twist of fortunes at the end.

A second installment of Paul's adventures is on the way, Merde Actually should be on the shelves later this year, I will definitely be grabbing a copy.

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Leeds Bookcrossers

The Leeds Bookcrossers group meet monthly (tonight, Tuesday) at a pub in Leeds centre, currently the Wrens. How to find the Wrens ?

If you are quite old it's opposite where the Tower Cinema used to be.

If you're a bit younger it's opposite where Mr. Craigs used to be.

If you're nowt but a stripling it's opposite where Club Europa used to be, or might still be for all I know.



Here is our glorious leader, the splendidly named Nia Daemonwolf, and her bloke. I think people start gathering from 6.30pmish, we tend to clash with the Wrens quiz but our superior weight of numbers soon drives the quizlings out.



We put the most handsome devils down the front, this is the hardcore boozing section of Bookcrossers, especially Carol on the left, the ones who'd much rather stuff down another bevvy and then have to run like buggery for the last train rather than leave earlier and face a leisurely stroll back to the station.

We're all fairly friendly sorts, we eat, drink and make merry, swap books and sometimes even discuss them, but don't panic, if you are a little worried about coming along, it's not a high faluting over your head intensely intellectual sort of discussion, especially as we approach last orders.



He's a lot friendlier than he looks.

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Captions ?

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The New D&D Campaign

Ah well, the old one fell apart due to a number of reasons, not least that I was finding it really hard work preparing adventures for Epic level characters. So we've put our high level PC's to one side and started again from scratch.

We play in the Forgotten Realms, the new group is based, as the old one was, in the fledgeling nation of Varaghast, between Cormyr and the Dales.

The new group, who have named themselves, oh dear, I'm sorry about this, The Magnificent Seven, are made up of........

Oceane - the stunningly beautiful sorceror was thrown our of her parents inn as her innate powers ran wild during puberty. Now with her powers somewhat under control she seems to be making a career out of getting knocked out in the first round of every combat the Seven get in to.

Thazar - recently released from a brief break breaking rocks in the Lord's prison, it looks unlikely that the sallow skinned Southerner will stay out of trouble for long.

Elvalador - what a top name, it's got real fantasy cred, sounds great shouted really loud at the start of combat. This half elven mage should have been hard at work studying her master's tomes of arcana, but instead spent the winter getting pissed and gambling.

Ember - Tall, hair has a life of it's own - literally, worships a God generally considered to be about as popular as the clap, determined to make many converts for Kossuth, or just to burn things, either wil do.

Naas - one permutation away from being a space research programe, Naas, confusingly for a cleric, worships the Goddess of magic.

Rhivaun - every adventuring company needs a brick shithouse and Rhivaun is it, the Black Raven tribesman likes lifting heavy weights and hitting things and he does it rather well.

Auguste - the burned man, Psionicist Auguste suffered a nasty accident as a youngster leaving him with the sort of facial disfigurement that causes people to stand, stare and throw things.

Well, there they are, the new heroes, all ready for a life of adventure and derring-do, or scribing, gravedigging and lancing boils to make ends meet anyway.

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The wisdom of Ginger McCain

A necessarily short series in which one of horse racing's leading chauvinists talks utter twaddle.....

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Captions ? Or is this one just far too bizarre ?

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The wisdom of Ginger McCain

An occasional series in which the great horse trainer and chauvanist says something stupid.....

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Justice for the poor

The Access to Justice Alliance, an umbrella group including Labour Peers, Liberty, Child Poverty Action Group, Justice, Citizens Advice and Legal Action Practioner's Group, held a rally yesterday to bring to public and government attention the fact that Legal Aid is becoming increasingly hard to get.

In 2000 there were 8,000 legal firms willing to undertake Legal Aid work, two years later this number had more than halved to 3,800 and the number is still falling.

Baroness Kennedy says that there are Legal Aid deserts in the UK where the poor have no access to the legal system.

Oddly, when I suggested a re-working of legal fees in order to ensure justice and fair access for the poor, some regulars said my ideas were, "all bollocks."

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MG Rover, a few questions

As the last large scale car manufacturer in the UK goes the way of the coal, steel and shipbuilding industries, I have to wonder, what exactly is the point of a Labour government that does not protect the workers?

