Oppression And Torture In The Modern Age

You would like to think that is can't happen in our new world, but this weekend thousands of people were brutally repressed and subjected to inhumane and cruel treatment.

Driven from their homes, herded into rubbish strewn fields and forced to live in appalling shanty town conditions amidst the muck and squalor of tens of thousands of their fellows. They are fed, if you can call it that, on tepid tofu burgers and broccoli sausages, and charged a small fortune for the dubious pleasure. Toilets are one between two thousand, showers are available, but mostly contain shagging couples and stoned hippies talking to the mirror.

As the endless day draws to a close, these poor souls are made to endure the final torture, Radiohead take to the Glastonbury stage and proceed to bore the fuck out of everyone within earshot.

Have pity on these people, they have seen the darkness in men's souls, on the other hand, they're a bunch of crusty, smelly, hippies, fuck 'em. You paid £100+ to watch Radiohead, MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Even better, 'Corporate' Glastonbury is now a go, the home counties trendies are flocking to the event in their 4x4's, wearing Deisel and smelling of Armani they rub shoulders, well metaphorically anyway, with the real hippies. The real hippies are dazed and confused by the new Glastonbury, well let's be fair they were dazed and confused anyway, but they spent their youth protesting against globalization only to find their summer drugfest is now sponsored by Orange. At least they will all be able to phone each other to organise a protest then.

Actually, I can't be doing with hippies, charge them 200 quid, lock them in a muddy field with one toilet blocked with shit and paper, charge them another £4 for a plate of cold chips (sponsored by McDonalds of course) and make them listen to Radiohead, Coldplay and U2, it serves them right. Frightening, I think I've just described my own version of hell.

I'm going to try and install a new 'in-house' style comments section as I'm not happy with the amount of down time Klink has had during the past month, don't hold your breath though.

Saturday 5th of July, important diary date for you all, it's my birthday, gifts, bribes and naked pictures of female pop stars to the usual address please.

A bit of stuff to round off Rock Week (and, as promised, I didn't manage half as many posts as I wanted to, and a fair number of them were off topic, but 170 not out!!!!,
he scored 14 yesterday, the mighty have been humbled)

Aspirant rock gods tests, do you look good in ridiculous costumes ?



Yes, ok then, can you throw shapes whilst fret wanking ?



Yes, you'll go far my son, but can you play one of these?



The master shows how it should be done.



Throwing shapes, we're second to none my young friends.

Shock News Of Footballers Death

It is reported with great sadness, that the footballers known collectively as the Leeds United defence, appear to have passed away during the last season.

Manager Peter Reid said............

"Dominic Matteo has always been a bit stiff and has needed help getting on and off the pitch but we thought it was just a recurring groin injury, it wasn't until Michael Duberry turned green and started to smell that we realised something was wrong."

Insiders at LUFC say that it is possible that Gary Kelly died during pre-season training, but was still fast enough to beat Emile Heskey to the ball.

Headline in this weeks Ilkley Gazette...........

Burley's Wheeler strokes a magnificent 170 not out

Burley-In-Wharfedale opening bat Chris Wheeler smashed his way to 170 against the hapless bowlers of Bardsey last week. In an imperious innings he hit two 6's, 25 4's and reduced the seamers and spinners to quivering wrecks.

Chris managed a fairly average 101 not out in the previous match, an England call up is expected, why am I mentioning this? He's my brother in law, as well as being a cricket god.

Do not invite this man over for afternoon tea, he wil drink the tea, eat the crockery and piss on Granny as she snoozes by the fire.

This is Wattie Buchan, and children take note, he is punk. In fact he may well be the soul of punk. He is angry, he is violent, he would like to beat the shite out of Green Day, Good Charlotte and New Found Glory, probably all at once, and in that Wattie and I share some common ground.

Wattie lives on a diet of amphetamines, vodka and rage, do not spit at him on stage, he isn't averse to re-arranging fans faces with a mic stand if he feels the need.

