Book Review, Durham Red : The Scarlet Cantos - Dan Abnett & Mark Harrison *****



Durham Red was first seen in the excellent Strontium Dog series than ran in 2000AD magazine, there she was a bloodthirsty vampiress who fell in love with the head honcho, Johnny Alpha.

In this incarnation, Abnett has pushed the timeline forwards by about 1,300 years to the start of another human-mutant war, but this one spreads out across the stars.

Mark Harrison's painted artwork is sumptuous and beautiful, the immense clashes of the opposing armadas are rendered in awesome detail, and Durham herself never fails to look good in her skin tight leather catsuit.

The plot takes us through genocide, false idols and into a wretched pit of evil with uncountable dark crimes all supposedly commited in the name of Saint Scarlet. Also included is a one off story in which Red gets to see another possible future. Nicely scripted for a short graphic novel, but just buy it for the artwork, it's glorious.

I'm going to do the quiz answers on Saturday morning, sorry for the delay, but it means you still have a day to get your answers in or make revisions.

If you have received an e-mail from me via Breedster, have a go, it's a harmless little online game of socialising/bonking insects, and I want to make it to 10 buggy offspring.

New chef Liam reports that he tried to access Ysoul.org from the local library terminal, but found it to be on the list of banned sites/unsuitable material, hurrah!

Book review - The Line Of Polity - Neal Asher *****



We SF fans, we like things big, and the very kind and slightly warped Neal Asher provides us with big things, in this case a battleship so big it can't be put into orbit around planets with seas. Tidal problems you understand.

"Visit a world where you cannot even draw breath....even if it's horrifying wildlife would let you," runs the blurb on the back, this might lead you to think that you are in for another Skinner style bloodfest, but not so, well, not until late in the book anyway.

So here we are on the world of Masada, outside the Polity, controlled by the religious dictatorship of the Theocracy who run the world as a cross between 1984 and the Spanish Inquisition (but without the soft cushions). The Polity are looking to pull Masada under their control, thus top agent Ian Cormac and his pet shuriken (the one with the penchant for separating people from their limbs) is sent to stir things up.

Stir things up he does, as does the arch mad scientist Skellor, who, after infecting himself with Jain nanotech, steals one of the aforementioned moon sized battle cruisers and comes after him.

You want lots of big explosions ? You've got them. You want another cleverly imagined world chock full of hungry predators ? You've got Squeems, Siluroynes, some nasty heron type creatures, and (fanfare please) the Hooders, a creature so large and dangerous and difficult to kill than even a Golem with a rail gun runs away from them.

As with Asher's previous two novels, Gridlinked and The Skinner, the action heats up early on and stays hot. 'Polity' is easy reading, gripping stuff, full of action, strange environments and multiple characters all persuing their own particular agenda's.

I hope I'm not giving away too much of the plot when I say, two down, two to go ?

Gig Review - The Wildhearts/Therapy?/The Glitterati, Leeds Met *****

Music courtesy of Ginger and Co., bouncing around by JR, YS and lots of sweaty people, hangover by messrs. Artois and Daniels.

Leeds glamish rock things The Glitterati were pretty good, nicely bouncy rock deadened by some muddy sound. A couple of catchy tunes, the titles of which I have since forgotten, ah wait, what's this ? I have a tattered flyer and two shiny mirror badges in my pocket both of which say "Here Comes A Close Up." That'll be a song title then.

Therapy ? have long been on my list of bands I wanted to see, and I wasn't dissapointed with what I saw tonight. The Irish semi-hardcore trio pounded through a selection of songs, again most of which I have forgotten in my alcochol fuelled pogoing frenzy, but personal favourite "Teethgrinder" and crowd pleaser "Isolation" were both performed with manic glee by Cairns and co.

On to the main event then, The Wildhearts. "I write better songs than the Beatles," Ginger once said (whilst taking enough smack to floor a horse of course), and when you look back at the wealth of great material he has produced, he's almost correct. Plus, they're off the dope, but I've had so much booze that it sort of balances things up.

I've had a lot more beer and JD by this point, and spent all the Wildhearts set in the front row so my memories of the rest of the night go something like this..........shout, sing, pogo, mosh, headbang, shout and sing, TV TAN, GREETINGS FROM SHITSVILLE, bounce, sweat, "No we're not playing bloody Skybabies", O.C.D, stumble, sweat, CAPRICE, "We're sodding off to America for the rest of the year", CHEERS, push, shove, sing a bit more, VANILLA RADIO, "Thankyou and good night."

The Wildhearts, as much fun as you can get with your clothes on.

Further problems for the Mars explorer.

Cricket God has moved up a division or two after being headhunted by Bradford & Bingley, in his first match he opened the batting and top scored with a very creditable 54, we went to watch him play in the sunshine at Wagon Lane yesterday and, erm, oh dear, a bit of an off day. Bowled two 'help yourself' overs for about 17, then got out for 5, oops.

