Looking through my reader logs, I have noticed that although YS is a big hit with the Yanks, I don't really appear on the radar of the south American countries, I have however come up with a cunning plan to attract hits from the South, watch this............

Eva Peron naked in full hardcore porno action with Simon Bolivar,

there, that should do the trick.

So, you are in a restaurant and in your opinion your steak is a little underdone, so you send it back, well lets hope that these horrible people are not on duty. Duck with fridge gunk garnish anyone ?

I really don't understand the mentality of someone who would piss in the food, have they no pride at all ? Have they run out of stock ? Have I anything to confess to ? Ok, it's a busy Saturday night, fillets are going out like crazy and I have the bad feeling that I have under ordered. An order comes in for four fillets, bugger. Four fillets and VWD (Very Well Done, which of course elicits the kitchen comment "Why didn't he go to f***ing McDonalds for his dinner"), I'm saved, "Commis, pass me four Rump steaks", burn 'em, cover 'em in sauce, compliments to the chef.

The End Of Year competition, with real prizes, although bad ones.
Scroll down to 23/12 for the simple rules, though you will note that there is no section that says "Please fill my inbox with enormous amounts of hardcore pornography", tsk, some people.

Best bit of Christmas comedy comes from the Hairdressers edition of The Weakest Link where the following exchange took place....

Anne Robinson - "What is a word for a dark beer which can also describe a fat person?"
Hairdresser - "Guinness"




What's going on here ? Two enterprising Yanks with above average Scrabble ability and too much time on their hands, you can also see their surreal works, 'Try Corpse of Dave Thomas' and 'Eat all you can popcorn Jesus'.

Canadian cult announces birth of first cloned baby - YSoul sends £50 and asks for a copy of Avril Lavigne. Cloning is such a bad idea, the charts have been full of clone bands for years, each one worse than the last, and look what happened when they cloned Bryan Adams, he started making bad dance music!

Yorkshiresoul has intercepted the following letter.......

"Dear Mumsy,
the cricket is going very well but some rough boys on the boundary are making Brett cry. Every time poor Brettsy runs in to bowl they are chanting "no-ball", it's so unfair, and they are all fat and drunk and smelly and I hate them,
your son, Justin"

Justin Langer you big, soft puff. Are you Australian ? Or just a jessie ? Did you not just score 250, banging the bowling to all parts of the ground ? These Ozzies, they're just not what they used to be.

Christmas is upon us. Happy Christmas then to all my readers, even the ones that come looking for naked Canadian teenagers. An especialy merry crimble to the writers of the best blogs in the known multiverse, that's Anja at Anjarchista, Fraser at the very wonderful and often bizarre Blogjam, Mensa genius Yorkshireman and cheese hater Dave at Kennamatic, and the charming and smart Kitteh down under in Deconstructme. Also to Davezilla, Scaryduck, B3TA, Vodkabird, ibdreamy, Socialinsecurity and LionelMandrake, no links for that lot so you'll have to Google for them.

No blog on Cristmas day, probably not Boxing Day either (Christmas Cup competition at the club, we should be busy), see you all later in the week.

As it is Christmas, goodwill to all, when I'm not writing irreverant rubbish I'm involved with the following worthy organisations..........
Plan International, sponsoring children around the world. Happy Christmas to Adam, my sponsored child in West Timor.

The Woodland Trust, trees being the lungs of the world.

R.S.P.B., protecting birds, wildlife and habitats.

Sight Savers International, if you are blind, and in poverty, you really have no chances in life.

Yorkshiresoul's Seasonal Competition
Oh yes, a real competition, with prizes (unless you live overseas, then you get a heartfelt thankyou).
I'm going to do a lazy journalism bit around New Year, with a drab and uninspiring list of Best/Worst of 2002, you know the sort of thing, Best Album, Worst Reality Tv Show, Top Sportsperson, all that sort of malarkey. All you have to do is e-mail me, with a category, the winner and a short, amusing description and you could win a prize.