Where was MG Rover's Chief Exec whilst his company collapsed around his ears ? Kevin Howe was sunning himself on the beach in Miami. With 10,000 plus workers in MG Rover and it's suppliers about to lose their jobs they might be asking why wasn't he at work ?

Rumours and accusations abound about a hole in MGR's pension fund, how big is this hole ? Where has the money gone ? Will Kevin Howe or any of the Phoenix 4 lose out on their pensions ?

Has the MG Rover group been asset stripped ?

Just how much money have the venture capitalist group Phoenix 4 made from MGR ?

At what point did the government realize MGR could not be saved ?

Was the demise of MR prolonged until the election was called thus avoiding awkward questions in parliament ?

Furthermore, was MGR allowed to die this week so that the news could be partially hidden in between the Pope's funeral and the Royal wedding ?

Oddly, when I wrote a week or two ago that new laws should be brought in to prevent exactly this kind of mis-management, or at least penalise the Board along with the workers, some regulars said my ideas were "All bollocks". I bet 5,000 MG Rover workers wouldn't think so.

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Yorkshire Soul's Rambling Quiz - Series 3 Week 7 Answers

Scroll back to the quiz posted on Sun April 3rd if you want to see the pictures again.

Nobody noticed that I managed to get the week number wrong, I think this was actually week 7, no bonus points there then.

1) The babe without underwear is Durham Red, the mutant vampire who first appeared in Strontium Dogs, a long running series in 2000AD.

2) John Constantine, he first appeared in Swamp Thing before moving on to Hellblazer.

3) Swamp Thing, his daughter is called Tefe (and in a strange convolution, was physically fathered by John Constantine)

4) The girl saying "Peachy Keen" is Death, her eldest brother is Destiny.

5) Tres ugly bloke is Arseface from Preacher, his face looks like that because of a failed suicide with shotgun attempt. (This photo is from some pre-production work done for a film version of the comic, sadly the film is no longer in production)

6) This is Dream, or Sandman, or Morpheus, and the nightmare with teeth in its eyes was The Corinthian.

7) This is Judge Death, he first appeared in Judge Dredd.

8) Who is inside the batsuit ? Azrael, or Jean Paul Valle, and he looks hard as nails as well.

9) This is Rorshach from the worlds best ever comic, Watchmen, he was killed by Dr. Manhattan.

10) The two characters in this picture are Preacher and Genesis.

Week 7 Scores

Chez 21
Eleanor 17
Dr. P 13
MR 12
Patricia 8

Week 7 League

1) Malcolm R 98 =
2) Eleanor 89 +
3) Dr. P 88-
4) Chez 80=
5) Penny Farthing 38 =, Trisha (Saeri) 38+
7) I am a Donut 34 -
8) Alex H(Yorkshire Ranter) 26 =
9) Chay 14 =
10) Jo (Counting Sheep) 13 =
11)Katherine(Chatiryworld) 9 =
12) Cocky 8 =
13) Ric B 6 =
14) Stuart 2 =
15) Tony T 0 =

= Same, + Riser, - Faller, * New Entry

As we move into the last few quizzes Eleanor rises into 2nd place, nearly snapping at MR's heels, Chez takes an awesome full points round to close right up on Dr P. It's looking like any 2 from MR, Eleanor or Dr P to qualify for the Champions League, Chez maks it into the UEFA cup and it's a strait fight between Penny Farthing and Trisha for the last European qualification place.

At the other end of the table, it's looking like relegation for Stuart and Tony, with only 3 quizzes to go, can they avoid the drop ?

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Does nobody care about the Olson twins ?

Having experienced a sudden drop off in pervy surfers to Y Soul I ran a quick check on my best forwarding sites and found to my horror that Google no longer pushes hundreds of one handed net addicts in my direction, and the reason ? The Olson twins naked seem to have vanished from Google's front page.

Obviously I need to rectify this, having hundreds of daily hits, even though they only stay for a matter of seconds before surfing on to search for Avril Lavigne naked, is good for the ego. Pervy surfers where are you ?

Obviously I need to get myself back up there on google images, let's try this then......

Hey pervs, here's a picture of the Olson twins naked

And as if the original pic wasn't enough, here is another picture of the Olson twins nearly naked, I like those butterflies.