Go on Yorkshire, one match, one win, 100%, one team of soft southerners sent packing.
Even better, new chef Liam is an Essex boy, all together now..........
"Let's all laugh at Liam,
Let's all laugh at Liam,
la la la la, la la la la."

Today's Sports Commentary.............

"These two athletes are circling each other now.......

....throwing jabs, looking for a weakness in the others defence....

...a solid right hook from the Essex fighter has the London man reeling...

...there's been a lot of bad feeling before this match up, words and insults have been exchanged, they even offered to conduct the fight in the car park rather than the sporting arena....

...now that's out of order, one of the fighters is now making 'wanker' motions towards his opponent.......

...but sadly that's all we've got time for now, we will return to snooker from the Crucible after the news at ten."

A photo essay from the ongoing war in Iraq.

Visually stunning, appalling and frightening, there are photographs that may upset some people, the harsh realities of war as seen by one photojournalist.

DSP Andy reports on a bad blind date experience he had last week, the girl seems alright in the photo above doesn't she ? She just forgot to mention that she can crack walnuts in her bum cheeks.

Go on, have a look, it's worksafe.

Happy Saint George's Day to you all, what's so great about England I hear you ask ?
I'll be more than happy to point a few things out...........

Europe - there wouldn't be one without England (and thanks also to the USA, Canada, India, West Indies, Malta and numerous other nations on this one)

Eccentrics - blokes 'running' the London Marathon in full divers gear, blokes who build mobile sitting rooms they can drive on the roads, stamp collectors and trainspotters and twitchers.

Michael Palin. Paula Radcliffe. Margeret Thatcher.
Daley Thompson. Winston Churchill. Nasser Hussain.

Our sense of fair play.

Cheering the underdog.

Winning is good, but it's the taking part that counts.

Sitting under an umbrella in a mostly deserted park in the rain, sharing tea from a flask and wondering if the Burley vs. Addingham Under 12's B team match will ever resume.

Sports leagues with proper promotion and relegation.

Our acceptance and open mindedness towards the culture, creed and religious beliefs of others.

The Beatles. Status Quo. Lawnmower Death. The Wildhearts.

A working democracy and free speech........."Kick the Scottish MP's out of the UK Parliament, no double representation"

John Cleese. David Gower. Dickie Bird.
Geoff Boycott. Shakespeare. Walter Raleigh.

Leeds United. Bradford City. Halifax Town. Burley Trojans.

Feel free to add to the list...................

"On the left wing there's a lazy nigger...

.....he passes the ball to the useless paddy in the centre...

..the theiving scouser's nicked in, he's making a run...

...across to the wop on the right, back again to the carrot top jock....

...look at that now, you'd think that cheese eating surrender monkey would have given up on that ball, but he's crossed the half way line and given it to the kike in attack...

..left foot cross to the big wog AND HE'S SLAMMED IT PAST THE BIG RED NOSED NAZI IN GOAL!!!! ONE NIL WITH ONLY TWO MINUTES OF INJURY TIME TO PLAY AND THEY'LL BE OFF TO MEET THE GREASY TURKS IN THE FINAL!!......

(Last nights football commentary copyright 'Big Ron')

After garnering a number of hits for the phrase "Vegetarian blowjob" on my hit-o-meter this week, I would like to ask my veggy readers. is this somehow different from the the usual kind ?

I have two children, well, two eggs anyway, who wants a Breedster egg ? Contact me at yorkshiresoul@gmail.com

Yorkshire Soul's Rambling Quiz - Series 2 : Week 8

Send your answers to my new account.........Yorkshiresoul@gmail.com, on or by Thursday 29th April.

1) It looks like a big ditch, because it is, but where in the world will you find these massive ditches and ramparts ?



2) What is this, and in which city is it ? (2 points)



3) Which city's Olympic stadium is this ?



4) There are 3 temples here, one point for each, one point for the city ?



5) This is a famous battlefield as it appears today showing the rebuilt hospital and church, where is this ?



6) What is the name of the temple that these two magnificent figures are guarding ?



7) This unusual looking building was constructed for a world fair, what is it called, which city is it in, and what year was the exhibition ? (3 points)



8) A famous city by night, what is it called, and for an extra point, the big building in the centre is a bank, which bank is it ?



9) This building is home to a British orchestra, but which one, what is the building called, and which city is it in ? (3 points)



10) A royal residence, but which one ?

I have G-Mail, you can now reach me at Yorkshiresoul@gmail.com.

Darkness fans, read about the real legend of Black Shuck here.

Black Shuck, that dog don't give a fu................

There are some more new links in the ever growing links list to the left, do check them out, they nearly all swear less than me. If anyone else does want to link with me, just send me an e-mail with your url and we can get it on, in an electronic infohighway sort of way.