The prizes are real, honestly, and I will post them at great personal cost to almost anywhere in the UK, excepting Moss Side and Harehills where I understand posties don't go without an armed guard.

And another thing, if it wasn't bad enough that we have 'Japanese' aliens in Star Wars, now we get Cockney barrow boy orcs in Lord of the Rings.

"Cor blimey guvnor, we got ter get these 'obbits up the apple and pears into Orthanc and no mistake"

I realise my horde of American readers are not really into football, they like games with bigger scores, so for the benefit of the Yanks, here are the soccer results in Americanese........

Arsenal Arseholes 418 - Middlesborough Mudsticks 174
Birmingham Bombers - 65 - Charlton (and the Wheelies) 65
Chelsea Foreigners - 385 - Aston Villa Wan***s 2
Leeds Please Sack El Tel 120 - Lucky Lucky Southampton 120
Blackburn Rovers 340 - Scumchester Retardedfans 0

However I try to manipulate the scores though, I still always end up with Bradford City Nil.

Elves in Helms Deep ? I can see what Peter Jackson has tried to do, make the Elves look less distant and more Hollywood by having them turn up at Rohans hour of need, it made for good film, but it didn't happen in the book. Jackson has lost sight a little of what he is supposed to be doing, he hasn't been making a film for the masses, he has been making a film for fans of the book, a visual interpretation of the novel.
I think the film suffers a little from being the middle section, and as such it has a loosely defined beginning and end, the destruction of Isengard not being the obvious film closer that the breaking of the Fellowship was. It is still fantastic though, Gollum/Smeagol is a dark delight, especially the argument between his two halves, the Ents are also wonderful, although they suffer from severe story cropping. Maybe Jackson should not have created the Warg battle and provided some better plotting for the tree herders instead, or just make the film six hours long so as to not miss anything out.
The battle of Helms Deep is awesome, but what happened to the Huorns ? Another five minutes setting up the 'evil' trees would have made more sense at the end of the battle. Anyway, it is still the most magical visual treat, here's looking forwards to LOTR:TROTK.

What was I saying about idiot commis chefs? Did I mean to say idiot waitresses? Take one waitress (I'm not protecting the guilty so it was Carol), and one simple task, sweeping. As Carol pulls the broom backwards she manages to simultaneously dismount the fire extinguisher and remove its safety pin. Then everything goes into slow motion, as she reaches for the handle saying "This should pop right back in" I am moving in treacle, shouting "Nooooooooooooooooooooo", arms outstretched to ward off imminent disaster. Too late, the handle is depressed and with an explosive cough the kitchen is instantly transformed into Santa's Snowy Grotto.
"The roast ham was lovely, what did you season it with" they asked. "A little ginger and galangal" I reply, Fire retardant powder is the real answer, lets hope its not a carcinogen.

Done all your Christmas shopping ? Stuck on a gift for the man who has everything ? Have you considered purchasing him the rather unique and wonderful Turd Twister ? Or perhaps a day old deep frozen pekinese puppy ? No really, that's what they're selling. Recipes to follow.

What a beautiful day yesterday! I grabbed the chance and went walking from Bolton Abbey, up the Valley of Desolation and across the moor to Simons Seat, the view from the top was spectacular, a light mist hung in the river valley below, bright sunshine and clear blue skies. the moors were alive with Grouse and Pheasant, there must have been some poor shots in the buts this year.

Do you hate cyclists ? Of course you do. Having to drive at ten miles an hour whilst the arrogant buggers potter along three abreast, knowing full well they will gob all over your car if you try to squeeze past them. I got caught behind 4 such creatures on the back road, a couple of miles had passed, seemingly in slow motion, when the spandex clad ones went over the top of a small hill, and vanished.