The Exploited have sold shedloads of records over the years, Wattie is currently valued at 23p, he spent the rest on drugs, and loose women, then more drugs.

All hail Wattie, the Lord of Punk, from now on you can't call yourselves a punk band until you have gone four rounds with Mr Buchan, I'll let Wattie have the final word.............

"Billy Joe Armstrong is a short arsed little cunt."

Did you see The Darkness on TOTP ? Jonathon Ross said they looked liked escaped monkeys in a fancy dress factory, that's a bit rich coming from the sartorially challenged one.

Sometimes Radio Deconstructme isn't on the air, so for those times when Kitteh's molten chocolate voice is unavailable, try The Darkest Hours online metal radio.

I bought a cd the other day, one of those Greatest In The World.......Ever! ones, it was the Prog Rock version, no song under ten minutes, no piece of music complete without orchestra, hammond organ, xylophone, harpsichord and this little guy we found in Goa who specializes in indiginous African drums, man.

A real rock God, note guitar being played with violin bow, real rock Gods may also play their instruments with teeth, elbows, groupies and chainsaws.

Justin Hawkins bikini line, as requested by Redmaiden.

Tadaa! Again. The results of last weeks pointless YSoul poll, we were having a dinner party, the guest list was..........in order of popularity..............

Tatu
Yorkshiresoul
Willow
Nell McAndrew
The Dalai Lama
David Beckam.

The meal was cooked in tandem by Baroness Thatcher and Mao Tse Tung and Iain M Banks acted as Maitre D'Hotel for the night, Geoff Capes was retained as a bouncer to keep unwanted riff raff (Phil Neville and Lemonescent) away.

Conversation centered on the previous weeks quiz. Julia was slightly embarrassed to find that a significant section of YSoul readers would like to pop their clogs whilst shagging her, Becks hoped that even if he died in an over long bungee rope accident, he would go to a better place afterwards (Real Madrid presumably).

Willow claimed to know all about the afterlife and would send Yorkshiresoul there right then if he didn't stop offering her 20 quid to get it on with Tatu, whilst The (I'm on first name terms with Mr. Lama) brought the evening to a close by stating there was no afterlife, just a never ending series of rebirth's in which we could try to atone for the sins of the past.

I'm praying fervently that I don't get reborn as a Southerner!

Waahaa!!! I hope this goes some way to offsetting the near naked female balance that has been worrying my female readership of late

Greetings readers, and welcome to rock week at Yorkshiresoul. Actually, considering the amount of work I have to do it might be one post with a rock topic that stays up all week, but hey ho.

First off then, The Darkness, they rock, they have listened to a a lot of Led Zeppelin, they are young, they are talented, they are sex gods, they are having one hell of a good time.

This weeks YSoul Poll, what is the most overproduced and extravagant rock song of all time ? Surely there is only one contender, "Walk On - Boston", that lush guitar sound was created by recording each guitar track 40-60 times then mixing them, the band used a church organ to make the soaring, sweeping, orchestral noise and then decided the only way to do it live was to take the organ with them, on five articulated trucks, good going boys!!!

T-Shirt
Aha, the new Olympus designs t-shirt and hoody catalogue. I'm often on the verge of purchasing one of their witty slogan shirts.........

"I'd rather be dead than cool" for example, or perhaps

"You say I'm a freak like it's a bad thing"

but definitely not

"I worship satan" as I'm a Christian, or

"Smash the system" ?? and let everyone starve to death as they live in cities and cannot grow their own food ? Or did you mean the political system, well read up on Spain's anarchist period, fools.

Anyway, I need another sort of tee, one that says a bit more about me.............

"Right wing, pro-police, pro-hunting environmentalist, but not hippy.

Don't smash the system, make adjustments so it works better.

Christian, so satan can fuck right off.

I don't do drugs (see Ozzy for reasons).

Meat eater and proud of it, some don't try to take some pseudo bullshit moralistic high ground against me you pasty faced carrot gobbler.

Try everything at least once, barring murder, rape, incest, pedophilia and supporting Man U.

