Little Johnny misses a day at school. He comes back the next day and the teacher asks why he was off. "Sorry Miss," he replied, "Daddy got burned" "Oh dear" says the teacher, "I do hope it wasn't serious" "Well Miss, they don't fuck about at the crematorium" (Thanks to Kinell) 2 women walking home pissed from the boozer dying for a piss. Whilst walking through the graveyard they decide to answer the call of nature. Alas, our intrepid ladies have no toilet paper. One of the ladies uses her knickers to wipe herself with and throws them away. The other, trying to be move resourceful, finds a ribbon from a nearby wreath that had been left on a freshly made grave and uses that. The next day, the husbands are talking. One says to the other "We better keep an eye on our 2 birds, mine came home last night with no knickers on" The other husband replies "you think that's bad? Mine came home with a card hanging out of her arse that said "From all the lads at the station,we'll never forget you...." (Thanks to Foxystoat) Jill Dando's husband wanted to paint their front door green, but she was dead against it. (From Localknow) Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing her seatbelt. (Thanks to BorderlineSchizo) How do you get a granny to shout "Cunt!"? Get another one to shout "Bingo". (Thanks to Jimlad)