I came over the top of the hill to find that a small stream had turned the entire downward slope to ice overnight, the cyclists were skidding all over, feet on the ground, as they attempted to navigate the hazard. I touched the brakes lightly, that was all I needed to know, I wasn't stopping. I gave a short hoot of the horn to warn the cyclists, they of course responded in true bike style, middle fingers were raised. I glided for a few more feet before sounding the horn in a more prolonged fashion, they looked around (mouths full of spittle no doubt) to see a ton of metal containing a grinning, beardy loon, bearing down on them. Panic and chaos ensued, dayglo figures hurled themselves, and their machines, into hedges and ditches, getting either a good scratching or mudbath depending on the side of the road they had chosen for their escape.
As I shot past I mouthed words of apology, something along the lines of "Don't look so fucking cocky now do you sonny?", and reaching the dry base of the hill I cheerfully accelerated away, oh happy day.

More peeps who can't abide the lycra nazi's can be found here, here, and here.

Commis Chefs : Why You Must Bray them
The simple answer is because they are idiots. Last week I wrote "many of my commis chefs still bear the imprint of a well aimed onion", why this level of violence you ask ? Let me explain.

It is Saturday morning in the kitchen, that evening we are fully booked and then some. I have spent all morning doing the mise en place, or prep, an assortment of sauces lie steaming away as they cool down, demi glace, fish veloute for the dover sole, pepper and stilton sauces for the steaks, 'Bonnie Prince Charlie' sauce with Drambuie for the fillets, bechemel, tomato sauce, parsley sauce, vanilla and chocolate for the desserts. I have also chopped a large pile of basil for pasta and garnishing. Idiot commis is next to me, supposedly trying to learn some basic sauce work, as I turn around with a platter of chopped basil a Michael Jackson song comes on the radio. Idiot commis goes into Earthsong mode, arms fly up, catching the basil on the way, now it doesn't matter what the sauce was, because it's basil sauce now.
Sensing imminent pain, the commis has made a run for the back door, not fast enough to avoid a handy potato though. On his eventual, cowering, return, we threw him in the river.

Now being a chef isn't such a bad job, Human Remains Removal Specialist possibly is, read further down the page though are some real whingers, check out the golf professional at the bottom, "People expect things done right the first time!", not such an unreasonable request I think, and you will notice he doesn't mention his pay cheque, that's because golf pro's earn a bloody fortune, much of it in cash.

Oops. I have tried to resize yesterdays giant and slow loading picture, I always struggle with the technical bits.

Moving right along, give this man a medal, he's going to clean the streets of dog mess once and for all, although thinking about it, I wouldn't fancy trying to wrestle an Alsatian into this contraption. Why not just bring in a law that forces the owners of dogs that crap on the pavement to eat it up with a teaspoon?

I bet you are all thinking the same thing, how is she going to cook that ? The chef will advise. Game, and especially carnivores, can be strong flavoured, and might be tough, I'd suggest a marinade, soak the meat in red wine, thyme and rosemary for a day, when cooking, remember foxes are not very fatty so it will need either braising (gas mk5 for 3-4hours) or if you roast it do remember to baste it with fat every 20 mins. Serve with roast sweet potatoes, buttered spinach and a good red wine like Cardinal Zin or Heart of Darkness.

After your fox, how about a nice chocolate dessert ? I recommend chocolate glazed tortoise, this sweet insanity has been dreamed up by Randall Gramm, chief winemaker and nutter at Bonny Doon Vineyards and maker of the rather bizarrely named wines mentioned above. Even for non wine buffs his site is eclectic fun, do check out the Riesling Asylum.

No blog on Saturday due to hangover and a parcel. Goodies from the book club have arrived, I have already read them all, and they were...........
Lucifer : A Dalliance with the Damned - Mike Carey. Mike Carey has taken the most intriguing of Neil Gaimans supporting cast from Sandman and has written a series which rivals, indeed it surpasses, the best of the Dream Kings saga. I can't wait for Book 4 and the promised war with Heaven.

Judge Dredd : Cursed Earth - Pat Mills/John Wagner. Classic 2000AD story arc, I think I started reading the comic just as the Cursed Earth series came to an end but it was this story that started to flesh out JD's character, good stuff.