This is me!
Last night I was a pupa.
Now I'm an adult.
I'm off to fornicate with something!
2215 male, 1390 female, oh dear, not promising figures are they ?

Why the world is in the state it's in, this can be neatly summmed up in the following tale.

At one of the many restaurants I have worked in, we had a cleaner who was, to a degree, allowed to organise her own cleaning rota. On part of the rota was the instruction "Blue room to be cleaned twice per month". When she handed her rota in at the months end, it read..............

2nd March, cleaned Blue Room.
3rd March, cleaned Blue Room.

I have a chef, fully trained and competant this time which is good as we have only a few quiet days before the main season really starts, so not much time for training. I also have a new waiter, Rick, the only bastion of manliness in our sea of black and white femininity, and another new waitress Nicole ("Papa!").

I shall report as soon as any one of them does something insane/amusing/dangerous.

Why oh why oh why oh why do they do it ? Turn up for interviews, answer all the questions well, accept the job, confirm on the phone that they will accept the job, and then NOT BLOODY TURN UP FOR WORK ?. There can be few things as annoying in business than the thoughtless fools who waste your precious time and advertising money by behaving in this fashion.

So again the question, Lisa Fowkes of Privet Drive, Otley, where the hell were you on Sunday evening ? Carol didn't complain though, she ended up with double wages.

Yorkshire Soul's Rambling Quiz - Series 2 : Week 7 Answers

1) Which concept album features the mute nephew of a Welsh miner who uses a voice synthesizer to communicate on Ham radio, title and artist please ? (2 Points)

Radio K.A.O.S. - Roger Waters

2) You are a Paladin of Tyr protecting two refugees, you are faced by an Avaral to your left, a Dretch in front of you and an Erinyes to your right, which do you attack first, and why ? (2 points)

The Dretch is small and weak, and if it makes a move towards the refugees the Avaral will slaughter it, so go for the Erinyes.

3) Which of these is most likely to get a British twitcher twitching ? (1 point)
a) Golden Plover
b) Golden Oriole
c) Golden Parrot Hawk

Golden Plovers are fairly common, Golden Oriole's are not, the Parrot Hawk I made up, the Oriole it is then.

4) What were Sambo's, and what was the percentage associated with them ? (2 points)

The British government in the West Indies came up with a classification system for the offspring of the white rulers and their black slaves, Sambo's were officially 10% white.

5) Name Shakespeare's 'Great Tragedies' and list them in the order they were written (2 points)

Hamlet
Othello
King Lear
Macbeth
Timon Of Athens

6) What makes the Suez and Houston canals different from the rest of the world's longest ship canals ? (1 point)

They have no locks.

7) AC Milan, Sampdoria, Juventus
Red Star Belgrade, Manchester United, ? (1 point)

Inter Milan, this was a list of the winners of the Champions' Cup, Cup Winners' Cup and UEFA Cup in 1990-1991.

8) beginning with talc, ending with diamond, what am I ? (1 point)

Mohs scale of hardness for minerals.

9) What is the nickname of Chopin's Sonata in B Flat Minor ? (1 point)

Funeral March

10) What phrase appeared on early Status Quo albums and was later used to title a best of compilation ? (1 point)

From The Makers Of.

This weeks scores, from a possible 14........

Malcolm R 9
Dr. P 9
Penny Farthing 5

The League : Week 7

1) Dr. P 85
2) Malcolm R 81
3) JR 74
4) Kennamatic Dave 38
5) EvilBarSteward 23
6) Penny Farthing 16
7) Chay 13
8) DSP Andy 11
9) CountingSheep Jo 9

It looks like a battle between Malcolm and Dr.P for the the top spot in series two, JR has kept up the pressure on the league leader throughout the series but his failure last week leaves him lagging behind in the race for the title.

At the other end of tthe table, Penny Farthing climbs away from the drop zone, but can Counting Sheep's Jo avoid relegation to the Daily Sport Crossword ?

You can just hear him saying "I'm gonna bust a cap in yo' ass" in his whining, nasal Scouse accent, the truth is, he's holding a cigarette lighter, stolen of course, but with any luck the police won't know this and will shoot him dead. Cost of bullets = £3 against the cost of a lifetime of court appearences, prison sentences, rehab visits and damages claims, sounds like a bargain to me.

For more on Britain's burgeoning peasent underclass, visit the very funnny Chavscum.

Good morning and welcome to the week. We were closed yesterday due to rain, heaps of it, and it looks like we are going to close again today. Our current club captain is a bit of a hero though, he took yesterdays match vs. Southport & Ainsdale over to play at Alwoodley and then brought them back here again to have dinner so that I didn't miss out, cheers captain.

Maddest advert that I've seen in ages, very funny, it might take a bit of an age to load if you don't have BB, worksafe ? Yes, but it might have you giggling at your desk.