Being in the majority does not make you right, nor does being a minority, oppressed or otherwise, justify your words and actions.

I'm not a racist, but I do criticism elements of Asian youth and black 'Gangsta/drugs' culture.

I'm a proud Tyke, and a proud Englishman, Southerners are a soft lot, it has been medically proven, please note, contrary to BBC1 opinion, the rest of the country does not grind to a halt when half an inch of snow falls in Piccadilly Circus."

OK then, plenty of information, but I think it lacks that snappiness that slogan shirts usually have, also it's lucky I'm a big lad or the size of shirt needed for all this would drown me.

Maybe I will just buy the one that says "Jesus Freak" and wear it in a post-modern, ironic manner.

Oops, we're just starting a huge thunderstorm, I had better log off.

Although I am never actually intentionally cruel to my parents, there is one little jape I like to have at this time of year. As my birthday approaches my mother will phone and ask what I would like as a present, I will then reel off a list of bizarre and hard to find albums which mother with dutifully trot off and search for.

This year then the petite, white haired grandmother will be seen perusing the heavy metal section in HMV/Virgin for..............

British Sea Power - The Decline of British Sea Power
Biffy Clyro - The Vertigo of Bliss
The Mars Volta - Deloused In The Comatorium

Apparently she has located two of three, with the Mars Volta not being released until next week.

Hoorah, more 'protests'. Last week a huge anti-chicken cruelty protest (well, 5 pink haired people and one lost old bloke) protested at the treatment of chickens by KFC whose offices (Chicken Cabins Ltd) are in Ilkley. The hippy/vegan/anarchist types with multiple piercings held up signs saying things like "Don't be nasty to chickens" and "Chickens are our friends", they also knocked on the office door and berated a bemused paper shuffler. Oddly, there isn't actually a branch of super tasty Kentucky Fried Chicken in Ilkley.

The thing is about chickens, and I have some experience here, if you are not being nasty to chickens, they are being nasty to each other, chickens are just plain bloody evil. You have heard of the pecking order ? Every chicken has another weaker chicken it can peck, until you get one horrible pink thing wandering around the pen with no feathers because all the other evil bastards have pulled them out. They also have a go at anything smaller than themselves, we used to keep ornamental bantams and they got a right hammering, chicks too, and mice, the appearence of a mouse in the pen would generate a mass clucking free for all.

As well as being evil bullies, chickens are also cowards, they are frightened by (and this list is by no means all inclusive) rain, wind, other chickens, ducks, food (what sort of dim beast runs away screaming when you throw them their dinner?), people, guinea fowl, golf balls (first they run, then they come back and peck, and will peck again every so often just to see if it has become food, duh), rabbits, tractors, etc, etc.

Chickens are dim, chickens are evil, chickens are better off as KFC Bargain Bucket Meals, buy one now.

Sadly the PWEETA (People Who Enjoy Eating Tasty Animals) home page seems to be down, but console yourselves with this.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK
then", I said "Nearest to bull starts".
He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

John's hat trick, sorry, I've been very busy.

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to
examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was
about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz
had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't
send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge
private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead
man's scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and
took it home. The first person he showed it to was
his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he
said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

Thanks to John (again)

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying United. "He said
that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
have a smart comment. Finally everyone had got off except for an old
lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a
question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

Thanks to John for that.

What gets me about airlines is why they bother to have life jackets under the seats, from what I've seen, when a plane nose dives into the sea from 20,000 feet, everybody dies, and if dead people do one thing really well, it's floating. So my advice is, slip the pilot a tenner and tell him to land away from the fish.

Wine Review - Douglas Green Faces of Africa Cinsaut Pinotage 2002, Western Cape
I often find Cinsaut (Cinsault ?) to be a little bland on its own, but it is nicely blended here with Pinotage to form a really smooth wine. Slightly spicy on the tongue with ripe berry flavours, smooth tannins, the first glass went so well with roast pork that I felt obliged to finish the rest of the bottle. Good value too at about a fiver from Tesco.