Batman : The Dark Knight Strikes Again - Frank Miller. It has been a long time since DC allowed Miller to rip up the Batman saga and reform it in to his own twisted form, but here he does it again in fine style. Following on from The Dark Knight returns we see a totalitarian America, rigged elections and no super heroes, but the Batman lurks. I won't give away too much plot but I think there's one thing that Batfans will want to know, does Superman get his butt kicked ? Oh yes he does.

Dinner on Friday night with the Big Red Boys and wives, and offspring. Caribbean smoky chicken salad with lime, kumquats, papaya and rocket served with a Mitchelton Blackwood Park Riesling, then roast duck and port sauce with Errazuriz Don Maximiano '97, and to finish, cheeseboard with the 'poor mans port' Mavrodaphne of Patras. Then Andrew and myself found that we weren't quite drunk enough so we had a bottle of Tyrell's Shiraz as well, hic. Wonderful company, I was pleased with dinner (except for the pave potatoes I did with the duck, a little overdone), all went well despite the toddler/football/coffee/carpet incident, and yes John, it was your fault.

I'm not totally obsessed with women's problems or anything, it's just that I do appreciate how difficult it is for larger girls to find a decent bra, well girls, you can get just what you need from a small farm in Yorkshire. All this cam about because I wanted to write a little about some great unsigned bands that I saw as a youth, Doncasters own Ample Cleavage sprang to mind, however, having searched extensively I find that they have almost zero net presence. Even worse, Hannah here, who has compiled a vast list of women in heavy metal, is under the mistaken impression that singer Liz McBastard is a woman, well I've met him, and he's not.
Furthermore, these scurrilous Kiwi's, sensing that Yorkshire's own Ample Cleavage are defunct, have stolen the name for their own nefarious purposes.

I can see why some women may need this item, after all it has a valid medical reason for existing, still, whilst reading the advertising bumph I had to concentrate hard on the thought "It's not a vibrator, it's not a vibrator". "You could even use it while working and no-one would know", apart from your blissed out smile, panting for breath and shouting "Oh yes big boy let's do the wild thing" that is.

Whump. "Ow!"
Whump. "Aargh"

Reader : "Hello Yorkshiresoul, what are you doing?"
YS : "I'm beating the crap out of Dean Koontz with a cricket bat"
Reader "Dean Koontz, the popular writer of slightly spooky, chase based fiction. But why ?"

Whump. "Aaah!"

YS : "Dean, tell the nice reader the bad quote"
DK : "They had been kiled by a drunk driver on the Pacific coast highway, only ten minutes from home, they suddenly found themselves even closer than ten minutes to paradise. It's from my new novel One Door Away From Heaven"
Reader : "You're right YS, that is pretty bad"
YS : "Fancy a go with the bat ?"
Reader : "Sure, thanks"

Whump. "Uuurgh!"

Another day, another pasting down under, it's all so depressing. Let's do something frivolous then, for instance, if I converted myself into an android I would be

Or if that doesn't cheer you up, frighten yourself silly with the Evil Clown Generator

Remember how the whole Avril Lavigne thing started ? A discussion between my waiters on whether she was fit or not. Well, yesterdays hot topic in the kitchen was................Avril Lavigne is a lesbian, it is almost certainly true, Georgina's best mate says so, although we are not sure why her best mate is a good source of information on the sex lives of short-arsed Canadian singers. I'm sure regular readers already know where I'm going with this, and I wouldn't like to dissapoint. Assuming that the teeny Canuck songstress is in fact gay, who would you most like to see Avril Lavinge naked with ? Christina Aguilera gets my vote for the most entertaining, and deeply pornographic, video for Dirty.

Paula Radcliffe is lovely, and a well deserving winner of the BBC Sports Personality prize, I voted for her, in fact because I thought there might be a lot of morons who would vote for Beckham out of blind love for scum, I voted for her a number of times, as it turned out, so did everybody else.