Here's another mad little animation from the maniacs over at B3ta, it's called Bukkake, it's possibly worksafe, just don't have any Japanese friends standing too close.

Gentle reminder......quiz answers for first thing Tuesday morning please, you'll be sorry to note that new Dad managed to complete last weeks quiz.

They're breeding 'em big and hairy in Lancashire, or so Dr. P reports, well done to him, and especially well done to his good lady Helen on the birth of their son Oliver, 8lb 13oz of potential prime Lancastrian batting talent. If only he'd brought his wife over the border...............

It has been brought to my attention that a number of articles on Ysoul over the past few months, on vegetarianism, PETA, slack parenting, pedophiles, poor school standards and naked lesbian pop stars, have offended a great number of Yorkshire Soul readers.

In order to rectify this situation and provide the greatest level of offence to the widest possible audience, could readers please tick off the titles on the list below that offend them the most, and e-mail them back to me.

1) A sketch in which David Blunkett is seen spinning his dog around on it's leash whilst shouting "I'm just doing a little window shopping."

2) A recollection of jokes heard at middle school, including........

Q - What's red and white and sits in a corner screaming.

A - A peeled baby in a bag of salt.

3) A sketch involving two disabled people and a bus conductor, entitled "Aye, aye, aye, you look 'armless, hop on."

4) A fantasy piece in which Beyonce Knowles sings the speeches of Oswald Mosely.

5) A fictional account of a dinner party where the guests are Mother Theresa, Adolf Hitler, Jordan and Jeffrey Dahmer.

LETTER FROM A FARM KID,
NOW AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT.

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds, and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds
dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Gail.

(Thanks to JR)

Spoken Word Album Review, European Truce - Osama Bin Laden **

It must be said that Osama's more recent work has been of an ever decreasing quality. Those of us old enough to remember the polemic, anti imperialism of "America the Great Satan Will Burn In A Sea of Fire" will recall this firebrand of the Saudi terror-punk scene at the height of his creative abilities.

Even his later recording, "And Now For Something Completely Different - Tac Nuking The Kremlin", still carried with it the air of menace that marked his initial recordings.

On "European Truce" however, all the old venom and brimstone seems to be missing, his 'stand with me or perish' lyrics have instead become 'come on guys, do we have to argue so ?', middle aged and flabby, no more shocking than a gay snog on Coronation Street.

Along with many of his contemporaries, Status Quo, The Rolling Stones, the desire to keep going is still there, but the new material is all just music by numbers, going through the motions to keep the die hard fans happy. Osama bin Laden then, much like Cliff Richard, just another tired old fart who's gone well past his retirement date.

Book Review, Spike Milligan - Humphrey Carpenter ****

Some of the earliest books I can remember reading were Silly Verse For Kids and Milliganimals, weird, surreal, magical stuff, if I may quote.........

"String, string, a marvelous thing,
rope is thicker,
but string is quicker."

Spike's war memoirs also made a big impression on me, they were at the same time hilarious and desperately sad, which also seems to sum up Spike's life.

Spike ended the war badly shell shocked, I don't know whether this acted as the trigger for the depression that would plague him for the rest of his life, but it had a profound effect upon him.

He plunged into the world of entertainment, first as an accomplished jazz trumpeter, then as a comic actor, writer, presenter, radio dj and film actor. Everything Milligan did seemed touched by darkness though, he could seem to be brilliant and full of life and wickedness on stage, but behind the scenes he often withdrew from human contact from days at a time.

Certainly the dark side of Spike's life comes across in Carpenter's biography, the withdrawals, the hospitalisations and perhaps most saddening, the numerous instances in which Spike could find nothing good to say about his co-workers. Spike worked with such luminaries of the entertainment world as John Antrobus, Eric Sykes, Larry Stephens, Michael Bentine, Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and many, many more, there is hardly one about whom Spike had not made some scathing remark.

I'm not entirely sure when trying to review a biography whether I'm rating the book, or the subjects life, but on Carpenter's writing, he credits the earlier biography by Pauline Scudamore with such frequency that I was unsure just how much of his own research he has conducted.

Still, for a fan it's an interesting read, it paints a picture of a mentally frail man who was at the same time blessed with an unstoppable imagination, a man who tried hard to be a good father to some of this children, and almost ignored the existence of others. Spike seemed comically hypocritical in most things he did, although supposedly a vegetarian, and involved in a one man protest against foie gras where he tried to force feed 28lbs of spaghetti to the Harrods Food Halls manager, he ate bacon and eggs for breakfast most days.

He moved from London to the south coast, and made comment that it was because of noisy neighbors, but when those same noisy neighbors were interviewed they revealed that Spike would often practice his trumpet in the garden. With Spike it always seemed to be do as I say, not as I do.