Still looking for more smut ? How about Kylie Minogue naked ?

Teri Hatcher naked, on a balcony, honestly these celebs, do they think my evil paparazzi spies arn't watching ?

That's enough good work for now, I'm fairly confident that the Olson twins naked should have me rocketing the search engine ranks any moment now.

Are there any stars you would like me to track down ? Do you harbour a secret desire to see Elton John naked ? Gordon Brown unclothed ? Germaine Greer as nature intended ?

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The exploding Yorkshire Terrier, worksafe-ish, there may be pop-ups.

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The concentration test for men, of course it's not worksafe.

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Whilst wandering around the interwebnet, I came across this, a google page for ink blot tests, so you look at the ink blot and say the first thing thing that comes into your head.

What does this remind you of ?

Y Soul - "A naked woman with large breasts pouring milk over herself, what does that mean doc ?"

(Do I need to say ? NSFW)

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If you are a real Marillion anorak, as I am, you probably know everything about Marillion's lyrics anway , but you could still amuse yourself for a few minutes by letting your pointer come to rest at random places in this sites picture banner.

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(Sorry Tony , couldn't resist it.)

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Kitchen Afflictions, Or What The Staff Are Having To Suffer This Week...

1) No Woman No Cry (live) - Bob Marley & The Wailers (The Legend Of...)

2) Mars Bringer Of War - Holst (The Planets Suite)

3) Fugazi - Marillion (Fugazi)

4) Chick 'n Stu - System Of A Down (Steal This Album)

5) Spanish Bombs - The Clash (London Calling)

6) And Your Bird Can Sing - The Beatles (Revolver)

7) Romanticide - Nightwish (Once)

8) New Rose - The Damned (Greatest Punk Ever)

9) Sabre Dance - Khachaturian (The Sven Goran Erikson Classical Collection)

10) Invasion - Magnum (The Jet Collection)

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At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express via JR)

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Captions ?

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Rancinan


The photographic art of Rancinan includes such celebrities as Lance Armstrong, Tiger Woods, Heille Gabrisellassie and Alexander McQueen. Not all the photo's are as weird as the one above, some are weirder.

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The Top Ten Most Ridiculous Black Metal Photo's Of All Time

Liverpool's Igor Biscan plays football commando style, you'd be right in thinking that this one is NSFW, also, don't look shortly after eating hotdogs or salami.

(Thanks to Popbitch)

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Wine Review - Trittenheimer Reisling Apotheke Auslese 03er, Weingut Otto Bollig****



We were strolling through Trittenheimer on a lovely sunny day in late autumn, the day before the picking season began, and decided to have a look at Otto's place because it looked quite pretty. Not an entirely scientific method of choosing a tasting but it seemed to work.

We were met by Mr Bollig senior, who ushered us into the cellar, this was a slight dissapointment as I was hoping the tasting would be held in the rather nice bar/restaurant attached to the guesthouse, no matter though.

In the cool cellar Dennis and Christine tranalated my fumbled attempts at asking for Auslese, Spatlese and Icewine and we eventually tasted a fair selection of Otto's finest wines. At the end though he vanished into the darkness at the back of the cave then returned with a glass of something, he indicated I should try it and gave the German speakers a big wink. I did, I swirled, sipped, sucked air, swallowed and cogitated, finally, and with some trepidation I said.

"It's just grape juice isn't it ." Otto laughed, he didn't seem to mind that his big joke hadn't worked.

Anyway, to the wine. The Trittenheimer Apotheke Reisling Auslese won the silver medal at the Rheinland-Pfalz competition, sorry I don't know the gold winner. It's a mere 8% abv, naturally sweet, and arrives on your tongue in a huge rush of tinned lychee and very ripe melon. It's a lovely little wine, light but packed with flavour, perfect chilled before dinner or for sitting out in the sun.

Otto makes three different QMP wines from three vineyards on the shale slopes above Trittenheim, Apotheke, Rosengartchen and Altarchen, the wines are also made in the usual dizzying array of German styles by ripeness.

The wine cost about 6 euro at the cellar door, or roughly £4.20, I wish I'd had the space to bring a few more back but I was saving room for Luxembourg champagne and my holy grail, Icewine.

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