I used to play a lot of Championship Manager, once, when I grew bored of LUFC's winning series (10 consecutive Premiership titles, 6 European Cups and more FA+League Cups than I can remember), I resigned and took up the vacant managers position at bitter rivals Man U.
From there I proceeded to destroy MUFC, I spent vast sums on 39 year old Div 3 defenders, gave away good players for next to nothing, antagonized good attackers by leaving them on the bench all season and played many players well out of position (Left sided midfielders, are, on the whole, not great goalies). In one season I took a good, consistent side from regular European competition to relegation. Does this ring any bells Terry Bloody Venables ?

If you have time today, do pop over to Deconstructme (link in the sidebar to the right) and check out the hilarious baby name site that Kitteh posted yesterday.

We are thinking of buying a house in Ilkley, which will be expensive, preparations are in hand though, small children are being kidnapped and ransomed. If the kidnap idea doesn't work (two couples still think I'm the nanny!), I'll just stand out in Brook Street with a collection tin for the Countryside Alliance, guaranteed to raise a fortune around here.

Many properties in Ilkley are on the expensive side, and big, we've been looking at this one............
7 Bedrooms, 5 En-suite
4 bathrooms
2 kindergartens
2 dining rooms
2 living rooms
3 kitchens
3 more bedrooms
1 priest nook
2 slave cubbys
extensive stables, kennels and dove-cots to the rear
4 flunky cabins
swimming pool, heated indoor
aquarium, heated indoor
small zoo
library
secret room
2 study's
hunting lodge
granny flat (with granny)
werewolf kennel
oh hell there's another five bedrooms around this side, two en-suite
another two bathrooms
gun room
bolt hole
boot room (inc slipper rack and stilleto shelving)
walk in dresser (inc hat rack, cloak rail and cummerbund pegs)
views of the West Riding, East Riding and Lancashire obtained by peering under the carpet
For Sale by Private Treaty, Public Auction or Outright Bloody Miracle.

Dinner last night, I decided that I don't do enough real cooking any more (Golf clubs are very conservative in their dining habits), so I went a little over the top for Mrs YS and myself. Roasted Monkfish on a Petit Pois, Shallot and Spring Onion Risotto, topped with crispy Cumberland Cured Ham and drizzled with Flatleaf Parsley Butter, served with baked Butternut Squash and quick roasted Baby Plum Tomatoes.

Despite being a chef, there are still some things I will not touch, tripe being one. Japan's fascination with sushi has me flummoxed, lots of things are nice raw, but (mostly) not fish. Here is a good list bizarre food around the world.

Patrick has pointed out that when chasing burglars, I should use the hardier Swede as opposed to the Celery that I chose, and he provides these statistics to back up his claim.

Strangely, when I had to re-write yesterdays YS due to a last minute blogger fault, I did a different article from the one I was planning to write.
I was going to have a go at Peter Jackson, who sadly has fallen a few points in my esteem. The Daily Mail gave away a free LOTRTTT Cd at the weekend with two film trailers, a short interview with PJ, and some other goodies. In the interview PJ explains why he dislikes 'Editors Cut' films as they imply that the wrong version was released to cinema, fair enough. He then goes on to say that he likes extended DVD versions of films as they allow him to flesh out the story a little more (and presumably pump more dollars into his already vastly swollen pockets), well, this seems like exactly the same thing to me, nothing like a little hypocrisy to start the day.

I have been betrayed, let down in the worst way. You may have been following the stellar career of Amanda Greaves in the Ilkley Gazette ( or Gusset to regular readers), but in an otherwise touching and moving piece last week, "Torches needed for street service", about a special Marie Curie remembrance service on the Grove, Amanda writes "Service at the Bandstand, on the Grove, on Sunday December 5th". Oh no, there it is, in black and white for all to see, it should be "On Sunday December 7th", just think of all those poor folks who are going to be stood out in the Friday rush hour if they arrive on the 5th! Maybe though, just maybe, there is a glimmer of hope, maybe a malicious typesetter is to blame, or a proofreader who cut work half an hour early, I'm holding on to this hope, it's all we have left.