Darkest Africa (or Peru) 2

Birmingham, the armpit of England, as we were stuck in it. As we pondered the nightmare of the Bullring JR was muttering, "It said Black on the map."

"Black Country you buffoon," snapped Agent Sprengsteff, her breasts heaving against the flimsy blouse I had scripted for her.

"And another thing," she said. "What exactly is my role in all of this ?."

I answered honestly.

"A sort of combination of Seven of Nine, Pandora and Denise Lewis."

"Ah," she said. "Brains, beauty, bitchiness and stamina."

"WITH HUGE GARBONZA'S," shouted the rest of the team, Agent Sprengsteff just glowered.

"We shall have to start the hunt for the evil doctor here then," I said, prodding the map.

"What ? In Dudley ?," said P.

"With his blood crazed miniature giants, he could have gone to ground anywhere."

"Why are they so blood crazed ?" asked JR.

I lowered my voice to a whisper, I didn't want to alarm, or indeed awaken, the inhabitants of the Midlands.

"He forces them to watch endless re-runs of Eastenders," I said softly.

"NOT EASTENDERS!," the team shouted.

"Sssh," I hissed, too late, the locals were gathering around us, a ragged chant went up.

"Crossroads. Crossroads. All Hail King Benny."

"Now you've done it," I said. "Let's scarper."

We ran for the airport, stopping only for fags, wine, burgers and to take in the model railway exhibition at the NEC. I could hear DSP Andy booking the tickets......

"One first class, three cattle, and a permanent toilet booking please."

Again we were airborne, I glanced across at the amp in JR's hands, it said Liberia, I sighed, Lithuania it was then......................

"Dear Tony,
Thank you for your inquiry relating to the position of the arm as the bowler releases the ball.

The Laws of Cricket and the ICC playing regulations both prohibit the bowling of underarm deliveries.

The level of the ball in hand in relation to the bowler's shoulder is the critical issue in determining underarm/overarm bowling. The bowling arm must swing over shoulder height during the delivery action for the ball to be considered to be delivered over-arm. Several international bowlers have displayed noticeably lower, or 'round-arm' actions, similar to Fidel Edwards, but still complied well within the Law in this sense.

Yours in cricket,

Tony Dodemaide
Head of Cricket"

Tony writes the Muri Hate site Aftergrog Blog, which is dedicated to the gentle arts of cricket, the frankly baffling sport of Ozzy Rules (in which a drug fueled heavy metal star tries to eat three bats in five minutes, presumably) and things Tony has seen on the telly last night.

I asked him a question (Is Fidel Edwards cheating ?), he didn't know so he asked Lords, and Lords, they say no.

Yorkshire Soul's Rambling Quiz - Series 2 : Week 7

As always, send your answers to Yorkshiresoul@Hotmail.com, don't supply lists of possible answers, I'll try to do the scoring on Tuesday 20th April so answers in to me on or by Monday the 19th.

1) Which concept album features the mute nephew of a Welsh miner who uses a voice synthesizer to communicate on Ham radio, title and artist please ? (2 Points)

2) You are a Paladin of Tyr protecting two refugees, you are faced by an Avaral to your left, a Dretch in front of you and an Erinyes to your right, which do you attack first, and why ? (2 points)

3) Which of these is most likely to get a British twitcher twitching ? (1 point)
a) Golden Plover
b) Golden Oriole
c) Golden Parrot Hawk

4) What were Sambo's, and what was the percentage associated with them ? (2 points)

5) Name Shakespeare's 'Great Tragedies' and list them in the order they were written (2 points)

6) What makes the Suez and Houston canals different from the rest of the world's longest ship canals ? (1 point)

7) AC Milan, Sampdoria, Juventus
Red Star Belgrade, Manchester United, ? (1 point)

8) beginning with talc, ending with diamond, what am I ? (1 point)

9) What is the nickname of Chopin's Sonata in B Flat Minor ? (1 point)

10) What phrase appeared on early Status Quo albums and was later used to title a best of compilation ? (1 point)

Bugger, I may have to eat my blog as Lara goes for the quadruple century today, he'll get his personal glory, and the Windies will still have been thrashed. West Indies have become the new England, we always used to win a test after losing the series as well.

Darkest Africa (or Peru)

So, the mysterious Dr Idi Amin Falujah Falafel Tortilla Arooga! Arooga! Quango Cointreau of the Ilk, and his tribe of crazed, cannabalistic, giant pygmies, have vanished into the trackless wastes of darkest Congo (or Peru).

Thus, I have assembled a team of crack(pot) mercenaries to plunge into the heart of darkest Laos (or Peru) in search of the mad doctor's lair.

JR - Battle hardened veteran of Iraq, Belize, two tours in Northern Ireland and the Chipping Sodbury curry house riots.

DSP Andy - The team's technical wizard, Andy will most likely take the rearguard position, in his Bentley.