There are mad people out there, one of these people is Andy 46477, he operates on Ebay and brings a little surreality to the lives of other Ebay users, he posts comments in the Praise sections on sellers pages, mostly the comments have nothing to do with anything he may have bought, actually it is true to say that the comments he leaves have nothing to do with anything except what is going on in Andy 46477's muddled little head..............

"I'll bid on you til there's nothing left but crumbs! Then I'll bid on the crumbs"

"Turn onto LaFayett St. and park. Get out. Run as fast as you can. Then hide"

"Rainbows are pretty. I don't know why I shoot at them"

"I go skinnydipping and think of you when the fish are nibbling my reef."

I think he may be a comic genius, or something. Thanks to the MIA Kitteh for this.

Tadaa! The results of last weeks utterly pointless Yorkshiresoul Poll. Of those readers that expressed an opinion on the manner of their impending doom, the most popular choice of clog popping method was........'Heart Attack whilst shagging Julia from Tatu', 'Eating your own body weight in LSD' came a close second with some readers asking if they could combine the two.

Less popular choices were 'Peacefully at home surrounded by kittens' which polled only one vote (probably Fraser from Blogjam) and 'Rampaging Sheep' which oddly for a Yorkshire based site got no votes at all.

If you are at all bored this week, take the new poll and select the perfect dinner party guest list, and enter yourself on the Guest Map gizmo, go on, please......

A complaint ! After an article last week on the lovely Nell McAndrew



regular reader Redmaiden complained that Nells bikini line area was, well, minging, here is the evidence..........



I then challenged Redmaiden to prove that her bikini area was nicer than Nells, shaven or otherwise, she has duly provided YS readers with before and after shots..........



and after the razor has done its job.............



Sorry Redmaiden, but have you considered waxing ?

Long lazy Sunday ahead of you, fill in half an hour with Ass Invaders.

I was leafing through the job section in New Scientist and it set me thinking, why are parents, teachers and the government so hell bent on forcing children through A levels and degrees ?

There is a job advertised for which you need the following qualification, a PHD in Molecular Biology, plus the company would like you to have five years working experience and knowledge of statistical mathematics. Let us examine this, you could have left school, become an apprentice at, lets say a garage, at 16, or you could have stayed on for two further years to take your A levels. Then on to university for four years to get your degree, then another four years to complete your thesis and gain your PHD.

Even leaving the 5 years work experience to one side, you are now 27, never having worked you have most likely run up substantial debts during your student career, you have no savings, no pension plan, no home beside your parents. Billy, who left school at 16, qualified as a car mechanic at 18, after seven years of working for Ford he set up on his own two years ago, he works hard, opening his business evenings and weekends if it suits his customers, and it does - they come back, and tell their friends. Billy now earns well in excess of £35,000 and it is increasing steadily.

So what was the princely sum being offered by the biotech company to its well educated researchers ? £18-24k. I kid you not, and this was in no way atypical of the jobs and tenures on offer. As a country we have far too many children going automatically into further education, and a desperate shortage of people becoming plumbers, electricians and other skilled tradesmen. This is why they can afford to charge you £50 an hour, plus call out.

A friend of mine is about to start training to become a plumber/gas fitter, two years training on £15k, with company van, when qualified he could earn as much as £50,000, there was an article in the Times last month where it was revealed that electricians in London could earn close to £70,000. I have sometimes thought of having a change of career, but if I do decide to stop frying bacon and peeling spuds, I won't be going to University as a mature student, no way, it will be plumbers night school for me.

Album Review - St. Anger - Metallica ****




I see all these kids at the moment, wandering around in their brand new, ironed Ride The Lightning t-shirts, and it makes me think.......I was there you little buggers, when you were a toddler, or even a gleam in your parents eye, I was drunk at Donnington, moshing at the NEC, and falling down the back of a chair in an embarrassing incident in Bradford. My Ride The Lightning tee has no sleeves (the mosher fashion at the time), it does though have tears, holes, paint splashes and various disturbing stains, it is indeed the very epitome of a metalheads garment.

