Now that I'm famous...... Things I must do (or is that that things one must do ?)... 1) Buy a crap dog, I don't really like dogs, but it seems to be the in thing for us celebs to do, Minor celeb Lee Ann Rimes goes over the top with two crap dogs. Sigourney Weaver and pet, this is the mid way stage between the stomach burster and the big fucking scary thing that eats everyone, as a dog though, it's shit. Paris Hilton, porn star, and the crappiest dog so far. It's wearing a pink t-shirt!!!! Seriously, if you see dogs like this on the street, they are classified as vermin, you can legally drop kick them into the next county. Billy Joel and his good friend Fionula, there are so many things wrong with this that I don't know where to begin. 2) Be rude to people in Tesco , ok, so I've got that sorted at least. 3) Be gay, get outed by the media. Oh dear, I really don't fancy this bit at all, I mean, I might end up with some nice attractive person.... ...like David Hasslehoff for example, (in case of legal action, I'm not actually insinuating the 'The Hoff' is in the least bit partial to pitching from the rough), or, I could end up with some dreadful old trout with bad manners, appaling dress sense and a dead animal on his bonce.... Oh bloody hell look at the state of Elton John, he looks like Ozzy Osbourne's granny. I don't much fancy the options here, can I be a celeb and stay strait ? 4) Get a drug habit, hmmm, does this count ? 5) Get a posse of admirers, Sorted, I presume the money starts rolling in any minute now ?