P - Almost as mysterious (6.4 on the respected Almansa scale) as the mysterious doctor himself, P gains the ability to speak in tongues after imbibing his magical elixir, two bottles of '97 Peter Lehmann Barossa Shiraz.

Agent Sprengsteff of the Norwegian Secret Service (Tactical Intelligence Training Section) - In slow moving parts of the plot, we're hoping she'll show us her credentials.

So the team sets off for dimmest Borneo (or Peru), or at least we would if Andy wasn't still arguing over his frequent flyer miles and trying to get a business class upgrade.

I knew something was wrong as soon as we landed, and it wasn't just that P had filled all the sick bags on our row. I snatched the map from JR and turned it over.

"You fool," I said. "This isn't Borneo (or Peru)."

We looked around, and the full horror of our situation began to sink in. The strange shuffling gait of the locals, the sullen stares afforded us from beneath hooded eyes, the dull and listless accent that marred their words.

We had landed in Birmingham.

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.

"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.

"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responds the young man.

"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blowjob."

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house!"

"No offense, sir, but if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

(Thanks to Lindsey)

From Popbitch.......

">> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week?

Which Canadian rocker has been enjoying the
charms of a beautiful, blonde London transexual?"

Well, if it's Bryan Adams why don't you just say so, and if it's Avril Lavigne, can we have some pictures please ?

"I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the Chesterfield enjoying a cognac.
I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late.

Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "hello, Chris" at me when I was with my client. He agreed.

Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said "Hi Chris, what's happening?"

To which I replied "Fuck off Gates, I'm in a meeting."

(From TK)

The Rock 2

Underground they go, naked and unarmed, with the darkvision of Beltain and Callran leading them on. In the first couple of encounters the monk Isis has proved to be a formidable unarmed opponent, if she can get her strikes in she causes more damage than any of the trained fighters/clerics.

The Company stumbled about in the darkness, fighting a couple of minor encounters with ghasts, skeletons and, horror of horrors, a Fire Beetle, ha ha ha ha ha. Now they have some light, the sickly red glow cast by the Fire Beetles glands, yuck.

The most dangerous fight of the night came when they were ambushed twice, first by an invisible Phantom Fungus, not so dangerous in itself but the noise attracted the attention of three hungry Owlbears, without their armour and magical protections the company took a lot of wounds.

Whilst securing their perimeter after that fight, Beltain found a Bulette, which started ripping into the Company, a Slay Living spell was cast and the creature went down.

There has been much page flipping from the mages and clerics as they search for spells they can cast without material components, the discovery of an old leather belt brought much excitement "Now we can cast Mage Armour".

The Owlbears were skinned and now everyone is wearing a rather nasty, smelly, meaty, Owlbear overcoat, Sibornal has managed to fashion some rough shields from Bulette armour plates and scavenged bones.

The discovery of a Githyanki brought more excitement, perhaps the magic using humanoid could be captured for interrogation, it was, but turned out to be quite insane.

With the points gained, Callran added 1st level Fighter to complement her 14 level Mage (with the idea of eventually taking some levels in the Arcane Archer prestige class), Sibornal made 15th level, as Cleric of Caswell 13/Divine Disciple of Caswell 2, after his recent escapdes in which he pretended to be a follower of Ishtia, his god has given him the hard word and said he will have to atone for his error of judgement.

Book Review, Deadhouse Gates - Stephen Erikson *****



Fantastic, in all senses of the word. This, the second volume in Erickson's ongoing Malazan Book Of The Fallen series weighs in just short of a thousand pages, and very few of them wasted.

Again we are treated to a plethora of characters as Fiddler, Crokus, Apsalar and Kalam from the first book travel to the Seven Cities just in time to get caught up in the biggest holy war the continent has ever seen.

As Kalam journeys South with the assassination of the black hearted Empress Laseen at the front of his thoughts, he delivers a holy book which triggers the Whirlwind of Raraku, the tribes of the continent rise up against their Malazan oppressors and six of the Seven Cities fall.

From one of these fallen cities, the Wickan warleader and Fist of the Seventh, Coltaine, leads his army and a winding train of 30,000 refugees, his only plan, to walk almost six hundred miles to Aren, the only free city remaining on the continent. Along the way they are assaulted daily by the tribes of the whirlwind, fight numerous pitched battles and countless smaller confrontations.

Once again, Erickson's fights are brutal, blood and piss stained affairs, there's no high fantasy here, just the raw, visceral nature of hand to hand combat. In the background to Coltaine's march numerous characters wind their way across the continent. We get to meet Captain Paran's younger sister Felisin, imprisoned along with a renegade priest of Fener, the guardian Mappo and his walking apocalypse/friend Icarium and numerous races, gods, demons and creatures.