Metallica did some great work, RTL, Master Of Puppets, Justice For All and the awesome Black album, but then they went mad, did albums with full orchestras (hellooo, thrash metal), got in to a huge spat with Napster and released two albums of complete bollocks as Load/Reload.

Well the good news is kiddies, Metalica the metal band are back. Big drums, crunchy guitars, twiddly bass bit, boom boom, opening track 'Frantic', great. Title track 'St. Anger' has taken a couple of weeks to grow on me but now I'm wandering happily around the kitchen grunting "Is it me ? Is it fear ? I feel my world shake" (much to the amusement/horror of the staff I must add). The band are now older, and on their third bassist, and the sound is not the same as it was. If you were hoping for the old cavalry charge guitars and barely controlled vocal style this isn't quite it, but it is damn close. Personally I would prefer it if James vocals were turned down just a little in the mix, and the guitars turned up, but you can't have everything.

What you do have is a fine heavy metal album, 11 tracks, all pretty good, it should please old fans and kiddies alike. There is plenty of aggression and bile, fast songs again without the harmony vocals, drums pounding without having to wait for the string section to catch up, welcome back boys.

Heh, old fans, I'm an old fan, I've bought the t-shirt, moshed in the pit and needed the neck brace after "Driving like a maniac...........WHIPLASH"

Wine Review - Lysander Limestone Coast Shiraz Cabernet Sauvignon 2000 ****
I bought this as part of a mixed case from the Times wine club, along with a mixed case of Spanish Sin Crianza which was uniformly vinegar, hey ho. My most common complaint about Australian reds, especially those in the £4-8 price bracket is that they are so dull, all direct fruit and very fat in the mouth, usually with too high an abv level swamping the flavour, and the flavour itself, overcooked jam mostly.

This though, as they say, is a little beauty. Good berry fruits with enough tannin and vegetable Cabernet flavour to make it interesting, it combined very well with a roast pork and crackling dinner. Good colour, good nose, nice long finish, the blurb on the bottle says it should cellar well up until 2006 or so, but I only have 3 more bottles so they are unlikely to survive that long.

Bah! Already accusations that I have concocted this entire Dale Winton/Nell McAndrew thing as an excuse to show pictures of attrctive women wearing very few clothes, nothing could be further from the truth, and to redress the balance here is a picture of that fine hunk of manhood, Dale himself............



And from purely artistic interest, here's Nell in half a cowboy outfit.....

Sayings of the wise Tyke........"A wise man does not purchase a ticket for the fourth day of a Zimbabwe test match"

Well done the England boys. I know I have been keeping rather quiet about the summer game since my jubilant start of season rant, but, well ,er, it's all gone tits up to be honest, three draws and then a loss to bloody Durham, and they're only just out of Minor County status, it's just not good enough. We have signed Kiwi Fleming, well why not, our other overseas player has turned out to be such a waste of money we may as fill the deep pockets of another one.

That's Mrs Dale Winton to you stalker boy, no honestly. I'm a little peeved at getting 275 hits in one day for Dale Wintons Wedding, it has already replaced 'Pictures of Tatu Naked' as my one day best hit, and is soaring up the all time chart. So thanks to celeb obsessed chef Lisa I have found the truth, Dale Winton is to marry Nell McAndrew, but it hasn't happened yet, the 'event' will be screened live on BBC3 at some point 'in the near future'. Sounds like a scam.

There is a little information here, along with some nice pictures of a scantily clad Nell. Nell lives with boyfriend Paul Hardcastle, at number nu nu nu nu nineteen presumably. The wedding will be a stunt for a new pisspoor series called........'Celebrity Weddings', and researching still further, I have just found out that if you are a sad loser that spends all day looking for pooftah weddings on my webpage, then the programme was on this week and you've missed it, ha ha.