Finally, over in Mirfield, you can go to a church service that goes something like this................
Vicar : Kneel for the Lord's Prayer
Voice : Up yours nancy boy

Vicar : Our Father.....
Voice : Fucks my mother!

Vicar : Thy kingdome come....
Voice : Come all over, ooer

Vicar : Thy will be done........
Voice : Who wants a shag?

The reason for this, St Marys in Mirfield have accidently acquired a sweary parrot, it hides ion the bell tower and flits around the church during services, personally, I think the vicar did it himself to swell attendance, I mean what small child wouldn't go to church if there was a chance of seeing a swearing parrot on the font. Fancy seeing an intolerant avian ? Go Here.

Harumph, something happened to either my connection, or Blogger, just as I published this morning so my well thought out script vanished into the internet ether.

Anyway, Patrick, who, apart from threatening me over yesterdays anagram interview, spends far too much time contemplating the dark side, wishes me to show you this, we don't know exactly how the world will end, but here are the options. Mind you, people keep on claiming that the world is about to end, and they are always wrong, thankfully.

It has been a slow morning at work, so we've been making a potato nativity, cunningly combining leftovers from both the kitchen and the Christmas decorating. But whilst our festive tuber scenario is homely and pleasing, the nativity made by these sick bastards is evil and distressing, and it smells really bad. From reading further down this page, I find that the fable of the condemned mans last meal is a tissue of lies, they wouldn't even allow him a light beer, well I'm not raping or killing anyone if I can't have a Lafitte '87 to go with my final dinner, so there.

Hello and welcome to regular reader and contributor, Patrick Harris.

Yorkshiresoul : You have long hair Patrick, but it looks like extensions, where do you keep it at night?
Patrick Harris : Hair strip rack

Yorkshiresoul : I hear you have an unusual collection, what do you collect ?
Patrick Harris : Tsar Prick Hair

Yorkshiresoul : And you combine it with sliced potatoes to make what?
Patrick Harris : Chip rara skirt

Yorkshiresoul : Is the chip and hair skirt any good ?
Patrick Harris : Hair skirt crap

Yorkshiresoul : Oh dear, what are you going to do with the two you have already made?
Patrick Harris : Char skirt pair

Yorkshiresoul : What do you think of the most recent single by the Appleton sisters?
Patrick Harris : Chart pair irks

Yorkshiresoul : I hear you had an accident whilst hanging up your coat, what happened ?
Patrick Harris : Hatrack rip sir

Yorkshiresoul : I think we'll bring the interview to a close as you don't sound too good, what is wrong with you and what will you do about it ?
Patrick Harris : Catarrh, kip sir

We've had burglars. This is what happened. Yorkshiresoul is about to sit down in front of the tv when he hears a noise, a quick peek from the upstairs window confirms his suspicions, some lowlifes are breaking into the golf shop. Grabbing the first thing that comes to hand (a stick of crisp celery, 48p a head, Tesco), he runs into the dark and stormy night to confront the criminal gang. Faced by a beardy, tattooed wildman wielding raw vegetables, they surrender, and are taken into custody, hurrah.
Ok, ok, so it didn't happen quite like that. I heard a noise and went to look from the spare bedroom window, the security lights were on, then with a bang, they went out again. Recalling that the previous steward had been daft enough to confront an earlier set of burglars, who were tooled up with baseball bats, I was wetting myself, I got right on the phone and 999'd the police. I kept watch while waiting five minutes for the police to arrive, but when they did, the bad guys had already vanished into the night.
The police were very fast in arriving, but what worries me is this, only one copper turned up, what would he do if there were two or three armed blokes who didn't fancy coming along quietly. Furthermore, he was the only officer covering Addingham, Silsden, Ilkley, Burley and Menston, and despite that, he was on his way to assist Shipley+Eccleshill because they were short staffed. Makes you feel safe at night doesn't it ?