Deadhouse Gates is a better novel than Erickson's debut Gardens Of The Moon, if anything, it is more tightly plotted than the first book, but with so many different plot lines running through the tome, you really have got to pay attention.

In my review of Gardens, I wrote that Erickson has no qualms about killing off major characters, and that he doesn't seem to hold with neat and tidy, happy endings, I won't say anything more, but the final few pages of the book had me reeling. A superb read, bring on part three.

Book Review - Hellblazer : Tainted Love, Garth Ennis/Steve Dillon *****



I know it's been around for quite a while, but nevertheless. Back in the late 1980's, Alan Moore had an idea for a character, John Constantine. Constantine was a smart, hard drinking, chain smoking, womanising, very modern English magi. He knew the cant of demons and devils alongside being streetwise and arrogant.

The first story told the tale of a 'friend' of Constantine's who had trapped a hunger demon in a bottle, and then let it free, the story raced around London as victims ate themselves to death, then to the Sudan to find the source of the curse, then to Manhattan and Papa Midnite's zombie voodoo lounge. Along with Sandman, it was the start of an epic new wave in adult comic literature.

By issues 68-71 (the issues reprinted here, along with two one off specials), Garth Ennis was doing the writing, with Preacher's Steve Dillon supplying the artwork.

By now, John Constantine is as low as he can get, or so we suppose. Living on the streets, downgrading his choice of daily oblivion from whisky to meths, denying who and what he is. It is in this wretched state that the King of the Vampires finds him, defenceless, caring not whether he lives or dies, the vampire offers him immortality, but some tiny spark of his self remains, he refuses, and the vampire bites deep.

Constantine survives the vampires attack, and whilst stumbling blind drunk along the overgrown banks of the Thames he happens across the remains of a WW2 fighter pilot, and the ensuing encounter with the ghost of a young man who had everything to live for, and strived so hard to survive, puts Constantine's woes in perspective, he finds himself again.

Although Hellblazer has had a number of writers along the way, it remains one of the very best comics around, and later this year, we get a Constantine movie.

Film Review - Dawn Of The Dead ***

Dawn Of The Dead site

George Romero's classic zombie splatter fest updated by newbie director Zack Snyder, was is worth it ? Only just.

If there is one category of horror movies that scares the pants off me, it's zombies, and this remake certainly got me jumping and twitching in my seat, but it does seem to be lacking something.

Snyder has updated Romero's shuffling, deadbeat zombies by watching Danny Boyle's uberzombie flick 28 Days Later, he's tried hard to make his zombies fast, frightening and awe inspiring, but somehow, they're just not.

Boyle's Rage infected, blood vomiting, growling, running, killing machines were truly frightening, in Dawn Of The Dead, the big crown scenes of zombies just had me laughing, they're all waving their arms and shouting, it looks like Metallica's mosh pit.

Good points of the film include Ving Rhames, he seems like a nice bloke, Mekhi Phifer who whilst not appearing as quite such a nice bloke, supplies a nice little plot twist along with his pregnant girlfriend and Sarah Polley as Ana. The scenes with Andy the lone gunman also add some humour.

So what do you get for your money, frights a plenty, lots of blood, a fair amount of zombies getting their heads blown off and Ving Rhames being Ving Rhames. If you want to see something really scary though, do check out 28 Days Later. The most horrific thing about this whole experience ? Paying £5.60 for a hotdog and a pepsi, daylight bloody robbery.

Here's a little game for you, look out for the stiffies, then slap a condom on them, in case you were wondering, NSFW - OK ?

Here's a little link, The Achimota Trust. What's this you say ? It has no tits, tats, naked celebrities or entertaining mini-games ? Sadly not, but JR did write it, good going that man, should I ask him to rewrite YSoul?

It also features a photo of this bloke...........

Malcolm R, Yorkshiresoul's brightest reader. Also on the same page, damn, he's escaped our clutches again, can nobody get a picture of the mysterious Professor Alex Kwapong ?

Ey up, I'm here. It's nearly summer, therefore less blogging until about, November. First off then, a rather brilliant advert stolen from The One Eyed Man.



And courtesy of JR, some rather brilliant sand sculptures.........







Also courtesy of JR, some more sand, er, thingies, that are far too rude for the blog.........

Big, I mean BIG John Holmes.

Sand in yer bits.

Careful, he's got crabs.

3 - 0

Well done to captain Michael Vaughan and the England boys on the first English series win in the Windies since my parents thought it would be a good idea to have a little boy.
Once again the English bowling demolished a fragile West Indies batting line up with Yorkshireman Matthew Hoggard leading the way with a fantastic hat trick.

Tired and emotional after the match, Hoggard said during a radio interview, "The hat trick started with the first wicket." In my experience Matthew, they pretty much have to.