Book Review - From Hell - Alan Moore & Eddie Campbell (Knockabout) *****
I know it has been out for ages, but P only gave me it last week. Have you seen the film ? Yes, sadly so did I. I realise that this is the worst possible way to start the review of the book but the film really was a shoddy and lazy bit of work when compared to Moore's detailed and twisting Jack the Ripper epic. Moore placed himself firmly at the top of the intellectual comic authors list with Watchmen, but even before that he brought us the wonderful Ballad of Halo Jones, and those gun toting, drug taking, mega-violent madmen DR & Quinch and V for Vendetta.

Moore firmly places Sir William Gull as the Ripper from the outset, but the plot winds around the familiar characters of the Prince Regent and Walter Sickart, both of whom have been named as the serial killer in other works.
Moore's Victorian London is dangerous and murky, the ruling classes intertwined with Masonic ritual, churches laid out as five pointed stars (this may well be true, I don't know the geography of London all that well), the streets rife with poverty and prostitution. The murdered girls are killed by Gull in his endeavour to preserve the good name of the Royal Family, and whatever the consequences, he succeeds in his own way.

Campbells artwork is suitably dismal, London appears tired and dirty, without hope. My main problem with Campbell is his talent for capturing faces is not all that great, with new characters appearing thick and fast throughout the novel I was forced to read some passages time and again in order to understand who had just entered the frame, but his treatment of Moore's plot otherwise is exemplary, especially in the nighttime East End streets and the long and harrowing final murder sequence.

Best of all, and this really shows the amount of research Moore has done for this project, is the Dance of the Gull Catchers sequence and the explanation of the theory of Koch's Snowflake, whereby conjecture becomes myth becomes accepted fact. Moore goes on to further explain that his work cannot be the end all definitive take on the Ripper, and gives reasons for this, and for those interested still further, a complete appendix for each chapter details what was truth in the saga, and which bits Moore created for dramatic purpose. All in all, another masterpiece from Alan Moore.

Engineers arrive to install Yorkshiresoul's new Pay TV service.

This is splendid in a sort of harmless, yet mad way, there is obviously very little to do in Belgium if this gentleman has had the time to photograph and detail every Men at Work sign in the country. The analysis of the Belgian workforce's energy capacity is quite funny, this isn't the mans only road sign interest though, he has detailed the number of falling rocks on Belgian road signs, but they are rather outclassed by this quite splendid example from Ecuador.

Belgium, it's not all chocolates and FN rifles you know.

Here is a great idea, a sort of tourist guide for winos, drink, stumble and spew your way around the historic city of Iowa, check out the site a little, spend some time researching places to pass out in, good work drunken fat bloke.

On another subject entirely, stop it, STOP IT, JUST BLOODY WELL STOP IT ALL RIGHT??!!, you know who I mean, you sit at your PC all day keying in Dale Wintons Wedding to search engines, and every time you search I come in at #1, then you come and have a look at the site, over 100 times yesterday!! Have you nothing better to do ?

Before this gets utterly out of hand (and overtakes the Ruski pop queens as my all time hit generator) I had better take some action, ok, you know what's coming next..........

Coming soon to Yorkshiresoul - Pictures of Tatu naked having lesbian sex, there, that should rectify things.

have added some more junk to the blog, scroll down on the left to find the new Guestmap and add your little person icon thingy, then take this weeks utterly pointless Yorkshiresoul Poll.

Other pointless wastes of time today.............the return of the Prettiest Men in Heavy Metal, the ever popular Ugly Foootballers and lastly, are you missing out on a blowjob ? There's a lot being given you know (Which, despite the title, is more or less worksafe)

It was my Godson's 3rd birthday party yesterday, so a toddler party was held complete with bouncy castle, how much fun are they ? The bouncy thingy was in the shape of a wide slide, it didn't take me long to work out that if a large beardy bloke jumped up and down at the top of the slide, small people at the bottom would be bounced right off the edge and in to the mud, a great afternoon was had by all, but mostly by me.

Only one injury was caused, a minor cut to Josh's foot.