In other sporting arena's, I lost £20 on the Grand National, but my horse wasn't shot so it's a victory of sorts, Mrs YS won on the 2nd placed nag, and some German bloke in a fast car probably won a long, dull, motor race, but I didn't watch. (Jenson Button was later heard to say "We've got a special gadget that makes the car go really fast." It's called the engine you moron).

Pain : 5 / The Rock 1

Disaster has struck ! As the Company assaulted The Tower of Cleansing Flame, the main temple and barracks of the Red Redemptionists, they were caught between a Lava Golem and a Gorgohydra, sadly they misread the situation, chose the wrong one to run away from and in two breaths were turned to stone.

Except Saragon, who, bravely fighting on is own (he had little choice though) was attacked by a vengeance Veity wearing the face of Kitiana, as the Veity attempted to rip out Saragon's soul, Regina (a ghost who lives in the Gemsword) grabbed hold of him and pulled him into his own sword.

All to no avail though, one by one the Company were turned back to flesh by Githyanki warlocks, stripped of everything, and then cast through a Gate on to an asteroid floating in the Astral Plane.

How will the company fare without their huge amounts of magical weaponry, armour and firepower ? Regina has appeared to lead them into the interior of the rock, but what lies within ? We'll find out on Good Friday.

Advert sponsored by a Mr T Bliar.

Often whilst surfing the net you find nothing more than the endless angst ridden warblings of the western worlds teenagers (get off your arses and get a job, then you'll see what life's really like), and the endless adverts to see Paris Hilton performing on camera. But sometimes, just on rare occasions, you find works of true, inspired, warped genius, I present below some exerts from a Friday 5 on a blog called About Pip.

"Cats and dogs would have the ability to mate hence sealing a peace accord lasting unto eternity. Nice pert breasts for men would end institutional sexism at a stroke (so to speak) and the sexes could finally get down to the serious business of self abuse. "

"Wear evening dress at all times, especially during cyborg sex where a stiff collar is always an asset. Very large spiders would act as the crew that did all the actual work but they would be gentically modified to be pleasant at all times, helpful, hardworking and willing to wear a plum coloured uniform with a sun visor at a jaunty angle. "

"My coughing skills would increase as my lung capacity decreased and only the ministrations of a buxom country wench with the arse of a shire horse and the wit of an apple would make me feel mildly better."

I've been looking for a new supplier, but this bloke isn't getting the job.

Doh

Today's Homer award goes to Carmarthenshire County Council.

They closed the Bigyn Primary school, probably to sell the site for housing, that seems to be the pattern across the UK at the moment, more houses, less schools.

Vandals attacked the empty property so they erected a huge, tall fence to keep them out.

Hundreds of people complained that the fence blocked the view of the sea from the top of Bigyn Hill, where generations of local folk had enjoyed the scenery.

So the council..........took down the fence ? No. They are going to dump tens of thousands of tons of earth on top of the hill to make it taller so that people can see the sea beyond the fence that they erected. Probable cost of the scheme, £50,000. Our tax money well spent I'm sure you'll agree.

Silvio Berlusconi has suggested that Italians take too much time off and should work a bit harder.

Hurrah! Anyone who has visited Rome and suffered the Roman habit of discussing the price of ciabatta, at the top of their voices, right beneath your hotel window, at four in the bloody morning, will agree with Signor Berlusconi that a good, solid days work, followed by a good, solid nights sleep, is a good thing for all.

Yorkshire Soul Friend To The Stars, part 32

As I said to Fat Les over dinner last night, "It's funny Les, I cook vindaloo, you sing about it." He gave me the sort of look that said that was the 256th time a chef had tried that weak pun on him.

Fat Les, real name Keith Allen, turned out to be a really nice bloke, despite supporting Fulham. He is up in Yorkshire filming a six part drama called Bodies. His previous acting credits include Shallow Grave, Trainspotting, The Others and 24 Hour Party People, he seemed most proud of his role as the Listerine Fairy though.



Although Keith Allen is pictured here eating chips, he actually opted for faggots and mash and a pint of lager when he dined with us, he's also so absent minded that he left his car keys in the door of his Jaguar.

Mrs YS, who is not a friend to the stars, once had the dubious pleasure of serving Nick Berry when he was filming Heartbeat, she reports................"He's a prat."

Whooh! I think. I've become a Crawley Amphibian in the TTLB Ecosystem, look below the links list in the left hand column, also pop over to the nice couple at Snowbabies, they're Insignificant Microbes, so I can lord it over them with my new found status.

You might think that with me being Yorkshire mad that I would be right behind the efforts to get an elected Yorkshire Parliament up and running. No. There are already too many layers of government wasting my tax money, think of the millions upon millions of pounds that could have been spent in Wales and Scotland if they had not wasted all that money on vast new premises.

I don't want another layer of government telling me what to do, and I certainly do not want to pay for it.

If the referendum does come around on Oct 31st this year, I'll be voting NO.

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