Nicknames were given to all the sliders, thus we had Muddy Tom (who was so muddy he presumably travelled home in the car boot), Flying Headbutt Amy, Silly Mikey (I tried to get them to call me Lord Of Darkness but it wouldn't stick, apparently evil overlords don't giggle that much), and for Josh, he pointed to his bandaged toe and shouted..........

"Call me Bloody Josh", from the corner of my eye I could see his mother approaching.

"No" I spluttered "Think of something else". His mother arrived and Josh proudly shouts out.......

"I'm Bleeding Josh"

Yorkshiresoul is now available to hire for all children's parties and Bar Mitzvah's.

Tatu clones ???!!!!! Well there's this lot, Suiteishojo (Presumed Girls), and this lot, Juemilla...........

City dwellers please take note, this is a typical cuntry pub, so please stay near home in your snobby, neon, smoked glass and tungsten espresso/gauva bar.

Barman Mike (to confuse customers we now employ 3 Mikes, it's like a Marx brothers sketch around here) actually payed £3.70 for a pint in a Leeds bar this week (cue shouts of "I only ordered the one"), the same bar also charges £7 for a Malt, stand forward the robbing bastards at Northern Light.

In the great tradition of Yorkshiresoul, here is a bloke who is....... not politically correct, going against the flow and having a great time. This bloke on the other hand, should have stayed at home, or attended school just a little more often.

When Debs isn't trying to smoke large, uncut cigars backawards, she does the photoblog Urbanwide.

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. Worse than that, I happened to remark on the weather.....

"Just look at that sky, what a fantastic deep blue"

He kicked me in the shins and left the house.

I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came
up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".
I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

Hee hee, thanks to regular reader and contributor John R for that, and while it is name check time, hello to Danny, Dr P, Brian W, Barbara and Natalie, all of whom sent me nice e-mails over the last week or so, and lastly to Collins Emboro, I shall certainly take you up on kind kind offer to shift $220m through my bank account from Zimbabwe and make us both rich men.

The Godfather

My work as a Godparent is complete. Last week my not quite three year old nephew announced to the startled queue in a bank.......

"My Uncle Mikey says that nobody expects the spanish inquisition"

Sadly his mother stifled him before he could recite the dead parrot sketch.

Honest Hardworking Pornographers

Spare a thought for honest, hardworking pornographers, these poor souls are finding it harder and harder (oh dear, Viz style fnaar, fnaar required I think) to make a living. Only two or three years ago, if you typed anything even remotely sexually orientated in to a search engine you would get a huge list of pay porn sites in return. These days if you type in, 'Tatu naked with whipped cream and cucumbers' for example, all you get is a bloody long list of blogs, it must be driving the porno kings mad.

Try it for yourself, anything Tatu, you get me. Type in mongolian slut girl sex, er, you get me again, 'Alsation porn' = Redmaiden, 'Scandinavian big tits' = Anjarchista, 'Wallaby and kangaroo erections' = The Feral Eye, between us we're going to put a whole industry out of business.

Dale Wintons Wedding

Yorkshiresoul is pleased to announce the wedding of Dale Winton and the infamous East End mobster Jamie 'Limp Wristed' Luciano. Luciano, the only overtly gay gangster in London, wore a pink suit with a purple veil, Dale Winton arrived all in white to shouts of "He can't wear white, I've had him" from Graeme Norton.

The happy couple exchanged vows at St Prancings in the Fields, where the vicar was later excommunicated by the Archbishop of Canterbury.

The wedding party then made their way to Soho's famous Pink Rooms, entering via the tradesmens entrance, and enjoyed a wedding buffet of bananas and doughnuts. The couple are spending their honeymoon in a cottage.

Oddly, Dale Wintons wedding has become my 5th highest ever hit generator, behind various permutations of pictures of tatu naked obviously. I can't work out whether there are hordes of people interested in this, or just one celebrity obsessed stalker, either way, I thought I would bow to fan pressure and publish what I knew.